a confession(忏悔录)-第15部分

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teachers　and　monks　of　the　lesser　and　stricter　orders　who　approved

the　killing　of　helpless；　erring　youths。　　And　I　took　note　of　all

that　is　done　by　men　who　profess　Christianity；　and　I　was　horrified。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
XVI



　　　　　And　I　ceased　to　doubt；　and　became　fully　convinced　that　not　all

was　true　in　the　religion　I　had　joined。　　Formerly　I　should　have　said

that　it　was　all　false；　but　I　could　not　say　so　now。　　The　whole　of

the　people　possessed　a　knowledge　of　the　truth；　for　otherwise　they

could　not　have　lived。　　Moreover；　that　knowledge　was　accessible　to

me；　for　I　had　felt　it　and　had　lived　by　it。　　But　I　no　longer　doubted

that　there　was　also　falsehood　in　it。　　And　all　that　had　previously

repelled　me　now　presented　itself　vividly　before　me。　　And　though　I

saw　that　among　the　peasants　there　was　a　smaller　admixture　of　the

lies　that　　repelled　me　than　among　the　representatives　of　the

Church；　I　still　saw　that　in　the　people's　belief　also　falsehood　was

mingled　with　the　truth。

　　　　　But　where　did　the　truth　and　where　did　the　falsehood　come　from？　

Both　the　falsehood　and　the　truth　were　contained　in　the　so…called

holy　tradition　and　in　the　Scriptures。　　Both　the　falsehood　and　the

truth　had　been　handed　down　by　what　is　called　the　Church。

　　　　　And　whether　I　liked　or　not；　I　was　brought　to　the　study　and

investigation　of　these　writings　and　traditions　　which　till　now　I

had　been　so　afraid　to　investigate。

　　　　　And　I　turned　to　the　examination　of　that　same　theology　which　I

had　once　rejected　with　such　contempt　as　unnecessary。　　Formerly　it

seemed　to　me　a　series　of　unnecessary　absurdities；　when　on　all　sides

I　was　surrounded　by　manifestations　of　life　which　seemed　to　me　clear

and　full　of　sense；　now　I　should　have　been　glad　to　throw　away　what

would　not　enter　a　health　head；　but　I　had　nowhere　to　turn　to。　　On

this　teaching　religious　doctrine　rests；　or　at　least　with　it　the

only　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　life　that　I　have　found　is

