historia calamitatum-第9部分

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oice；　and　nought　beside。　My　former　rivals；　seeing　that　they　themselves　were　now　powerless　to　do　me　hurt；　stirred　up　against　me　certain　new　apostles　in　whom　the　world　put　great　faith。　One　of　these　（Norbert　of　Prémontré）　took　pride　in　his　position　as　canon　of　a　regular　order；　the　other　（Bernard　of　Clairvaux）　made　it　his　boast　that　he　bad　revived　the　true　monastic　life。　These　two　ran　hither　and　yon　preaching　and　shamelessly　slandering　me　in　every　way　they　could；　so　that　in　time　they　succeeded　in　drawing　down　on　my　head　the　scorn　of　many　among　those　having　authority；　among　both　the　clergy　and　the　laity。　They　spread　abroad　such　sinister　reports　of　my　faith　as　well　as　of　my　life　that　they　turned　even　my　best　friends　against　me；　and　those　who　still　retained　something　of　their　former　regard　for　me　were　fain　to　disguise　it　in　every　possible　way　by　reason　of　their　fear　of　these　two　men。

God　is　my　witness　that　whensoever　I　learned　of　the　convening　of　a　new　assemblage　of　the　clergy；　I　believed　that　it　was　done　for　the　express　purpose　of　my　condemnation。　Stunned　by　this　fear　like　one　smitten　with　a　thunderbolt；　I　daily　expected　to　be　dragged　before　their　councils　or　assemblies　as　a　heretic　or　one　guilty　of　impiety。　Though　I　seem　to　compare　a　flea　with　a　lion；　or　an　ant　with　an　elephant；　in　very　truth　my　rivals　persecuted　me　no　less　bitterly　than　the　heretics　of　old　hounded　St。　Athanasius。　Often；　God　knows；　I　sank　so　deep　in　despair　that　I　was　ready　to　leave　the　world　of　Christendom　and　go　forth　among　the　heathen；　paying　them　a　stipulated　tribute　in　order　that　I　might　live　quietly　a　Christian　life　among　the　enemies　of　Christ。　It　seemed　to　me　that　such　people　might　indeed　be　kindly　disposed　toward　me；　particularly　as　they　would　doubtless　suspect　me　of　being　no　good　Christian；　imputing　my　flight　to　some　crime　I　had　committed；　and　would　therefore　believe　that　I　might　perhaps　be　won　over　to　their　form　of　worship。

CHAPTER　XIII
OF　THE　ABBEY　TO　WHICH　HE　WAS　CALLED　AND　OF　THE　PERSECUTION　HE　HAD　FROM　HIS　SONS　THAT　IS　TO　SAY　THE　MONKS　AND　FROM　THE　LORD　OF　THE　LAND
WHILE　I　was　thus　afflicted　with　so　great　perturbation　to　of　the　spirit；　and　when　the　only　way　of　escape　seemed　to　be　for　me　to　seek　refuge　with　Christ　among　the　enemies　of　Christ；　there　came　a　chance　whereby　I　thought　I　could　for　a　while　avoid　the　plottings　of　my　enemies。　But　thereby　I　fell　among　Christians　and　monks　who　were　far　more　savage　than　heathens　and　more　evil　of　life。　The　thing　came　about　in　this　wise。　There　was　in　lesser　Brittany；　in　the　bishopric　of　Vannes；　a　certain　abbey　of　St。　Gildas　at　Ruits；　then　mourning　the　death　of　its　shepherd。　To　this　abbey　the　elective　choice　of　the　brethren　called　me；　with　the　approval　of　the　prince　of　that　land；　and　I　easily　secured　permission　to　accept　the　post　from　my　own　abbot　and　brethren。　Thus　did　the　hatred　of　the　French　drive　me　westward；　even　as　that　of　the　Romans　drove　Jerome　toward　the　East。　Never；　God　knows；　would　I　have　agreed　to　this　thing　had　it　not　been　for　my　longing　for　any　possible　means　of　escape　from　the　sufferings　which　I　had　borne　so　constantly。

