stage-land-第3部分

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is　always　where　you　get　nabbed。　　The　police　know　your　habits　from
experience。　　They　do　not　trouble　to　look　for　you。　　They　go　down　in　the
last　act　to　the　old　hall　or　the　ruined　mill　where　you　did　the　deed　and
wait　for　you。

In　nine　cases　out　of　ten　you　would　get　off　scot…free　but　for　this
idiotic　custom　of　yours。　　Do　keep　away　from　the　place。　　Go　abroad　or
to　the　sea…side　when　the　last　act　begins　and　stop　there　till　it　is
over。　　You　will　be　safe　then。



THE　HEROINE。

She　is　always　in　troubleand　don't　she　let　you　know　it；　too！　　Her
life　is　undeniably　a　hard　one。　　Nothing　goes　right　with　her。　　We　all
have　our　troubles；　but　the　stage　heroine　never　has　anything　else。　　If
she　only　got　one　afternoon　a　week　off　from　trouble　or　had　her　Sundays
free　it　would　be　something。

But　no；　misfortune　stalks　beside　her　from　week's　beginning　to　week's
end。

After　her　husband　has　been　found　guilty　of　murder；　which　is　about　the
least　thing　that　can　ever　happen　to　him；　and　her　white…haired　father
has　become　a　bankrupt　and　has　died　of　a　broken　heart；　and　the　home　of
her　childhood　has　been　sold　up；　then　her　infant　goes　and　contracts　a
lingering　fever。

She　weeps　a　good　deal　during　the　course　of　her　troubles；　which　we
suppose　is　only　natural　enough；　poor　woman。　　But　it　is　depressing　from
the　point　of　view　of　the　audience；　and　we　almost　wish　before　the
evening　is　out　that　she　had　not　got　quite　so　much　trouble。

It　is　over　the　child　that　she　does　most　of　her　weeping。　　The　child　has
a　damp　time　of　it　altogether。　　We　sometimes　wonder　that　it　never
catches　rheumatism。

She　is　very　good；　is　the　stage　heroine。　　The　comic　man　expresses　a
belief　that　she　is　a　born　angel。　　She　reproves　him　for　this　with　a
tearful　smile　（it　wouldn't　be　her　smile　if　it　wasn't　tearful）。

〃Oh；　no；〃　she　says　（sadly　of　course）；　〃I　have　many；　many　faults。〃

We　rather　wish　that　she　would　show　them　a　little　more。　　Her　excessive
goodness　seems　somehow　to　pall　upon　us。　　Our　only　consolation　while
watching　her　is　that　there　are　not　many　good　women　off　the　stage。
Life　is　bad　enough　as　it　is；　if　there　were　many　women　in　real　life　as
good　as　the　stage　heroine；　it　would　be　unbearable。

The　stage　heroine's　only　pleasure　in　life　is　to　go　out　in　a　snow…storm
without　an　umbrella　and　with　no　bonnet　on。　　She　has　a　bonnet；　we　know
（rather　a　tasteful　little　thing）；　we　have　seen　it　hanging　up　behind
the　door　of　her　room；　but　when　she　comes　out　for　a　night　stroll　during
a　heavy　snow…storm　（accompanied　by　thunder）；　she　is　most　careful　to
leave　it　at　home。　　Maybe　she　fears　the　snow　will　spoil　it；　and　she　is
a　careful　girl。

She　always　brings　her　child　out　with　her　on　these　occasions。　　She
seems　to　think　that　it　will　freshen　it　up。　　The　child　does　not
appreciate　the　snow　as　much　as　she　does。　　He　says　it's　cold。

One　thing　that　must　irritate　the　stage　heroine　very　much　on　these
occasions　is　the　way　in　which　the　snow　seems　to　lie　in　wait　for　her
and　follow　her　about。　　It　is　quite　a　fine　night　before　she　comes　on
the　scene：　　the　moment　she　appears　it　begins　to　snow。　　It　snows
heavily　all　the　while　she　remains　about；　and　the　instant　she　goes　it
clears　up　again　and　keeps　dry　for　the　rest　of　the　evening。

