stage-land-第6部分

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〃If　I　had　been　at　my　post　that　day；〃　he　explains　to　his　sobbing
mother；　〃I　should　have　been　blown　up；　but　the　Providence　that　watches
over　good　men　had　ordained　that　I　should　be　laying　blind　drunk　in
Blogg's　saloon　at　the　time　the　explosion　took　place；　and　so　the　other
engineer；　who　had　been　doing　my　work　when　it　was　his　turn　to　be　off；
was　killed　along　with　the　whole　of　the　crew。〃

〃Ah；　thank　Heaven；　thank　Heaven　for　that！〃　ejaculates　the　pious　old
lady；　and　the　comic　man　is　so　overcome　with　devout　joy　that　he　has　to
relieve　his　overstrained　heart　by　drawing　his　young　woman　on　one　side
and　grossly　insulting　her。

All　attempts　to　kill　this　young　man　ought　really　to　be　given　up　now。
The　job　has　been　tried　over　and　over　again　by　villains　and　bad　people
of　all　kinds；　but　no　one　has　ever　succeeded。　　There　has　been　an　amount
of　energy　and　ingenuity　expended　in　seeking　to　lay　up　that　one　man
which；　properly　utilized；　might　have　finished　off　ten　million　ordinary
mortals。　　It　is　sad　to　think　of　so　much　wasted　effort。

He；　the　young　man　coming　home　to　see　his　girl；　need　never　take　an
insurance　ticket　or　even　buy　a　_Tit　Bits_。　　It　would　be　needless
expenditure　in　his　case。

On　the　other　hand；　and　to　make　matters　equal；　as　it　were；　there　are
some　stage　people　so　delicate　that　it　is　next　door　to　impossible　to
keep　them　alive。

The　inconvenient　husband　is　a　most　pathetic　example　of　this。　　Medical
science　is　powerless　to　save　that　man　when　the　last　act　comes　round；
indeed；　we　doubt　whether　medical　science；　in　its　present　state　of
development；　could　even　tell　what　is　the　matter　with　him　or　why　he
dies　at　all。　　He　looks　healthy　and　robust　enough　and　nobody　touches
him；　yet　down　he　drops；　without　a　word　of　warning；　stone…dead；　in　the
middle　of　the　floorhe　always　dies　in　the　middle　of　the　floor。　　Some
folks　like　to　die　in　bed；　but　stage　people　don't。　　They　like　to　die　on
the　floor。　　We　all　have　our　different　tastes。

The　adventuress　herself　is　another　person　who　dies　with　remarkable
ease。　　We　suppose　in　her　case　it　is　being　so　used　to　it　that　makes　her
so　quick　and　clever　at　it。　　There　is　no　lingering　illness　and　doctors'
bills　and　upsetting　of　the　whole　household　arrangements　about　her
method。　　One　walk　round　the　stage　and　the　thing　is　done。

All　bad　characters　die　quickly　on　the　stage。　　Good　characters　take　a
long　time　over　it；　and　have　a　sofa　down　in　the　drawing…room　to　do　it
on；　and　have　sobbing　relatives　and　good　old　doctors　fooling　around
them；　and　can　smile　and　forgive　everybody。　　Bad　stage　characters　have
to　do　the　whole　job；　dying　speech　and　all；　in　about　ten　seconds；　and
do　it　with　all　their　clothes　on　into　the　bargain；　which　must　make　it
most　uncomfortable。

It　is　repentance　that　kills　off　the　bad　people　in　plays。　　They　always
repent；　and　the　moment　they　repent　they　die。　　Repentance　on　the　stage
seems　to　be　one　of　the　most　dangerous　things　a　man　can　be　taken　with。
Our　advice　to　stage　wicked　people　would　undoubtedly　be；　〃Never　repent。
If　you　value　your　life；　don't　repent。　　It　always　means　sudden　death！〃

To　return　to　our　adventuress。　　She　is　by　no　means　a　bad　woman。　　There
is　much　good　in　her。　　This　is　more　than　proved　by　the　fact　that　she
learns　to　love　the　hero　before　she　dies；　for　no　one　but　a　really　good
woman　capable　of　extraordinary　patience　and　gentleness　could　ever；　we
are　convinced；　grow　to　feel　any　other　sentiment　for　that　irritating
ass；　than　a　desire　to　throw　bricks　at　him。

