the autobiography of a quack-第8部分

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son　House　every　day　from　ten　until　two　o'clock。

To　my　delight；　I　got　two　patients　the　first　day。　The　next　I　had　twice　as　many；　when　at　once　I　hired　two　connecting　rooms；　and　made　a　very　useful　arrangement；　which　I　may　describe　dramatically　in　the　following　way：

There　being　two　or　three　patients　waiting　while　I　finished　my　cigar　and　morning　julep；　enters　a　respectable…looking　old　gentleman　who　inquires　briskly　of　the　patients　if　this　is　really　Dr。　von　Ingenhoff's。　He　is　told　it　is。　My　friend　was　apt　to　overact　his　part。　I　had　often　occasion　to　ask　him　to　be　less　positive。

‘‘Ah；''　says　he；　‘‘I　shall　be　delighted　to　see　the　doctor。　Five　years　ago　I　was　scalped　on　the　Plains；　and　now''exhibiting　a　well…covered　head‘‘you　see　what　the　doctor　did　for　me。　'T　isn't　any　wonder　I've　come　fifty　miles　to　see　him。　Any　of　you　been　scalped；　gentlemen？''

To　none　of　them　had　this　misfortune　arrived　as　yet；　but；　like　most　folks　in　the　lower　ranks　of　life　and　some　in　the　upper　ones；　it　was　pleasant　to　find　a　genial　person　who　would　listen　to　their　account　of　their　own　symptoms。

Presently；　after　hearing　enough；　the　old　gentleman　pulls　out　a　large　watch。　‘‘Bless　me！　it's　late。　I　must　call　again。　May　I　trouble　you；　sir；　to　say　to　the　doctor　that　his　old　friend　called　to　see　him　and　will　drop　in　again　to…morrow？　Don't　forget：　Governor　Brown　of　Arkansas。''　A　moment　later　the　governor　visited　me　by　a　side　door；　with　his　account　of　the　symptoms　of　my　patients。

Enter　a　tall　Hoosier；　the　governor　having　retired。　‘‘Now；　doc；''　says　the　Hoosier；　‘‘I've　been　handled　awful　these　two　years　back。''　‘‘Stop！''　I　exclaimed。　‘‘Open　your　eyes。　There；　now；　let　me　see；''　taking　his　pulse　as　I　speak。　‘‘Ah；　you've　a　pain　there；　and　there；　and　you　can't　sleep；　cocktails　don't　agree　any　longer。　Weren't　you　bit　by　a　dog　two　years　ago？''　‘‘I　was；''　says　the　Hoosier；　in　amazement。　‘‘Sir；''　I　reply；　‘‘you　have　chronic　hydrophobia。　It's　the　water　in　the　cocktails　that　disagrees　with　you。　My　bitters　will　cure　you　in　a　week；　sir。　No　more　whiskydrink　milk。''

The　astonishment　of　my　patient　at　these　accurate　revelations　may　be　imagined。　He　is　allowed　to　wait　for　his　medicine　in　the　ante…　room；　where　the　chances　are　in　favor　of　his　relating　how　wonderfully　I　had　told　all　his　symptoms　at　a　glance。

Governor　Brown　of　Arkansas　was　a　small　but　clever　actor；　whom　I　met　in　the　billiard…　room；　and　who　day　after　day；　in　varying　disguises　and　modes；　played　off　the　same　tricks；　to　our　great　common　advantage。

At　my　friend's　suggestion；　we　very　soon　added　to　our　resources　by　the　purchase　of　two　electromagnetic　batteries。　This　special　means　of　treating　all　classes　of　maladies　has　advantages　which　are　altogether　peculiar。　In　the　first　place；　you　instruct　your　patient　that　the　treatment　is　of　necessity　a　long　one。　A　striking　mode　of　putting　it　is　to　say；　‘‘Sir；　you　have　been　six　months　getting　ill；　it　will　require　six　months　for　a　cure。''　There　is　a　correct　sound　about　such　a　phrase；　and　it　is　sure　to　satisfy。　Two　sittings　a　week；　at　two　dollars　a　sitting；　will　pay。　In　many　cases　the　patient　gets　well　while　you　are　electrifying　him。　Whether　or　not　the　electricity　cured　him　is　a　thing　I　shall　never　know。　If；　however；　he　began　to　show　signs　of　impatience；　I　advised　him　that　he　would　require　a　year's　treatment；　and　suggested　that　it　would　be　economical　for　him　to　buy　a　battery　and　use　　it　at　home。　Thus　advised；　he　pays　you　twenty　dollars　for　an　instrument　which　cost　you　ten；　and　you　are　rid　of　a　troublesome　case。

