tg.stone of tears-第31部分

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　‘Richard；　please？　I　want　to　know。　I　want　to　understand。’
　
　Richard　stared　into　her　eyes；　and　then　let　out　a　breath。　‘Is　there　anything　you　ask　I　wouldn’t　do？’　He　took　the　Agiel　in　his　fist　again。　‘Don’t　grip　it；　you　may　not　be　able　to　let　go　quick　enough。　Just　touch　it。　Hold　your　breath　and　keep　your　teeth　together　so　you　don’t　bite　your　tongue。　Tense　your　stomach　muscles。’
　
　Kahlan’s　heart　pounded　as　her　hand　went　toward　the　Agiel。　She　didn’t　want　to　feel　the　pain；　it　had　hurt　enough　just　to　touch　his　hand；　but　she　wanted　to　know　because　it　was　part　of　who　he　was　now。　She　wanted　to　know　everything　about　him。　Even　the　things　that　hurt。
　
　It　felt　like　touching　a　bolt　of　lightning。
　
　The　pain　shot　up　her　arm；　exploding　in　her　shoulder。　She　screamed　as　the　shock　threw　her　on　her　back。　She　rolled　over　on　her　face；　gripping　her　shoulder　with　her　other　hand。　She　couldn’t　move　her　arm。　Her　hand　tingled　and　shook。　She　was　shocked　and　frightened　by　the　sheer　power　of　the　pain。　She　cried　into　the　dirt　as　Richard’s　hand　touched　her　back　in　sympathy。　She　cried；　too；　because　now　she　understood；　just　a　little；　what　had　been　done　to　him。
　
　When　at　last　she　was　able　to　sit　up；　he　was　still　watching　her；　still　holding　the　Agiel　in　his　fist。　‘It　hurts　like　that　for　you　to　hold　it？’
　
　‘Yes。’
　
　She　hit　him　on　the　shoulder　with　her　fist。　‘Let　go　of　it！’　she　cried。　‘Stop　it！’
　
　He　released　the　Agiel；　letting　it　hang　again。　‘It　helps　distract　me　from　the　headaches；　sometimes；　to　touch　it。　Believe　it　or　not；　it　helps。’
　
　‘You　mean　the　headache　hurts　more　than　that？’
　
　He　nodded。　‘If　it　wasn’t　for　what　Denna　taught　me　about　pain；　I　would　be　unconscious　right　now。　Denna　taught　me　how　to　control　pain；　how　to　tolerate　it；　so　she　could　give　me　more。’
　
　She　tried　to　hold　back　the　tears。　‘Richard；　I　。。。’
　
　‘What　you　felt　was　the　least　of　what　the　Agiel　can　do。’　He　picked　it　up　again　and　touched　the　tip　to　the　inside　of　his　other　forearm。　Blood　gushed　from　under　the　Agiel。　He　took　it　away。　‘It　can　strip　the　flesh　right　off　you。　It　can　break　your　bones。　Denna　liked　to　use　it　to　crack　my　ribs。　She　would　press　it　against　me　and　I　could　hear　the　bone　crack。　They　still　aren’t　healed；　it　still　hurts　to　lie　down；　or　when　you　hug　me　tight　enough。　It　can　do　a　lot　of　other　things　too。　It　can　even　kill　with　a　touch。’
　
　He　stared　at　the　fire。　‘Denna　shackled　my　wrists；　and　later　locked　my　arms　behind　me；　and　held　me　up　with　a　rope　from　the　ceiling。　She　used　the　Agiel　on　me　for　hours　at　a　time。　I　would　beg　until　I　was　hoarse；　for　her　to　stop。　She　never　did。　Not　once。
　
　There　was　no　way　for　me　to　fight　back；　nothing　I　could　do　to　stop　her。　She　trained　me；　she　taught　me；　until　I　sometimes　thought　I　had　no　blood　or　breath　left。　I　begged　her　to　kill　me；　to　end　the　pain。　I　would　have　done　it　myself；　but　she　used　magic　to　prevent　it。　She　had　me　kneel　in　front　of　her　and　beg　her　to　use　the　Agiel。　I　would　have　done　anything　she　said。　She　had　a　friend　who　came　along　sometimes；　so　they　could　share　the　。。。　fun。’
　
　Kahlan　sat　frozen；　hardly　able　to　breathe。　‘Richard；　I　。。。’
　
　‘Every　day；　she　led　me　by　the　collar　to　a　place　where　she　could　hang　me　up　by　a　rope；　a　room　where　she　could　use　the　Agiel　on　me　without　distraction；　where　it　didn’t　matter　so　much　if　my　blood　got　everywhere。　Sometimes　she　did　it　from　the　first　thing　in　the　morning　until　night。　And　then　at　night　。。。
