liber amoris-第15部分

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ithout　seeing　her；　and　I　said　to　her　younger　sister；　〃Betsey；　if　Sarah　will　come　up　now；　I'll　pay　her　what　she　laid　out　for　me　the　other　day。〃〃My　sister's　gone　out；　Sir；〃　was　the　answer。　　What　again！　thought　I；　That's　somewhat　sudden。　　I　told　P　her　sitting　in　the　window…seat　of　the　front　parlour　boded　me　no　good。　　It　was　not　in　her　old　character。　　She　did　not　use　to　know　there　were　doors　or　windows　in　the　houseand　now　she　goes　out　three　times　in　a　week。　　It　is　to　meet　some　one；　I'll　lay　my　life　on't。　　〃Where　is　she　gone？〃〃To　my　grandmother's；　Sir。〃　　〃Where　does　your　grandmother　live　now？〃〃At　Somers'　Town。〃　　I　immediately　set　out　to　Somers'　Town。　　I　passed　one　or　two　streets；　and　at　last　turned　up　King　Street；　thinking　it　most　likely　she　would　return　that　way　home。　　I　passed　a　house　in　King　Street　where　I　had　once　lived；　and　had　not　proceeded　many　paces；　ruminating　on　chance　and　change　and　old　times；　when　I　saw　her　coming　towards　me。　　I　felt　a　strange　pang　at　the　sight；　but　I　thought　her　alone。　　Some　people　before　me　moved　on；　and　I　saw　another　person　with　her。　　THE　MURDER　WAS　OUT。　　It　was　a　tall；　rather　well…looking　young　man；　but　I　did　not　at　first　recollect　him。　　We　passed　at　the　crossing　of　the　street　without　speaking。　　Will　you　believe　it；　after　all　that　had　past　between　us　for　two　years；　after　what　had　passed　in　the　last　half…year；　after　what　had　passed　that　very　morning；　she　went　by　me　without　even　changing　countenance；　without　expressing　the　slightest　emotion；　without　betraying　either　shame　or　pity　or　remorse　or　any　other　feeling　that　any　other　human　being　but　herself　must　have　shewn　in　the　same　situation。　　She　had　no　time　to　prepare　for　acting　a　part；　to　suppress　her　feelingsthe　truth　is；　she　has　not　one　natural　feeling　in　her　bosom　to　suppress。　　I　turned　and　lookedthey　also　turned　and　looked　and　as　if　by　mutual　consent；　we　both　retrod　our　steps　and　passed　again；　in　the　same　way。　　I　went　home。　　I　was　stifled。　　I　could　not　stay　in　the　house；　walked　into　the　street　and　met　them　coming　towards　home。　　As　soon　as　he　had　left　her　at　the　door　（I　fancy　she　had　prevailed　with　him　to　accompany　her；　dreading　some　violence）　I　returned；　went　up　stairs；　and　requested　an　interview。　　Tell　her；　I　said；　I'm　in　excellent　temper　and　good　spirits；　but　I　must　see　her！　　She　came　smiling；　and　I　said；　〃Come　in；　my　dear　girl；　and　sit　down；　and　tell　me　all　about　it；　how　it　is　and　who　it　is。〃〃　What；〃　she　said；　〃do　you　mean　Mr。　C？〃　　〃Oh；〃　said　I；　〃Then　it　is　he！　　Ah！　you　rogue；　I　always　suspected　there　was　something　between　you；　but　you　know　you　denied　it　lustily：　why　did　you　not　tell　me　all　about　it　at　the　time；　instead　of　letting　me　suffer　as　I　have　done？　　But；　however；　no　reproaches。　　I　only　wish　it　may　all　end　happily　and　honourably　for　you；　and　I　am　satisfied。　　But；〃　I　said；　〃you　know　you　used　to　tell　me；　you　despised　looks。〃〃She　didn't　think　Mr。　C　was　so　particularly　handsome。〃　　〃No；　but　he's　very　well　to　pass；　and　a　well…grown　youth　into　the　bargain。〃　　Pshaw！　let　me　put　an　end　to　the　fulsome　detail。　　I　found　he　had　lived　over　the　way；　that　he　had　been　lured　thence；　no　doubt；　almost　a　year　before；　that　they　had　first　spoken　in　the　street；　and　that　he　had　never　once　hinted　at　marriage；　and　had　gone　away；　because　（as　he　said）　they　were　too　much　together；　and　that　it　was　better　for　her　to　meet　him　occasionally　out　of　doors。　　〃There　could　be　no　harm　in　them　walking　together。