If　the　reader　has　followed　me　closely；　he　will　have　learned　that　I　am　a　man　of　large　and　liberal　views　in　my　profession；　and　of　a　very　justifiable　ambition。　The　idea　has　often　occurred　to　me　of　combining　in　one　establishment　all　the　various　modes　of　practice　which　are　known　as　irregular。　This；　as　will　be　understood；　is　really　only　a　wider　application　of　the　idea　which　prompted　me　to　unite　in　my　own　business　homeopathy　and　the　practice　of　medicine。　I　proposed　to　my　partner；　accordingly；　to　combine　with　our　present　business　that　of　spiritualism；　which　I　knew　had　been　very　profitably　turned　to　account　in　connection　with　medical　practice。　As　soon　as　he　agreed　to　this　plan；　which；　by　the　way；　I　hoped　to　enlarge　so　as　to　include　all　the　available　isms；　I　set　about　making　such　preparations　as　were　necessary。　I　remembered　having　read　somewhere　that　a　Dr。　Schiff　had　shown　that　he　could　produce　remarkable　‘‘knockings；''　so　called；　by　voluntarily　dislocating　the　great　toe　and　then　forcibly　drawing　it　back　into　its　socket。　A　still　better　noise　could　be　made　by　throwing　the　tendon　of　the　peroneus　longus　muscle　out　of　the　hollow　in　which　it　lies；　alongside　of　the　ankle。　After　some　effort　I　was　able　to　accomplish　both　feats　quite　readily；　and　could　occasion　a　remarkable　variety　of　sounds；　according　to　the　power　which　I　employed　or　the　positions　which　I　occupied　at　the　time。　As　to　all　other　matters；　I　trusted　to　the　suggestions　of　my　own　ingenuity；　which；　as　a　rule；　has　rarely　failed　me。

The　largest　success　attended　the　novel　plan　which　my　lucky　genius　had　devised；　so　that　soon　we　actually　began　to　divide　large　profits　and　to　lay　by　a　portion　of　our　savings。　It　is；　of　course；　not　to　be　supposed　that　this　desirable　result　was　attained　without　many　annoyances　and　some　positive　danger。　My　spiritual　revelations；　medical　and　other；　were；　as　may　be　supposed；　only　more　or　less　happy　guesses；　but　in　this；　as　in　predictions　as　to　the　weather　and　other　events；　the　rare　successes　always　get　more　prominence　in　the　minds　of　men　than　the　numerous　failures。　Moreover；　whenever　a　person　has　been　fool　enough　to　resort　to　folks　like　myself；　he　is　always　glad　to　be　able　to　defend　his　conduct　by　bringing　forward　every　possible　proof　of　skill　on　the　part　of　the　men　he　has　consulted。　These　considerations；　and　a　certain　love　of　mysterious　　or　unusual　means；　I　have　commonly　found　sufficient　to　secure　an　ample　share　of　gullible　individuals。　I　may　add；　too；　that　those　who　would　be　shrewd　enough　to　understand　and　expose　us　are　wise　enough　to　keep　away　altogether。　Such　as　did　come　were；　as　a　rule；　easy　enough　to　manage；　but　now　and　then　we　hit　upon　some　utterly　exceptional　patient　who　was　both　foolish　enough　to　consult　us　and　sharp　enough　to　know　he　had　been　swindled。　When　such　a　fellow　made　a　fuss；　it　was　occasionally　necessary　to　return　his　money　if　it　was　found　impossible　to　bully　him　into　silence。　In　one　or　two　instances；　where　I　had　promised　a　cure　upon　prepayment　of　two　or　three　hundred　dollars；　I　was　either　sued　or　threatened　with　suit；　and　had　to　refund　a　part　or　the　whole　of　the　amount；　but　most　people　preferred　to　hold　their　tongues　rather　than　expose　to　the　world　the　extent　of　their　own　folly。

In　one　most　disastrous　case　I　suffered　personally　to　a　degree　which　I　never　can　recall　without　a　distinct　sense　of　annoyance；　both　at　my　own　want　of　care　and　at　the　disgusting　consequences　which　it　brought　upon　me。

