curious republic of gondour-第6部分

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container。　　Friends　wanted　a　silver　door…plate　on　the　coffin；　signifying
who　he　was　and　wher；　he　was　from。　　Now　you　know　a　fellow　couldn't　roust
out　such　a　gaily　thing　as　that　in　a　little　country　town　like　this。　　What
did　corpse　say？　　Corpse　said；　whitewash　his　old　canoe　and　dob　his　address
and　general　destination　onto　it　with　a　blacking　brush　and　a　stencil
plate；　long　with　a　verse　from　some　likely　hymn　or　other；　and　pint　him　for
the　tomb；　and　mark　him　C。　O。　D。；　and　just　let　him　skip　along。　　He　warn't
distressed　any　more　than　you　beon　the　contrary　just　as　carm　and
collected　as　a　hearse…horse；　said　he　judged　that　wher'　he　was　going　to；
a　body　would　find　it　considerable　better　to　attract　attention　by　a
picturesque　moral　character　than　a　natty　burial　case　with　a　swell
doorplate　on　it。　　Splendid　man；　he　was。　　I'd　druther　do　for　a　corpse　like
that　'n　any　I've　tackled　in　seven　year。　　There's　some　satisfaction　in
buryin'　a　man　like　that。　　You　feel　that　what　you're　doing　is　appreciated。
Lord　bless　you；　so's　he　got　planted　before　he　sp'iled；　he　was　perfectly
satisfied；　said　his　relations　meant　well；　perfectly　well；　but　all　them
preparations　was　bound　to　delay　the　thing　more　or　less；　and　he　didn't
wish　to　be　kept　layin'　round。　　You　never　see　such　a　clear　head　as　what　he
hadand　so　carm　and　so　cool。　　Just　a　hunk　of　brains　that　is　what　he　was。
Perfectly　awful。　　It　was　a　ripping　distance　from　one　end　of　that　man's
head　to　t'other。　　Often　and　over　again　he's　had　brain　fever　a…raging　in
one　place；　and　the　rest　of　the　pile　didn't　know　anything　about　itdidn't
affect　it　any　more　than　an　Injun　insurrection　in　Arizona　affects　the
Atlantic　States。　　Well；　the　relations　they　wanted　a　big　funeral；　but
corpse　said　he　was　down　on　flummerydidn't　want　any　processionfill　the
hearse　full　of　mourners；　and　get　out　a　stern　line　and　tow　him　behind。
He　was　the　most　down　on　style　of　any　remains　I　ever　struck。　　A　beautiful；
simple…minded　creatureit　was　what　he　was；　you　can　depend　on　that。　　He
was　just　set　on　having　things　the　way　he　wanted　them；　and　he　took　a　solid
comfort　in　laying　his　little　plans。　　He　had　me　measure　him　and　take　a
whole　raft　of　directions；　then　he　had　a　minister　stand　up　behind　a　long
box　with　a　tablecloth　over　it　and　read　his　funeral　sermon；　saying
'Angcore；　angcore！'　at　the　good　places；　and　making　him　scratch　out　every
bit　of　brag　about　him；　and　all　the　hifalutin；　and　then　he　made　them　trot
out　the　choir　so's　he　could　help　them　pick　out　the　tunes　for　the
occasion；　and　he　got　them　to　sing　'Pop　Goes　the　Weasel；'　because　he'd
always　liked　that　tune　when　he　was　downhearted；　and　solemn　music　made　him
sad；　and　when　they　sung　that　with　tears　in　their　eyes　（because　they　all
loved　him）；　and　his　relations　grieving　around；　he　just　laid　there　as
happy　as　a　bug；　and　trying　to　beat　time　and　showing　all　over　how　much　he
enjoyed　it；　and　presently　he　got　worked　up　and　excited；　and　tried　to　join
in；　for　mind　you　he　was　pretty　proud　of　his　abilities　in　the　singing
line；　but　the　first　time　he　opened　his　mouth　and　was　just　going　to　spread
himself；　his　breath　took　a　walk。　　I　never　see　a　man　snuffed　out　so
sudden。　　Ah；　it　was　a　great　lossit　was　a　powerful　loss　to　this　poor
little　one…horse　town。　　Well；　well；　well；　I　hain't　got　time　to　be
palavering　along　heregot　to　nail　on　the　lid　and　mosey　along　with'　him；
and　if　you'll　just　give　me　a　lift　we'll　skeet　him　into　the　hearse　and
meander　along。　　Relations　bound　to　have　it　sodon't　pay　no　attention　to
dying　injunctions；　minute　a　corpse's　gone；　but　if　I　had　my　way；　if　I
didn't　respect　his　last　wishes　and　tow　him　behind　the　hearse；　I'll　be
cuss'd。　　I　consider　that　whatever　a　corpse　wants　done　for　his　comfort　is
a　little　enough　matter；　and　a　man　hain't　got　no　right　to　deceive　him　or
take　advantage　of　himand　whatever　a　corpse　trusts　me　to　do　I'm　a…going
to　do；　you　know；　even　if　it's　to　stuff　him　and　paint　him　yaller　and　keep
him　for　a　keepsakeyou　hear　me！〃