〃　　〃No；　but　you　may　go　some　where　afterwards。〃〃　One　must　trust　to　one's　principle　for　that。〃　　Consummate　hypocrite！　　*　*　*　*　*　*　　I　told　her　Mr。　M；　who　had　married　her　sister；　did　not　wish　to　leave　the　house。　　I；　who　would　have　married　her；　did　not　wish　to　leave　it。　　I　told　her　I　hoped　I　should　not　live　to　see　her　come　to　shame；　after　all　my　love　of　her；　but　put　her　on　her　guard　as　well　as　I　could；　and　said；　after　the　lengths　she　had　permitted　herself　with　me；　I　could　not　help　being　alarmed　at　the　influence　of　one　over　her；　whom　she　could　hardly　herself　suppose　to　have　a　tenth　part　of　my　esteem　for　her！！　　She　made　no　answer　to　this；　but　thanked　me　coldly　for　my　good　advice；　and　rose　to　go。　　I　begged　her　to　sit　a　few　minutes；　that　I　might　try　to　recollect　if　there　was　anything　else　I　wished　to　say　to　her；　perhaps　for　the　last　time；　and　then；　not　finding　anything；　I　bade　her　good　night；　and　asked　for　a　farewell　kiss。　　Do　you　know　she　refused；　so　little　does　she　understand　what　is　due　to　friendship；　or　love；　or　honour！　　We　parted　friends；　however；　and　I　felt　deep　grief；　but　no　enmity　against　her。　　I　thought　C　had　pressed　his　suit　after　I　went；　and　had　prevailed。　　There　was　no　harm　in　thata　little　fickleness　or　so；　a　little　over…pretension　to　unalterable　attachmentbut　that　was　all。　　She　liked　him　better　than　meit　was　my　hard　hap；　but　I　must　bear　it。　　I　went　out　to　roam　the　desert　streets；　when；　turning　a　corner；　whom　should　I　meet　but　her　very　lover？　　I　went　up　to　him　and　asked　for　a　few　minutes'　conversation　on　a　subject　that　was　highly　interesting　to　me　and　I　believed　not　indifferent　to　him：　and　in　the　course　of　four　hours'　talk；　it　came　out　that　for　three　months　previous　to　my　quitting　London　for　Scotland；　she　had　been　playing　the　same　game　with　him　as　with　methat　he　breakfasted　first；　and　enjoyed　an　hour　of　her　society；　and　then　I　took　my　turn；　so　that　we　never　jostled；　and　this　explained　why；　when　he　came　back　sometimes　and　passed　my　door；　as　she　was　sitting　in　my　lap；　she　coloured　violently；　thinking　if　her　lover　looked　in；　what　a　denouement　there　would　be。　　He　could　not　help　again　and　again　expressing　his　astonishment　at　finding　that　our　intimacy　had　continued　unimpaired　up　to　so　late　a　period　after　he　came；　and　when　they　were　on　the　most　intimate　footing。　　She　used　to　deny　positively　to　him　that　there　was　anything　between　us；　just　as　she　used　to　assure　me　with　impenetrable　effrontery　that　〃Mr。　C　was　nothing　to　her；　but　merely　a　lodger。〃　　All　this　while　she　kept　up　the　farce　of　her　romantic　attachment　to　her　old　lover；　vowed　that　she　never　could　alter　in　that　respect；　let　me　go　to　Scotland　on　the　solemn　and　repeated　assurance　that　there　was　no　new　flame；　that　there　was　no　bar　between　us　but　this　shadowy　loveI　leave　her　on　this　understanding；　she　becomes　more　fond　or　more　intimate　with　her　new　lover；　he　quitting　the　house　（whether　tired　out　or　not；　I　can't　say）in　revenge　she　ceases　to　write　to　me；　keeps　me　in　wretched　suspense；　treats　me　like　something　loathsome　to　her　when　I　return　to　enquire　the　cause；　denies　it　with　scorn　and　impudence；　destroys　me　and　shews　no　pity；　no　desire　to　soothe　or　shorten　the　pangs　she　has　occasioned　by　her　wantonness　and　hypocrisy；　and　wishes　to　linger　the　affair　on　to　the　last　moment；　going　out　to　keep　an　appointment　with　another　while　she　pretends　to　be　obliging　me　in　the　tenderest　point　（which　C　himself　said　was　too　much）。　。　。　。What　do　you　think　of　all　this？　　Shall　I　tell　you　my　opinion？　　But　I　must　try　to　do　it　in　another　letter。