Early　one　morning　an　old　gentleman　called；　in　a　state　of　the　utmost　agitation；　and　　explained　that　he　desired　to　consult　the　spirits　as　to　a　heavy　loss　which　he　had　experienced　the　night　before。　He　had　left；　he　said；　a　sum　of　money　in　his　pantaloons　pocket　upon　going　to　bed。　In　the　morning　he　had　changed　his　clothes　and　gone　out；　forgetting　to　remove　the　notes。　Returning　in　an　hour　in　great　haste；　he　discovered　that　the　garment　still　lay　upon　the　chair　where　he　had　thrown　it；　but　that　the　money　was　missing。　I　at　once　desired　him　to　be　seated；　and　proceeded　to　ask　him　certain　questions；　in　a　chatty　way；　about　the　habits　of　his　household；　the　amount　lost；　and　the　like；　expecting　thus　to　get　some　clue　which　would　enable　me　to　make　my　spirits　display　the　requisite　share　of　sagacity　in　pointing　out　the　thief。　I　learned　readily　that　he　was　an　old　and　wealthy　man；　a　little　close；　too；　I　suspected；　and　that　he　lived　in　a　large　house　with　but　two　servants；　and　an　only　son　about　twenty…　one　years　old。　The　servants　were　both　women　who　had　lived　in　the　household　many　years；　and　were　probably　innocent。　Unluckily；　remembering　my　own　youthful　career；　I　presently　reached　the　conclusion　that　the　young　man　had　been　the　delinquent。　When　I　ventured　to　inquire　a　little　as　to　his　habits；　the　old　gentleman　cut　me　very　short；　remarking　　that　he　came　to　ask　questions；　and　not　to　be　questioned；　and　that　he　desired　at　once　to　consult　the　spirits。　Upon　this　I　sat　down　at　a　table；　and；　after　a　brief　silence；　demanded　in　a　solemn　voice　if　there　were　any　spirits　present。　By　industriously　cracking　my　big　toe…joint　I　was　enabled　to　represent　at　once　the　presence　of　a　numerous　assembly　of　these　worthies。　Then　I　inquired　if　any　one　of　them　had　been　present　when　the　robbery　was　effected。　A　prompt　double　knock　replied　in　the　affirmative。　I　may　say　here；　by　the　way；　that　the　unanimity　of　the　spirits　as　to　their　use　of　two　knocks　for　‘‘yes''　and　one　for　‘‘no''　is　a　very　remarkable　point；　and　shows；　if　it　shows　anything；　how　perfect　and　universal　must　be　the　social　intercourse　of　the　respected　departed。　It　is　worthy　of　note；　also；　that　if　the　spiritI　will　not　say　the　medium　perceives　after　one　knock　that　it　were　wiser　to　say　yes；　he　can　conveniently　add　the　second　tap。　Some　such　arrangement　in　real　life　would；　it　appears　to　me；　be　highly　desirable。

It　seemed　that　the　spirit　was　that　of　Vidocq；　the　French　detective。　I　had　just　read　a　translation　of　his　memoirs；　and　he　seemed　to　me　a　very　available　spirit　to　call　upon。

As　soon　as　I　explained　that　the　spirit　who　　answered　had　been　a　witness　of　the　theft；　the　old　man　became　strangely　agitated。　‘‘Who　was　it？''　said　he。　At　once　the　spirit　indicated　a　desire　to　use　the　alphabet。　As　we　went　over　the　letters；always　a　slow　method；　but　useful　when　you　want　to　observe　excitable　people；my　visitor　kept　saying；　‘‘Quicker　go　quicker。''　At　length　the　spirit　spelled　out　the　words；　‘‘I　know　not　his　name。''

‘‘Was　it；''　said　the　gentleman‘‘was　it　a　was　it　one　of　my　household？''

I　knocked　‘‘yes''　without　hesitation；　who　else；　indeed；　could　it　have　been？

‘‘Excuse　me；''　he　went　on；　‘‘if　I　ask　you　for　a　little　whisky。''

This　I　gave　him。　He　continued：　‘‘Was　it　Susan　or　Ellen？''

‘‘No；　no！''

‘‘Was　it''　He　paused。　‘‘If　I　ask　a　question　mentally；　will　the　spirits　reply？''　I　knew　what　he　meant。　He　w