He　cracked　his　whip　and　went　lumbering　away　with　his　ancient　ruin　of　a
hearse；　and　I　continued　my　walk　with　a　valuable　lesson　learnedthat　a
healthy　and　wholesome　cheerfulness　is　not　necessarily　impossible　to　any
occupation。　　The　lesson　is　likely　to　be　lasting；　for　it　will　take　many
months　to　obliterate　the　memory　of　the　remarks　and　circumstances　that
impressed　it。






A　ROYAL　COMPLIMENT

　　　　　The　latest　report　about　the　Spanish　crown　is；　that　it　will　now　be
　　　　　offered　to　Prince　Alfonso；　the　second　son　of　the　King　of　Portugal；
　　　　　who　is　but　five　years　of　age。　　The　Spaniards　have　hunted　through　all
　　　　　the　nations　of　Europe　for　a　King。　　They　tried　to　get　a　Portuguese　in
　　　　　the　person　of　Dom…Luis；　who　is　an　old　ex…monarch；　they　tried　to　get
　　　　　an　Italian；　in　the　person　of　Victor　Emanuel's　young　son；　the　Duke　of
　　　　　Genoa；　they　tried　to　get　a　Spaniard；　in　the　person　of　Espartero；　who
　　　　　is　an　octogenarian。　　Some　of　them　desired　a　French　Bourbon；
　　　　　Montpensier；　some　of　them　a　Spanish　Bourbon；　the　Prince　of　Asturias；
　　　　　some　of　them　an　English　prince；　one　of　the　sons　of　Queen　Victoria。
　　　　　They　have　just　tried　to　get　the　German　Prince　Leopold；　but　they　have
　　　　　thought　it　better　to　give　him　up　than　take　a　war　along　with　him。
　　　　　It　is　a　long　time　since　we　first　suggested　to　them　to　try　an
　　　　　American　ruler。　　We　can　offer　them　a　large　number　of　able　and
　　　　　experienced　sovereigns　to　pick　from…men　skilled　in　statesmanship；
　　　　　versed　in　the　science　of　government；　and　adepts　in　all　the　arts　of
　　　　　administrationmen　who　could　wear　the　crown　with　dignity　and　rule
　　　　　the　kingdom　at　a　reasonable　expense。

　　　　　There　is　not　the　least　danger　of　Napoleon　threatening　them　if　they
　　　　　take　an　American　sovereign；　in　fact；　we　have　no　doubt　he　would　be
　　　　　pleased　to　support　such　a　candidature。　　We　are　unwilling　to　mention
　　　　　namesthough　we　have　a　man　in　our　eye　whom　we　wish　they　had　in
　　　　　theirs。New　York　Tribune。

It　would　be　but　an　ostentation　of　modesty　to　permit　such　a　pointed
reference　to　myself　to　pass　unnoticed。　　This　is　the　second　time　that　'The
Tribune'　（no　doubt　sincerely　looking　to　the　best　interests　of　Spain　and
the　world　at　large）　has　done　me　the　great　and　unusual　honour　to　propose
me　as　a　fit　person　to　fill　the　Spanish　throne。　　Why　'The　Tribune'　should
single　me　out　in　this　way　from　the　midst　of　a　dozen　Americans　of　higher
political　prominence；　is　a　problem　which　I　cannot　solve。　　Beyond　a
somewhat　intimate　knowledge　of　Spanish　history　and　a　profound　veneration
for　its　great　names　and　illustrious　deeds；　I　feel　that　I　possess　no　merit
that　should　peculiarly　recommend　me　to　this　royal　distinction。　　I　cannot
deny　that　Spanish　history　has　always　been　mother's　milk　to　me。　　I　am
proud　of　every　Spanish　achievement；　from　Hernando　Cortes's　victory　at
Thermopylae　down　to　Vasco　Nunez　de　Balboa's　discovery　of　the　Atlantic
ocean；　and　of　every　splendid　Spanish　name；　from　Don　Quixote　and　the　Duke
of　Wellington　down　to　Don　Caesar　de　Bazan。　　However；　these　little　graces
of　erudition　are　of　small　consequence；　being　more　showy　than　serviceable。