TO　THE　SAME




（In　conclusion）


I　did　not　sleep　a　wink　all　that　night；　nor　did　I　know　till　the　next　day　the　full　meaning　of　what　had　happened　to　me。　　With　the　morning's　light；　conviction　glared　in　upon　me　that　I　had　not　only　lost　her　for　everbut　every　feeling　I　had　ever　had　towards　herrespect；　tenderness；　pityall　but　my　fatal　passion；　was　gone。　　The　whole　was　a　mockery；　a　frightful　illusion。　　I　had　embraced　the　false　Florimel　instead　of　the　true；　or　was　like　the　man　in　the　Arabian　Nights　who　had　married　a　GOUL。　　How　different　was　the　idea　I　once　had　of　her？　　Was　this　she；


〃Who　had　been　beguiledshe　who　was　made　Within　a　gentle　bosom　to　be　laid　To　bless　and　to　be　blessedto　be　heart…bare　To　one　who　found　his　bettered　likeness　there　To　think　for　ever　with　him；　like　a　bride　To　haunt　his　eye；　like　taste　personified　To　double　his　delight；　to　share　his　sorrow；　And　like　a　morning　beam；　wake　to　him　every　morrow？


I　saw　her　pale；　cold　form　glide　silent　by　me；　dead　to　shame　as　to　pity。　　Still　I　seemed　to　clasp　this　piece　of　witchcraft　to　my　bosom；　this　lifeless　image；　which　was　all　that　was　left　of　my　love；　was　the　only　thing　to　which　my　sad　heart　clung。　　Were　she　dead；　should　I　not　wish　to　gaze　once　more　upon　her　pallid　features？　　She　is　dead　to　me；　but　what　she　once　was　to　me；　can　never　die！　　The　agony；　the　conflict　of　hope　and　fear；　of　adoration　and　jealousy　is　over；　or　it　would；　ere　long；　have　ended　with　my　life。　　I　am　no　more　lifted　now　to　Heaven；　and　then　plunged　in　the　abyss；　but　I　seem　to　have　been　thrown　from　the　top　of　a　precipice；　and　to　lie　groveling；　stunned；　and　stupefied。　　I　am　melancholy；　lonesome；　and　weaker　than　a　child。　　The　worst　is；　I　have　no　prospect　of　any　alteration　for　the　better：　she　has　cut　off　all　possibility　of　a　reconcilement　at　any　future　period。　　Were　she　even　to　return　to　her　former　pretended　fondness　and　endearments；　I　could　have　no　pleasure；　no　confidence　in　them。　　I　can　scarce　make　out　the　contradiction　to　myself。　　I　strive　to　think　she　always　was　what　I　now　know　she　is；　but　I　have　great　difficulty　in　it；　and　can　hardly　believe　but　she　still　IS　what　she　so　long　SEEMED。　　Poor　thing！　　I　am　afraid　she　is　little　better　off　herself；　nor　do　I　see　what　is　to　become　of　her；　unless　she　throws　off　the　mask　at　once；　and　RUNS　A…MUCK　at　infamy。　　She　is　exposed　and　laid　bare　to　all　those　whose　opinion　she　set　a　value　upon。　　Yet　she　held　her　head　very　high；　and　must　feel　（if　she　feels　any　thing）　proportionably　mortified。A　more　complete　experiment　on　character　was　never　made。　　If　I　had　not　met　her　lover　immediately　after　I　parted　with　her；　it　would　have　been　nothing。　　I　might　have　supposed　she　had　changed　her　mind　in　my　absence；　and　had　given　him　the　preference　as　soon　as　she　felt　it；　and　even　shewn　her　delicacy　in　declining　any　farther　intimacy　with　me。　　But　it　comes　out　that　she　had　gone　on　in　the　most　forward　and　familiar　way　with　both　at　once（she　could　not　change　her　mind　in　passing　from　one　room　to　another）told　both　the　same　barefaced　and　unblushing　falsehoods；　like　the　commonest　creature；　received　presents　from　me　to　the　very　last；　and　wished　to　keep　up　the　game　still　longer；　either　to　gratify　her　humour；　her　avarice；　or　her　vanity　in　playing　with　my　passion；　or　to　have　me　as　a　dernier　resort；　in　case　of　accidents。　　Again；　it　would　have　been　nothing；　if　she　had　not　come　up　with　her　demure；　w