　
　That　is　what　wearing　a　collar　means　to　me。　You　can　tell　me　about　how　much　sense　it　makes；　about　how　it　will　help　me；　and　about　how　I　have　no　choice；　but　that　is　what　wearing　a　collar　means　to　me。
　
　‘I　know　exactly　what　your　shoulder　feels　like　right　now。　It　feels　like　the　skin　has　been　burned；　and　the　muscle　has　been　torn；　and　bone　is　splintered。　That　is　what　it　feels　like　to　wear　a　Mord…Sith’s　collar。　Only　everywhere　on　your　body　all　at　once；　and　all　day　long。　Add　to　that　the　thought　that　you　are　helpless　to　stop　it；　that　you　can　never　escape；　that　you’ll　never　again　see　the　only　person　you　will　ever　love。
　
　‘I　would　rather　die　than　put　a　collar　around　my　neck　again。’
　
　Kahlan　rubbed　her　shoulder。　It　felt　just　as　he　had　described　it。　She　couldn’t　think　of　anything　to　say。　She　hurt　too　much；　inside；　to　say　anything。　So　she　sat　and　watched　him　look　at　the　fire　as　tears　ran　down　her　face。　She　ached　for　him。
　
　And　then　she　heard　herself　ask　something　she　had　promised　herself　she　wasn’t　ever　going　to　ask。　‘Denna　took　you　for　her　mate；　didn’t　she。’　She　wished　she　could　call　the　words　back；　and　at　the　same　time；　she　didn’t。
　
　Richard　didn’t　flinch。　‘Yes；’　he　whispered　as　he　stared　at　the　fire。　Another　tear　ran　down　his　cheek。　‘How　did　you　know？’
　
　‘Demmin　Nass　brought　two　quads　to　take　me。　He　had　a　spell…web　from　Darken　Rahl　to　protect　him　from　Zedd’s　magic。　From　mine　too。　Zedd　couldn’t　do　anything；　he　was　frozen　by　a　web。　Demmin　Nass　told　me　what　had　happened　to　you。　He　said　you　were　dead。　That　was　when　I　called　forth　the　Con　Dar　and　killed　him。’
　
　Richard’s　eyes　closed　as　another　tear　ran　down。　There　was　no　way　for　me　to　stop　her。　I　swear；　Kahlan　。。。　I　tried。　You　can’t　imagine　what　Denna　did　to　me　for　trying　to　stop　her。　There　was　no　way　for　me　to　fight　back。　She　could　do　anything　she　wanted。　It　wasn’t　enough　for　her　to　hurt　me　just　in　the　day。　She　wanted　to　hurt　me　at　night；　too。’
　
　‘How　can　anyone　be　that　evil？’
　
　Richard　stared　at　the　Agiel　as　he　slowly　grasped　it　in　his　fist　again。　‘She　was　captured　when　she　was　twelve。　They　trained　her　with　this　Agiel。　This　very　one。　Everything　she　did　to　me；　they　had　done　to　her。　Over　and　over。　For　years。　They　tortured　her　parents　to　death　in　front　of　her。　There　was　no　one　to　help　her。
　
　‘She　grew　into　a　woman　at　the　end　of　this　Agiel；　surrounded　only　by　people　who　wanted　her　to　hurt。　There　was　no　one　to　give　her　even　a　single　word　of　hope；　of　fort；　of　love。
　
　‘Can　you　imagine　her　terror？　They　gave　her　a　life　of　endless　pain。　They　raped　her　body　and　her　spirit。　They　broke　her。　They　made　her　one　of　them。　Darken　Rahl；　personally；　made　her　one　of　them。
　
　The　whole　time　she　used　this　Agiel　on　me；　it　hurt　her。　The　same　as　it　hurts　me　to　hold　it　now。　There’s　some　magic　for　you。
　
　‘One　day；　Darken　Rahl　beat　her；　for　hours；　because　he　thought　she　wasn’t　hurting　me　enough。　He　flailed　the　skin　right　off　her　back。’
　
　Richard’s　head　hung　as　he　cried。　And　then　at　the　end　of　all　that；　at　the　end　of　a　life　of　pain　and　madness；　I　e　along；　turn　the　Sword　of　Truth　white；　and　run　it　through　her。　The　only　thing　she　asked　before　I　killed　her　was　for　me　to　wear　her　Agiel　and　remember　her。　I　was　the　only　one　who　understood　her　pain。　It　was　the　only　thing　she　wanted：　for　someone　who　understood　to　remember　her。