In　case　the　Spanish　sceptre　is　pressed　upon　meand　the　indications
unquestionably　are　that　it　will　beI　shall　feel　it　necessary　to　have
certain　things　set　down　and　distinctly　understood　beforehand。　　For
instance：　　My　salary　must　be　paid　quarterly　in　advance。　　In　these
unsettled　times　it　will　not　do　to　trust。　　If　Isabella　had　adopted　this
plan；　she　would　be　roosting　on　her　ancestral　throne　to…day；　for　the
simple　reason　that　her　subjects　never　could　have　raised　three　months　of　a
royal　salary　in　advance；　and　of　course　they　could　not　have　discharged　her
until　they　had　squared　up　with　her。　　My　salary　must　be　paid　in　gold；　when
greenbacks　are　fresh　in　a　country；　they　are　too　fluctuating。　　My　salary
has　got　to　be　put　at　the　ruling　market　rate；　I　am　not　going　to　cut　under
on　the　trade；　and　they　are　not　going　to　trail　me　a　long　way　from　home　and
then　practise　on　my　ignorance　and　play　me　for　a　royal　North　Adams
Chinaman；　by　any　means。　　As　I　understand　it；　imported　kings　generally　get
five　millions　a　year　and　house…rent　free。　　Young　George　of　Greece　gets
that。　　As　the　revenues　only　yield　two　millions；　he　has　to　take　the
national　note　for　considerable；　but　even　with　things　in　that　sort　of
shape　he　is　better　fixed　than　he　was　in　Denmark；　where　he　had　to
eternally　stand　up　because　he　had　no　throne　to　sit　on；　and　had　to　give
bail　for　his　board；　because　a　royal　apprentice　gets　no　salary　there　while
he　is　learning　his　trade。　　England　is　the　place　for　that。　　Fifty　thousand
dollars　a　year　Great　Britain　pays　on　each　royal　child　that　is　born；　and
this　is　increased　from　year　to　year　as　the　child　becomes　more　and　more
indispensable　to　his　country。　　Look　at　Prince　Arthur。　　At　first　he　only
got　the　usual　birth…bounty；　but　now　that　he　has　got　so　that　he　can　dance；
there　is　simply　no　telling　what　wages　he　gets。

I　should　have　to　stipulate　that　the　Spanish　people　wash　more　and
endeavour　to　get　along　with　less　quarantine。　　Do　you　know；　Spain　keeps
her　ports　fast　locked　against　foreign　traffic　three…fourths　of　each　year；
because　one　day　she　is　scared　about　the　cholera；　and　the　next　about　the
plague；　and　next　the　measles；　next　the　hooping　cough；　the　hives；　and　the
rash？　but　she　does　not　mind　leonine　leprosy　and　elephantiasis　any　more
than　a　great　and　enlightened　civilisation　minds　freckles。　　Soap　would
soon　remove　her　anxious　distress　about　foreign　distempers。　　The　reason
arable　land　is　so　scarce　in　Spain　is　because　the　people　squander　so　much
of　it　on　their　persons；　and　then　when　they　die　it　is　improvidently　buried
with　them。

I　should　feel　obliged　to　stipulate　that　Marshal　Serrano　be　reduced　to　the
rank　of　constable；　or　even　roundsman。　　He　is　no　longer　fit　to　be　City
Marshal。　　A　man　who　refused　to　be　king　because　he　was　too　old　and　feeble；
is　ill　qualified　to　help　sick　people　to　the　station…house　when　they　are
armed　and　their　form　of　delirium　tremens　is　of　the　exuberant　and
demonstrative　kind。

I　should　also　require　that　a　force　be　sent　to　chase　the　late　Queen
Isabella　out　of　France。　　Her　presence　there　can　work　no　advantage　to
Spain；　and　she　ought　to　be　made　to　move　at　once；　though；　poor　thing；　she
has　been　c