inseparably　connected。　　However　wild　it　may　seem　too　my　firm　old

mind；　it　was　the　only　hope　of　salvation。　　It　had　to　be　carefully；

attentively　examined　in　order　to　understand　it；　and　not　even　to

understand　it　as　I　understand　the　propositions　of　science：　　I　do

not　seek　that；　nor　can　I　seek　it；　knowing　the　special　character　of

religious　knowledge。　　I　shall　not　seek　the　explanation　of

everything。　　I　know　that　the　explanation　of　everything；　like　the

commencement　of　everything；　must　be　concealed　in　infinity。　　But　I

wish　to　understand　in　a　way　which　will　bring　me　to　what　is

inevitably　inexplicable。　　I　wish　to　recognize　anything　that　is

inexplicable　as　being　so　not　because　the　demands　of　my　reason　are

wrong　（they　are　right；　and　apart　from　them　I　can　understand

nothing）；　but　because　I　recognize　the　limits　of　my　intellect。　　I

wish　to　understand　in　such　a　way　that　everything　that　is

inexplicable　shall　present　itself　to　me　as　being　necessarily

inexplicable；　and　not　as　being　something　I　am　under　an　arbitrary

obligation　to　believe。

　　　　　That　there　is　truth　in　the　teaching　is　to　me　indubitable；　but

it　is　also　certain　that　there　is　falsehood　in　it；　and　I　must　find

what　is　true　and　what　is　false；　and　must　disentangle　the　one　from

the　other。　　I　am　setting　to　work　upon　this　task。　　What　of　falsehood

I　have　found　in　the　teaching　and　what　I　have　found　of　truth；　and　to

what　conclusions　I　came；　will　form　the　following　parts　of　this

work；　which　if　it　be　worth　it　and　if　anyone　wants　it；　will　probably

some　day　be　printed　somewhere。

　　　　　1879。



　　　　　The　foregoing　was　written　by　me　some　three　years　ago；　and　will

be　printed。

　　　　　Now　a　few　days　ago；　when　revising　it　and　returning　to　the　line

of　thought　and　to　the　feelings　I　had　when　I　was　living　through　it

all；　I　had　a　dream。　　This　dream　expressed　in　condensed　form　all

that　I　had　experienced　and　described；　and　I　think　therefore　that；

for　those　who　have　understood　me；　a　description　of　this　dream　will

refresh　and　elucidate　and　unify　what　has　been　set　forth　at　such

length　in　the　foregoing　pages。　　The　dream　was　this：

　　　　　I　saw　that　I　was　lying　on　a　bed。　　I　was　neither　comfortable

nor　uncomfortable：　I　was　lying　on　my　back。　　But　I　began　to　consider

how；　and　on　what；　I　was　lying　　a　question　which　had　not　till　then

occurred　to　me。　　And　observing　my　bed；　I　saw　I　was　lying　on　plaited

string　supports　attached　to　its　sides：　my　feet　were　resting　on　one

such　support；　by　calves　on　another；　and　my　legs　felt　uncomfortable。　

I　seemed　to　know　that　those　supports　were　movable；　and　with　a

movement　of　my　foot　I　pushed　away　the　furthest　of　them　at　my　feet　…

…　it　seemed　to　me　that　it　would　be　more　comfortable　so。　　But　I

pushed　it　away　too　far　and　wished　to　reach　it　again　with　my　foot；

and　that　movement　caused　the　next　support　under　my　calves　to　slip

away　also；　so　that　my　legs　hung　in　the　air。　　I　made　a　movement　with

my　whole　body　to　adjust　myself；　fully　convinced　that　I　could　do　so

at　once；　but　the　movement　caused　the　other　supports　under　me　to

slip　and　to　become　entangled；　and　I　saw　that　matters　were　going

quite　wrong：　the　whole　of　the　lower　part　of　my　body　slipped　and

hung　down；　though　my　feet　did　not　reach　the　ground。　　I　was　holding

on　only　by　the　upper　part　of　my　back；　and　not　only　did　it　become

uncomfortable　but　I　was　even　frightened。　　And　then　only　did　I　ask

myself　about　something　that　had　not　before　occurred　to　me。　　I　asked

myself：　　Where　am　I　and　what　am　I　lying　on？　and　I　began　to　look

around　and　first　of　all　to　look　down　in　the　direction　which　my　body

was　hanging　and　whiter　I　felt　I　must　soon　fall。　　I　looked　down　and

did　not　believe　my　eyes。　　I　was　not　only　at　a　height　comparable　to

the　height　of　the　highest　towers　or　mountains；　but　at　a　height　such

as　I　could　never　have　imagined。

　　　　　I　could　not　even　make　out　whether　I　saw　anything　there　below；

in　that　bottomless　abyss　over　which　I　was　hanging　and　whiter　I　was

being　drawn。　　My　heart　contracted；　and　I　experienced　horror。　　To

look　thither　was　terrible。　　If　I　looked　thither　I　felt　that　I

should　at　once　slip　from　the　last　support　and　perish。　　And　I　did

not　look。　　But　not　to　look　was　still　worse；　for　I　thought　of　what

would　happen　to　me　directly　I　fell　from　the　last　support。　　And　I

felt　that　from　fear　I　was　losing　my　last　supports；　and　that　my　back

was　slowly　slipping　lower　and　lower。　　Another　moment　and　I　should

drop　off。　　And　then　it　occurred　to　me　that　this　cannot　e　real。　　It

is　a　dream。　　Wake　up！　I　try　to　arouse　myself　but　cannot　do　so。　

What　am　I　to　do？　　What　am　I　to　do？　　I　ask　myself；　and　look　upwards。　

Above；　there　is　also　an　infinite　space。　　I　look　into　the　immensity

of　sky　and　try　to　forget　about　the　immensity　below；　and　I　really　do

forget　it。　　The　immensity　below　repels　and　frightens　me；　the

immensity　above　attracts　and　strengthens　me。　　I　am　still　supported

above　the　abyss　by　the　last　supports　that　have　not　yet　slipped　from

under　me；　I　know　that　I　am　hanging；　but　I　look　only　upwards　and　my

fear　passes。　　As　happens　in　dreams；　a　voice　says：　〃Notice　this；

this　is　it！〃　　And　I　look　more　and　more　into　the　infinite　above　me

and　feel　that　I　am　becoming　calm。　　I　remember　all　that　has

happened；　and　remember　how　it　all　happened；　how　I　moved　my　legs；

how　I　hung　down；　how　frightened　I　was；　and　how　I　was　saved　from

fear　by　looking　upwards。　　And　I　ask　myself：　Well；　and　now　am　I　not

hanging　just　the　same？　　And　I　do　not　so　much　look　round　as

experience　with　my　whole　body　the　point　of　support　on　which　I　am

held。　　I　see　that　I　no　longer　hang　as　if　about　to　fall；　but　am

firmly　held。　　I　ask　myself　how　I　am　held：　I　feel　about；　look　round；

and　see　that　under　me；　under　the　middle　of　my　body；　there　is　one

support；　and　that　when　I　look　upwards　I　lie　on　it　in　the　position

of　securest　balance；　and　that　it　alone　gave　me　support　before。　　And

then；　as　happens　in　dreams；　I　imagined　the　mechanism　by　means　of

which　I　was　held；　a　very　natural　intelligible；　and　sure　means；

though　to　one　awake　that　mechanism　has　no　sense。　　I　was　even

surprised　in　my　dream　that　I　had　not　understood　it　sooner。　　It

appeared　that　at　my　head　there　was　a　pillar；　and　the　security　of

that　slender　pillar　was　undoubted　though　there　was　nothing　to

support　it。　　From　the　pillar　a　loop　hung　very　ingeniously　and　yet

simply；　and　if　one　lay　with　the　middle　of　one's　body　in　that　loop

and　looked　up；　there　could　be　no　question　of　falling。　　This　was　all

clear　to　me；　and　I　was　glad　and　tranquil。　　And　it　seemed　as　if

someone　said　to　me：　　〃See　that　you　remember。〃

　　　　　And　I　awoke。



End