liber amoris-第6部分

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　that　never　quits　me。　　The　steam…boat　（which　I　foolishly　ventured　on　board）　seems　a　prison…house；　a　sort　of　spectre…ship；　moving　on　through　an　infernal　lake；　without　wind　or　tide；　by　some　necromantic　powerthe　splashing　of　the　waves；　the　noise　of　the　engine　gives　me　no　rest；　night　or　dayno　tree；　no　natural　object　varies　the　scenebut　the　abyss　is　before　me；　and　all　my　peace　lies　weltering　in　it！　　I　feel　the　eternity　of　punishment　in　this　life；　for　I　see　no　end　of　my　woes。　　The　people　about　me　are　ill；　uncomfortable；　wretched　enough；　many　of　thembut　to…morrow　or　next　day；　they　reach　the　place　of　their　destination；　and　all　will　be　new　and　delightful。　　To　me　it　will　be　the　same。　　I　can　neither　escape　from　her；　nor　from　myself。　　All　is　endurable　where　there　is　a　limit：　but　I　have　nothing　but　the　blackness　and　the　fiendishness　of　scorn　around　memocked　by　her　（the　false　one）　in　whom　I　placed　my　hope；　and　who　hardens　herself　against　me！I　believe　you　thought　me　quite　gay；　vain；　insolent；　half　mad；　the　night　I　left　the　houseno　tongue　can　tell　the　heaviness　of　heart　I　felt　at　that　moment。　　No　footsteps　ever　fell　more　slow；　more　sad　than　mine；　for　every　step　bore　me　farther　from　her；　with　whom　my　soul　and　every　thought　lingered。　　I　had　parted　with　her　in　anger；　and　each　had　spoken　words　of　high　disdain；　not　soon　to　be　forgiven。　　Should　I　ever　behold　her　again？　　Where　go　to　live　and　die　far　from　her？　　In　her　sight　there　was　Elysium；　her　smile　was　heaven；　her　voice　was　enchantment；　the　air　of　love　waved　round　her；　breathing　balm　into　my　heart：　for　a　little　while　I　had　sat　with　the　Gods　at　their　golden　tables；　I　had　tasted　of　all　earth's　bliss；　〃both　living　and　loving！〃　　But　now　Paradise　barred　its　doors　against　me；　I　was　driven　from　her　presence；　where　rosy　blushes　and　delicious　sighs　and　all　soft　wishes　dwelt；　the　outcast　of　nature　and　the　scoff　of　love！　　I　thought　of　the　time　when　I　was　a　little　happy　careless　child；　of　my　father's　house；　of　my　early　lessons；　of　my　brother's　picture　of　me　when　a　boy；　of　all　that　had　since　happened　to　me；　and　of　the　waste　of　years　to　comeI　stopped；　faultered；　and　was　going　to　turn　back　once　more　to　make　a　longer　truce　with　wretchedness　and　patch　up　a　hollow　league　with　love；　when　the　recollection　of　her　words〃I　always　told　you　I　had　no　affection　for　you〃steeled　my　resolution；　and　I　determined　to　proceed。　　You　see　by　this　she　always　hated　me；　and　only　played　with　my　credulity　till　she　could　find　some　one　to　supply　the　place　of　her　unalterable　attachment　to　THE　LITTLE　IMAGE。　*　*　*　*　*　I　am　a　little；　a　very　little　better　to…day。　　Would　it　were　quietly　over；　and　that　this　misshapen　form　（made　to　be　mocked）　were　hid　out　of　the　sight　of　cold；　sullen　eyes！　　The　people　about　me　even　take　notice　of　my　dumb　despair；　and　pity　me。　　What　is　to　be　done？　　I　cannot　forget　HER；　and　I　can　find　no　other　like　what　SHE　SEEMED。　　I　should　wish　you　to　call；　if　you　can　make　an　excuse；　and　see　whether　or　no　she　is　quite　marblewhether　I　may　go　back　again　at　my　return；　and　whether　she　will　see　me　and　talk　to　me　sometimes　as　an　old　friend。　　Suppose　you　were　to　call　on　M　from　me；　and　ask　him　what　his　impression　is　that　I　ought　to　do。　　But　do　as　you　think　best。　　Pardon；　pardon。

P。S。I　send　this　from　Scarborough；　where　the　vessel　stops　for　a　few　minutes。　　I　scarcely　know　what　I　should　have　done；　but　for　this　relief　to　my　feelings。



LETTER　VII





My　dear　Friend；　The　important　step　is　taken；　and　I　am　virtually　a　free　man。　*　*　*　What　had　I　better　do　in　these　circumstances？　　I　dare　not　write　to　her；　I　dare　not　write　to　her　father；　or　else　I　would。　　She　has　shot　me　through　with　poisoned　arrows；　and　I　think　another　〃winged　wound　〃　would　finish　me。　　It　is　a　pleasant　sort　of　balm　（as　you　express　it）　she　has　left　in　my　heart！　　One　thing　I　agree　with　you　in；　it　will　remain　there　for　ever；　but　yet　not　very　long。　　It　festers；　and　consumes　me。　　If　it　were　not　for　my　little　boy；　whose　face　I　see　struck　blank　at　the　news；　looking　through　the　world　for　pity　and　meeting　with　contempt　instead；　I　should　soon；　I　fear；　settle　the　question　by　my　death。　　That　recollection　is　the　only　thought　that　brings　my　wandering　reason　to　an　anchor；　that　stirs　the　smallest　interest　in　me；　or　gives　me　fortitude　to　bear　up　against　what　I　am　doomed　to　feel　for　the　ungrateful。　　Otherwise；　I　am　dead　to　every　thing　but　the　sense　of　what　I　have　lost。　　She　was　my　lifeit　is　gone　from　me；　and　I　am　grown　spectral！　　If　I　find　myself　in　a　place　I　am　acquainted　with；　it　reminds　me　of　her；　of　the　way　in　which　I　thought　of　her；