The　stage　adventuress　would　be　a　much　better　woman；　too；　if　it　were
not　for　the　heroine。　　The　adventuress　makes　the　most　complete
arrangements　for　being　noble　and　self…sacrificingthat　is；　for　going
away　and　never　coming　back；　and　is　just　about　to　carry　them　out；　when
the　heroine；　who　has　a　perfect　genius　for　being　in　the　wrong　place　at
the　right　time；　comes　in　and　spoils　it　all。　　No　stage　adventuress　can
be　good　while　the　heroine　is　about。　　The　sight　of　the　heroine　rouses
every　bad　feeling　in　her　breast。

We　can　sympathize　with　her　in　this　respect。　　The　heroine　often　affects
ourselves　in　precisely　the　same　way。

There　is　a　good　deal　to　be　said　in　favor　of　the　adventuress。　　True；
she　possesses　rather　too　much　sarcasm　and　repartee　to　make　things
quite　agreeable　round　the　domestic　hearth；　and　when　she　has　got　all
her　clothes　on　there　is　not　much　room　left　in　the　place　for　anybody
else；　but　taken　on　the　whole　she　is　decidedly　attractive。　　She　has
grit　and　go　in　her。　　She　is　alive。　　She　can　do　something　to　help
herself　besides　calling　for　〃George。〃

She　has　not　got　a　stage　childif　she　ever　had　one；　she　has　left　it　on
somebody　else's　doorstep　which；　presuming　there　was　no　water　handy　to
drown　it　in；　seems　to　be　about　the　most　sensible　thing　she　could　have
done　with　it。　　She　is　not　oppressively　good。

She　never　wants　to　be　〃unhanded〃　or　〃let　to　pass。〃

She　is　not　always　being　shocked　or　insulted　by　people　telling　her　that
they　love　her；　she　does　not　seem　to　mind　it　if　they　do。　　She　is　not
always　fainting；　and　crying；　and　sobbing；　and　wailing；　and　moaning；
like　the　good　people　in　the　play　are。

Oh；　they　do　have　an　unhappy　time　of　itthe　good　people　in　plays！
Then　she　is　the　only　person　in　the　piece　who　can　sit　on　the　comic　man。

We　sometimes　think　it　would　be　a　fortunate　thingfor　himif　they
allowed　her　to　marry　and　settle　down　quietly　with　the　hero。　　She　might
make　a　man　of　him　in　time。



THE　SERVANT…GIRL。

There　are　two　types　of　servant…girl　to　be　met　with　on　the　stage。　　This
is　an　unusual　allowance　for　one　profession。

There　is　the　lodging…house　slavey。　　She　has　a　good　heart　and　a　smutty
face　and　is　always　dressed　according　to　the　latest　fashion　in
scarecrows。　　Her　leading　occupation　is　the　cleaning　of　boots。　　She
cleans　boots　all　over　the　house；　at　all　hours　of　the　day。　　She　comes
and　sits　down　on　the　hero's　breakfast…table　and　cleans　them　over　the
poor　fellow's　food。　　She　comes　into　the　drawing…room　cleaning　boots。

She　has　her　own　method　of　cleaning　them；　too。　　She　rubs　off　the　mud；
puts　on　the　blacking；　and　polishes　up　all　with　the　same　brush。　　They
take　an　enormous　amount　of　polishing。　　She　seems　to　do　nothing　else
all　day　long　but　walk　about　shining　one　boot；　and　she　breathes　on　it
and　rubs　it　till　you　wonder　there　is　any　leather　left；　yet　it　never
seems　to　get　any　brighter；　nor；　indeed；　can　you　expect　it　to；　for　when
you　look　close　you　see　it　is　a　patent…leather　boot　that　she　has　been
throwing　herself　away　upon　all　this　time。

Somebody　has　been　having　a　lark　with　the　poor　girl。

The　lodging…house　slavey　brushes　her　hair　with　the　boot　brush　and
blacks　the　end　of　her　nose　with　it。