The　way　the　snow　〃goes〃　for　that　poor　woman　is　most　unfair。　　It　always
snows　much　heavier　in　the　particular　spot　where　she　is　sitting　than　it
does　anywhere　else　in　the　whole　street。　　Why；　we　have　sometimes　seen　a
heroine　sitting　in　the　midst　of　a　blinding　snow…storm　while　the　other
side　of　the　road　was　as　dry　as　a　bone。　　And　it　never　seemed　to　occur
to　her　to　cross　over。

We　have　even　known　a　more　than　unusually　malignant　snow…storm　to
follow　a　heroine　three　times　round　the　stage　and　then　go　off　（R。）　with
her。

Of　course　you　can't　get　away　from　a　snow…storm　like　that！　　A　stage
snow…storm　is　the　kind　of　snow…storm　that　would　follow　you　upstairs
and　want　to　come　into　bed　with　you。

Another　curious　thing　about　these　stage　snow…storms　is　that　the　moon
is　always　shining　brightly　through　the　whole　of　them。　　And　it　shines
only　on　the　heroine；　and　it　follows　her　about　just　like　the　snow　does。

Nobody　fully　understands　what　a　wonderful　work　of　nature　the　moon　is
except　people　acquainted　with　the　stage。　　Astronomy　teaches　you
something　about　the　moon；　but　you　learn　a　good　deal　more　from　a　few
visits　to　a　theater。　　You　will　find　from　the　latter　that　the　moon　only
shines　on　heroes　and　heroines；　with　perhaps　an　occasional　beam　on　the
comic　man：　　it　always　goes　out　when　it　sees　the　villain　coming。

It　is　surprising；　too；　how　quickly　the　moon　can　go　out　on　the　stage。
At　one　moment　it　is　riding　in　full　radiance　in　the　midst　of　a
cloudless　sky；　and　the　next　instant　it　is　gone！　　Just　as　though　it　had
been　turned　off　at　a　meter。　　It　makes　you　quite　giddy　at　first　until
you　get　used　to　it。

The　stage　heroine　is　inclined　to　thoughtfulness　rather　than　gayety。

In　her　cheerful　moments　the　stage　heroine　thinks　she　sees　the　spirit
of　her　mother；　or　the　ghost　of　her　father；　or　she　dreams　of　her　dead
baby。

But　this　is　only　in　her　very　merry　moods。　　As　a　rule；　she　is　too　much
occupied　with　weeping　to　have　time　for　frivolous　reflections。

She　has　a　great　flow　of　language　and　a　wonderful　gift　of　metaphor　and
similemore　forcible　than　elegantand　this　might　be　rather　trying　in
a　wife　under　ordinary　circumstances。　　But　as　the　hero　is　generally
sentenced　to　ten　years'　penal　servitude　on　his　wedding…morn；　he
escapes　for　a　period　from　a　danger　that　might　well　appall　a　less
fortunate　bridegroom。

Sometimes　the　stage　heroine　has　a　brother；　and　if　so　he　is　sure　to　be
mistaken　for　her　lover。　　We　never　came　across　a　brother　and　sister　in
real　life　who　ever　gave　the　most　suspicious　person　any　grounds　for
mistaking　them　for　lovers；　but　the　stage　brother　and　sister　are　so
affectionate　that　the　error　is　excusable。

And　when　the　mistake　does　occur　and　the　husband　comes　in　suddenly　and
finds　them　kissing　and　raves　she　doesn't　turn　round　and　say：

〃Why；　you　silly　cuckoo；　it's　only　my　brother。〃

That　would　be　simple　and　sensible；　and　would　not　suit　the　stage
heroine　at　all。　　No；　she　does　all　in　her　power　to　make　everybody
believe　it　is　true；　so　that　she　can　suffer　in　silence。

She　does　so　love　to　suffer。

Marriage　is　undoubtedly　a　failure　in　the　case　of　the　stage　heroine。

If　the　stage　heroine　were　well　advised　she　would　remain　single。　　Her
husband　means　well。　　He　is　decidedly　affectionate。　　But　he　is
unfortunate　and　inexperienced　in　worldly　affairs。　　Things　come　right
for　him　at　the　end　of　the　play；　it　is　true；　but　we　would　not　recommend
the　heroine　to　place　too　much　reliance　upon　the　continuance　of　this
happy　state　of　affairs。　　From　what　we　have　seen　of　her　husband　and　his
business　capabilities　during　the　five　acts　preceding；　we　are　inclined
to　doubt　the　possibility　of　his　being　anything　but　unfortunate　to　the
end　of　his　career。