The　land　was　barbarous　and　its　speech　was　unknown　to　me；　as　for　the　monks；　their　vile　and　untameable　way　of　life　was　notorious　almost　everywhere。　The　people　of　the　region；　too；　were　uncivilized　and　lawless。　Thus；　like　one　who　in　terror　of　the　sword　that　threatens　him　dashes　headlong　over　a　precipice；　and　to　shun　one　death　for　a　moment　rushes　to　another；　I　knowingly　sought　this　new　danger　in　order　to　escape　from　the　former　one。　And　there；　amid　the　dreadful　roar　of　the　waves　of　the　sea；　where　the　land's　end　left　me　no　further　refuge　in　flight；　often　in　my　prayers　did　I　repeat　over　and　over　again：　〃From　the　end　of　the　earth　will　I　cry　unto　Thee；　when　my　heart　is　overwhelmed〃　（Ps。　lxi。　2）。

No　one；　methinks；　could　fail　to　understand　how　persistently　that　undisciplined　body　of　monks；　the　direction　of　which　I　had　thus　undertaken；　tortured　my　heart　day　and　night；　or　how　constantly　I　was　compelled　to　think　of　the　danger　alike　to　my　body　and　to　my　soul。　I　held　it　for　certain　that　if　I　should　try　to　force　them　to　live　according　to　the　principles　they　had　themselves　professed；　I　should　not　survive。　And　yet；　if　I　did　not　do　this　to　the　utmost　of　my　ability；　I　saw　that　my　damnation　was　assured。　Moreover；　a　certain　lord　who　was　exceedingly　powerful　in　that　region　had　some　time　previously　brought　the　abbey　under　his　control；　taking　advantage　of　the　state　of　disorder　within　the　monastery　to　seize　all　the　lands　adjacent　thereto　for　his　own　use；　and　he　ground　down　the　monks　with　taxes　heavier　than　those　which　were　extorted　from　the　Jews　themselves。

The　monks　pressed　me　to　supply　them　with　their　daily　necessities；　but　they　held　no　property　in　common　which　I　might　administer　in　their　behalf；　and　each　one；　with　such　resources　as　he　possessed；　supported　himself　and　his　concubines；　as　well　as　his　sons　and　daughters。　They　took　delight　in　harassing　me　on　this　matter；　and　they　stole　and　carried　off　whatsoever　they　could　lay　their　hands　on；　to　the　end　that　my　failure　to　maintain　order　might　make　me　either　give　up　trying　to　enforce　discipline　or　else　abandon　my　post　altogether。　Since　the　entire　region　was　equally　savage；　lawless　and　disorganized；　there　was　not　a　single　man　to　whom　I　could　turn　for　aid；　for　the　habits　of　all　alike　were　foreign　to　me。　Outside　the　monastery　the　lord　and　his　henchmen　ceaselessly　hounded　me；　and　within　its　walls　the　brethren　were　forever　plotting　against　me；　so　that　it　seemed　as　if　the　Apostle　had　had　me　and　none　other　in　mind　when　he　I　said：　〃Without　were　fightings；　within　were　fears〃　（II　Cor。　vii。　5）。

I　considered　and　lamented　the　uselessness　and　the　wretchedness　of　my　existence；　how　fruitless　my　life　now　was；　both　to　myself　and　to　others；　how　of　old　I　had　been　of　some　service　to　the　clerics　whom　I　had　now　abandoned　for　the　sake　of　these　monks；　so　that　I　was　no　longer　able　to　be　of　use　to　either；　how　incapable　I　had　proved　myself　in　everything　I　had　undertaken　or　attempted；　so　that　above　all　others　I　deserved　the　reproach；　〃This　man　began　to　build；　and　was　not　able　to　finish〃　（Luke　xiv。　30）。　My　despair　grew　still　deeper　when　I　compared　the　evils　I　had　left　behind　with　those　to　which　I　had　come；　for　my　former　sufferings　now　seemed　to　me　as　nought。　Full　often　did　I　groan：　〃Justly　has　this　sorrow　come　upon　me　because　I　deserted　the　Paraclete；　which　is　to　say　the　Consoler；　and　thrust　myself　into　sure　desolation；　seeking　to　shun　threats　I　fled　to　certain　peril。〃