　
　‘I　promised；　and　she　hung　it　around　my　neck。　And　then　she　just　sat　there　as　I　pushed　my　sword　through　her　heart。　She　had　been　hoping　I　would　be　the　one　with　the　power　to　kill　her。
　
　‘That　is　how　someone　can　be　that　evil。　If　I　had　the　power；　I　would　bring　Darken　Rahl　back　to　life　so　I　could　kill　him　again。’
　
　Kahlan　sat　stunned；　motionless；　caught　in　a　vortex　of　conflicting　emotions。　She　hated　this　Denna　for　hurting　Richard；　she　was　unaccountably　jealous　of　her；　and　at　the　same　time；　she　felt　unexpected；　wrenching　sorrow　for　her。　Finally；　she　turned　away　and　wiped　the　tears　from　her　face。
　
　‘Richard；　why　didn’t　they　win？　Why　wasn’t　Denna　able　to　break　you？　How　did　you　keep　your　sanity？’
　
　‘Because；　as　the　Sisters　said；　I　partitioned　my　mind。　I　don’t　know　how　to　explain　it。　I　didn’t　even　know　exactly　what　it　was　I　was　doing；　but　that’s　how　I　saved　myself。　I　put　the　core　of　myself　away　and　sacrificed　the　rest。　I　let　her　do　what　she　would。　Darken　Rahl　said　that　I　have　the　gift　because　I　did　that。　That　was　when　I　first　heard　the　word　…　partitioned。’
　
　Richard　lay　back；　resting　his　arm　over　his　eyes。　Kahlan　pulled　out　a　blanket　and　bunched　it　under　his　head。　‘I’m　so　sorry；　Richard；’　she　whispered。
　
　‘It’s　over。　That　is　what　matters。’　He　took　his　arm　from　his　eyes　and　at　last　smiled　up　at　her。　‘It’s　over　and　we　are　together。　In　some　ways；　it　was　good。　If　she　hadn’t　taught　me；　I　wouldn’t　be　able　to　deal　with　this　headache。　Maybe　Denna　has　helped　me。　Maybe　I　can　use　what　I　know　to　get　out　of　this。’
　
　She　winced　in　sympathy。　‘Is　it　really　bad　right　now？’
　
　He　nodded　a　little。　‘But　I’ll　die　before　I　ever　put　a　collar　around　my　neck　again。’
　
　She　understood　now；　though　she　wished　she　didn’t。　She　lay　down　snug　against　him。　The　fire　was　a　watery　blur。
　
　
　CHAPTER　11
　
　The　next　day　the　sky　was　a　cold　gray　and　the　wind　icy　as　the　two　of　them　went　out　alone　on　the　plain。　Richard　wanted　to　be　away　from　people；　away　from　buildings。　He　wanted　to　see　the　sky　and　the　earth；　he　said。　The　brown　grass　bowed　in　the　stiff　gusts　that　flapped　and　tugged　their　cloaks　as　they　walked　along　in　silence。　Richard　wanted　to　shoot　his　bow　to　make　the　headache　go　away　for　a　while。　Kahlan　just　wanted　to　be　with　him。
　
　It　seemed　that　the　eternity；　which　a　few　days　ago　she　had　felt　belonged　to　them；　was　slipping　through　her　fingers。　She　wanted　to　fight　back；　but　didn’t　know　how。　Everything　that　was　so　right　was　suddenly　going　wrong。
　
　She　didn’t　think　that　Richard　would　put　on　the　Rada’Han；　the　collar；　no　matter　what　the　Sisters　said。　He　might　accept　learning　to　use　the　gift；　but　she　didn’t　think　he　would　wear　a　collar。　And　if　he　didn’t；　he　would　die。　After　what　he　had　told　her　…　and　worse；　the　things　she　knew　he　hadn’t　…　how　could　she　expect　him　to　wear　it？　Or　ask　him　to？
　
　It　did　feel　good；　though；　to　be　away　from　the　village；　away　from　people　and　away　from　Chandalen’s　eyes　following　them　everywhere。　How　could　she　blame　him？　It　did　seem　as　if　the　two　of　them　kept　bringing　trouble；　but　it　irritated　her　that　he　acted　as　if　they　did　it　on　purpose。　She　was　tired　of　trouble。　It　seemed　as　if　it　would　never　end。　Well；　she　decided；　for　today；　at　least；　they　would　be　away　from　trouble；　and　just　enjoy　being　together。
　
　Kahlan　had　told　him　she　used　to　shoot　a　bow。　She　couldn’t　draw　his　because　it　was　too　heavy；