True；　he　has　at　last　got　his　〃rights〃　（which　he　would　never　have　lost
had　he　had　a　head　instead　of　a　sentimental　bladder　on　his　shoulders）；
the　Villain　is　handcuffed；　and　he　and　the　heroine　have　settled　down
comfortably　next　door　to　the　comic　man。

But　this　heavenly　existence　will　never　last。　　The　stage　hero　was　built
for　trouble；　and　he　will　be　in　it　again　in　another　month；　you　bet。
They'll　get　up　another　mortgage　for　him　on　the　〃estates；〃　and　he　won't
know；　bless　you；　whether　he　really　did　sign　it　or　whether　he　didn't；
and　out　he　will　go。

And　he'll　slop　his　name　about　to　documents　without　ever　looking　to　see
what　he's　doing；　and　be　let　in　for　Lord　knows　what；　and　another　wife
will　turn　up　for　him　that　he　had　married　when　a　boy　and　forgotten　all
about。

And　the　next　corpse　that　comes　to　the　village　he'll　get　mixed　up
withsure　toand　have　it　laid　to　his　door；　and　there'll　be　all　the
old　business　over　again。

No；　our　advice　to　the　stage　heroine　is　to　get　rid　of　the　hero　as　soon
as　possible；　marry　the　villain；　and　go　and　live　abroad　somewhere　where
the　comic　man　won't　come　fooling　around。

She　will　be　much　happier。



THE　COMIC　MAN。

He　follows　the　hero　all　over　the　world。　　This　is　rough　on　the　hero。

What　makes　him　so　gone　on　the　hero　is　that　when　they　were　boys
together　the　hero　used　to　knock　him　down　and　kick　him。　　The　comic　man
remembers　this　with　a　glow　of　pride　when　he　is　grown　up；　and　it　makes
him　love　the　hero　and　determine　to　devote　his　life　to　him。

He　is　a　man　of　humble　stationthe　comic　man。　　The　village　blacksmith
or　a　peddler。　　You　never　see　a　rich　or　aristocratic　comic　man　on　the
stage。　　You　can　have　your　choice　on　the　stage；　you　can　be　funny　and　of
lowly　origin；　or　you　can　be　well…to…do　and　without　any　sense　of　humor。
Peers　and　policemen　are　the　people　most　utterly　devoid　of　humor　on　the
stage。

The　chief　duty　of　the　comic　man's　life　is　to　make　love　to
servant…girls；　and　they　slap　his　face；　but　it　does　not　discourage　him；
he　seems　to　be　more　smitten　by　them　than　ever。

The　comic　man　is　happy　under　any　fate；　and　he　says　funny　things　at
funerals　and　when　the　bailiffs　are　in　the　house　or　the　hero　is　waiting
to　be　hanged。

This　sort　of　man　is　rather　trying　in　real　life。　　In　real　life　such　a
man　would　probably　be　slaughtered　to　death　and　buried　at　an　early
period　of　his　career；　but　on　the　stage　they　put　up　with　him。

He　is　very　good；　is　the　comic　man。　　He　can't　bear　villainy。　　To　thwart
villainy　is　his　life's　ambition；　and　in　this　noble　object　fortune
backs　him　up　grandly。　　Bad　people　come　and　commit　their　murders　and
thefts　right　under　his　nose；　so　that　he　can　denounce　them　in　the　last
act。

They　never　see　him　there；　standing　close　beside　them；　while　they　are
performing　these　fearful　crimes。

It　is　marvelous　how　short…sighted　people　on　the　stage　are。　　We　always
thought　that　the　young　lady　in　real　life　was　moderately　good　at　not
seeing　folks　she　did　not　want　to　when　they　were　standing　straight　in
front　of　her；　but　her　affliction　in　this　direction　is　as　nothing
compared　with　that　of　her　brothers　and　sisters　on　the　stage。

These　unfortunate　people　come　into　rooms　where　there　are　crowds　of
people　aboutpeople　that　it　is　most　important　that　they　should　see；
and　owing　to　not　seeing　whom　they　get　themselves　into　fearful　trouble；
an