The　thing　which　tormented　me　most　was　the　fact　that；　having　abandoned　my　oratory；　I　could　make　no　suitable　provision　for　the　celebration　there　of　the　divine　office；　for　indeed　the　extreme　poverty　of　the　place　would　scarcely　provide　the　necessities　of　one　man。　But　the　true　Paraclete　Himself　brought　me　real　consolation　in　the　midst　of　this　sorrow　of　mine；　and　made　all　due　provision　for　His　own　oratory。　For　it　chanced　that　in　some　manner　or　other；　laying　claim　to　it　as　having　legally　belonged　in　earlier　days　to　his　monastery；　my　abbot　of　St。　Denis　got　possession　of　the　abbey　of　Argenteuil；　of　which　I　have　previously　spoken；　wherein　she　who　was　now　my　sister　in　Christ　rather　than　my　wife；　Heloise；　had　taken　the　veil。　From　this　abbey　he　expelled　by　force　all　the　nuns　who　had　dwelt　there；　and　of　whom　my　former　companion　had　become　the　prioress。　The　exiles　being　thus　dispersed　in　various　places；　I　perceived　that　this　was　an　opportunity　presented　by　God　himself　to　me　whereby　I　could　make　provision　anew　for　my　oratory。　And　so；　returning　thither；　I　bade　her　come　to　the　oratory；　together　with　some　others　from　the　same　convent　who　had　clung　to　her。

On　their　arrival　there　I　made　over　to　them　the　oratory；　together　with　everything　pertaining　thereto；　and　subsequently；　through　the　approval　and　assistance　of　the　bishop　of　the　district；　Pope　Innocent　II　promulgated　a　decree　confirming　my　gift　in　perpetuity　to　them　and　their　successors。　And　this　refuge　of　divine　mercy；　which　they　served　so　devotedly；　soon　brought　them　consolation；　even　though　at　first　their　life　there　was　one　of　want；　and　for　a　time　of　utter　destitution。　But　the　place　proved　itself　a　true　Paraclete　to　them；　making　all　those　who　dwelt　round　about　feel　pity　and　kindliness　for　the　sisterhood。　So　that；　methinks；　they　prospered　more　through　gifts　in　a　single　year　than　I　should　have　done　if　I　had　stayed　there　a　hundred。　True　it　is　that　the　weakness　of　womankind　makes　their　needs　and　sufferings　appeal　strongly　to　people's　feelings；　as　likewise　it　makes　their　virtue　all　the　more　pleasing　to　God　and　man。　And　God　granted　such　favour　in　the　eyes　of　all　to　her　who　was　now　my　sister；　and　who　was　in　authority　over　the　rest；　that　the　bishops　loved　her　as　a　daughter；　the　abbots　as　a　sister；　and　the　laity　as　a　mother。　All　alike　marvelled　at　her　religious　zeal；　her　good　judgment　and　the　sweetness　of　her　incomparable　patience　in　all　things。　The　less　often　she　allowed　herself　to　be　seen；　shutting　herself　up　in　her　cell　to　devote　herself　to　sacred　meditations　and　prayers；　the　more　eagerly　did　those　who　dwelt　without　demand　her　presence　and　the　spiritual　guidance　of　her　words。

CHAPTER　XIV
OF　THE　VILE　REPORT　OF　HIS　INIQUITY
BEFORE　long　all　those　who　dwelt　thereabouts　began　to　censure　me　roundly；　complaining　that　I　paid　far　less　attention　to　their　needs　than　I　might　and　should　have　done；　and　that　at　least　I　could　do　something　for　them　through　my　preaching。　As　a　result；　I　returned　thither　frequently；　to　be　of　service　to　them　in　whatsoever　way　I　could。　Regarding　this　there　was　no　lack　of　hateful　murmuring；　and　the　thing　which　sincere　charity　induced　me　to　do　was　seized　upon　by　the　wickedness　of　my　detractors　as　the　subject　of　shameless　outcry。　They　declared　that　I；　who　of　old　could　scarcely　endure　to　be　parted　from　her　I　loved；　was　still　swayed　by　the　delights　of　fleshly　lust。　Many　times　I　thought　of　the　complaint　of　St。　Jerome　in　his　letter　to　Asella　regarding　those　women　whom　he　was　falsely　accused　of　loving　when　he　said　（Epist。　xcix）：　〃I　am　charged　with　nothing　save　the　fact　of　my　sex；　and　this　charge　is　made　only　because　Paula　is　setting　forth　to　Jerusalem。〃　And　again：　〃Before　I　became　intimate　in　the　household　of　the　saintly　Paula；　the　whole　city　was　loud　in　my　praise；　and　nearly　every　o