We　were　acquainted　with　a　lodging…house　slavey　oncea　real　one；　we
mean。　　She　was　the　handmaiden　at　a　house　in　Bloomsbury　where　we　once
hung　out。　　She　was　untidy　in　her　dress；　it　is　true；　but　she　had　not
quite　that　castaway　and　gone…to…sleep…in…a…dust…bin　appearance　that
we；　an　earnest　student　of　the　drama；　felt　she　ought　to　present；　and　we
questioned　her　one　day　on　the　subject。

〃How　is　it；　Sophronia；〃　we　said；　〃that　you　distantly　resemble　a　human
being　instead　of　giving　one　the　idea　of　an　animated　rag…shop？　　Don't
you　ever　polish　your　nose　with　the　blacking…brush；　or　rub　coal　into
your　head；　or　wash　your　face　in　treacle；　or　put　skewers　into　your
hair；　or　anything　of　that　sort；　like　they　do　on　the　stage？〃

She　said：　　〃Lord　love　you；　what　should　I　want　to　go　and　be　a　bally
idiot　like　that　for？〃

And　we　have　not　liked　to　put　the　question　elsewhere　since　then。

The　other　type　of　servant…girl　on　the　stagethe　villa
servant…girlis　a　very　different　personage。　　She　is　a　fetching　little
thing；　dresses　bewitchingly；　and　is　always　clean。　　Her　duties　are　to
dust　the　legs　of　the　chairs　in　the　drawing…room。　　That　is　the　only
work　she　ever　has　to　do；　but　it　must　be　confessed　she　does　that
thoroughly。　　She　never　comes　into　the　room　without　dusting　the　legs　of
these　chairs；　and　she　dusts　them　again　before　she　goes　out。

If　anything　ought　to　be　free　from　dust　in　a　stage　house；　it　should　be
the　legs　of　the　drawing…room　chairs。

She　is　going　to　marry　the　man…servant；　is　the　stage　servant…girl；　as
soon　as　they　have　saved　up　sufficient　out　of　their　wages　to　buy　a
hotel。　　They　think　they　will　like　to　keep　a　hotel。　　They　don't
understand　a　bit　about　the　business；　which　we　believe　is　a　complicated
one；　but　this　does　not　trouble　them　in　the　least。

They　quarrel　a　good　deal　over　their　love…making；　do　the　stage
servant…girl　and　her　young　man；　and　they　always　come　into　the
drawing…room　to　do　it。　　They　have　got　the　kitchen；　and　there　is　the
garden　（with　a　fountain　and　mountains　in　the　backgroundyou　can　see
it　through　the　window）；　but　no！　no　place　in　or　about　the　house　is　good
enough　for　them　to　quarrel　in　except　the　drawing…room。　　They　quarrel
there　so　vigorously　that　it　even　interferes　with　the　dusting　of　the
chair…legs。

She　ought　not　to　be　long　in　saving　up　sufficient　to　marry　on；　for　the
generosity　of　people　on　the　stage　to　the　servants　there　makes　one
seriously　consider　the　advisability　of　ignoring　the　unremunerative
professions　of　ordinary　life　and　starting　a　new　and　more　promising
career　as　a　stage　servant。

No　one　ever　dreams　of　tipping　the　stage　servant　with　less　than　a
sovereign　when　they　ask　her　if　her　mistress　is　at　home　or　give　her　a
letter　to　post；　and　there　is　quite　a　rush　at　the　end　of　the　piece　to
stuff　five…pound　notes　into　her　hand。　　The　good　old　man　gives　her　ten。

The　stage　servant　is　very　impudent　to　her　mistress；　and　the　masterhe
falls　in　love　with　her　and　it　does　upset　the　house　so。

Sometimes　the　servant…girl　is　good　and　faithful；　and　then　she　is
Irish。　　All　good　servant…girls　on　the　stage　are　Irish。

All　the　male　visitors　are　expected　to　kiss　the　stage　servant…girl　when
they　come　into　the　house；　and　to　dig　her　in　the　ribs　and　to　say：　　〃Do
you　know；　Jane；　I　think　you're　an　uncommonly　nice　girlclick。〃　　They
always　say　this；　and　she　likes　it。

Many　years　ago；　when　we　were　young；　we　thought　we　would　see　if　things
were　the　same　off　the　stage；　and　the　next　time　we　called　at　a　certain
friend's　house　we　tried　this　business　on。

She　wasn't　quite　so　dazzlingly　beautiful　as　they　are　on　the　stage；　but
we　pa