〃and　carved　on　every　tree　The　soft；　the　fair；　the　inexpressive　she！〃


If　it　is　a　place　that　is　new　to　me；　it　is　desolate；　barren　of　all　interest；　for　nothing　touches　me　but　what　has　a　reference　to　her。　　If　the　clock　strikes；　the　sound　jars　me；　a　million　of　hours　will　not　bring　back　peace　to　my　breast。　　The　light　startles　me；　the　darkness　terrifies　me。　　I　seem　falling　into　a　pit；　without　a　hand　to　help　me。　　She　has　deceived　me；　and　the　earth　fails　from　under　my　feet；　no　object　in　nature　is　substantial；　real；　but　false　and　hollow；　like　her　faith　on　which　I　built　my　trust。　　She　came　（I　knew　not　how）　and　sat　by　my　side　and　was　folded　in　my　arms；　a　vision　of　love　and　joy；　as　if　she　had　dropped　from　the　Heavens　to　bless　me　by　some　especial　dispensation　of　a　favouring　Providence；　and　make　me　amends　for　all；　and　now　without　any　fault　of　mine　but　too　much　fondness；　she　has　vanished　from　me；　and　I　am　left　to　perish。　　My　heart　is　torn　out　of　me；　with　every　feeling　for　which　I　wished　to　live。　　The　whole　is　like　a　dream；　an　effect　of　enchantment；　it　torments　me；　and　it　drives　me　mad。　　I　lie　down　with　it；　I　rise　up　with　it；　and　see　no　chance　of　repose。　　I　grasp　at　a　shadow；　I　try　to　undo　the　past；　and　weep　with　rage　and　pity　over　my　own　weakness　and　misery。　　I　spared　her　again　and　again　（fool　that　I　was）　thinking　what　she　allowed　from　me　was　love；　friendship；　sweetness；　not　wantonness。　　How　could　I　doubt　it；　looking　in　her　face；　and　hearing　her　words；　like　sighs　breathed　from　the　gentlest　of　all　bosoms？　　I　had　hopes；　I　had　prospects　to　come；　the　flattery　of　something　like　fame；　a　pleasure　in　writing；　health　even　would　have　come　back　with　her　smileshe　has　blighted　all；　turned　all　to　poison　and　childish　tears。　　Yet　the　barbed　arrow　is　in　my　heartI　can　neither　endure　it；　nor　draw　it　out；　for　with　it　flows　my　life's…blood。　　I　had　conversed　too　long　with　abstracted　truth　to　trust　myself　with　the　immortal　thoughts　of　love。　　THAT　S。　L。　MIGHT　HAVE　BEEN　MINE；　AND　NOW　NEVER　CANthese　are　the　two　sole　propositions　that　for　ever　stare　me　in　the　face；　and　look　ghastly　in　at　my　poor　brain。　　I　am　in　some　sense　proud　that　I　can　feel　this　dreadful　passionit　gives　me　a　kind　of　rank　in　the　kingdom　of　lovebut　I　could　have　wished　it　had　been　for　an　object　that　at　least　could　have　understood　its　value　and　pitied　its　excess。　　You　say　her　not　coming　to　the　door　when　you　went　is　a　proofyes；　that　her　complement　is　at　present　full！　　That　is　the　reason　she　doesn't　want　me　there；　lest　I　should　discover　the　new　affairwretch　that　I　am！　　Another　has　possession　of　her；　oh　Hell！　　I'm　satisfied　of　it　from　her　manner；　which　had　a　wanton　insolence　in　it。　　Well　might　I　run　wild　when　I　received　no　letters　from　her。　　I　foresaw；　I　felt　my　fate。　　The　gates　of　Paradise　were　once　open　to　me　too；　and　I　blushed　to　enter　but　with　the　golden　keys　of　love！　　I　would　die；　but　her　lovermy　love　of　herought　not　to　die。　　When　I　am　dead；　who　will　love　her　as　I　have　done？　　If　she　should　be　in　misfortune；　who　will　comfort　her？　　when　she　is　old；　who　will　look　in　her　face；　and　bless　her？　　Would　there　be　any　harm　in　calling　upon　M；　to　know　confidentially　if　he　thinks　it　worth　my　while　to　make　her　an　offer　the　instant　it　is　in　my　power？　　Let　me　have　an　answer；　and　save　me；　if　possible；　FOR　her　and　FROM　myself。



LETTER　VIII





My　dear　Friend；　Your　letter　raised　me　for　a　moment　from　the　depths　of　despair；　but　not　hearing　from　you　yesterday　or　to…day　（as　I　hoped）　I　have　had　a　relapse。　　You　say　I　want　to　get　rid　of　her。　　I　hope　you　are　more　right　in　your　conjectures　about　her　than　in　this　about　me。　　Oh　no！　believe　it；　I　love　her　as　I　do　my　own　soul；　my　very　heart　is　wedded　to　her　（be　she　what　she　may）　and　I　would　not　hesitate　a　moment　between　her　and　〃an　angel　from　Heaven。〃　　I　grant　all　you　say　about　my　self…tormenting　folly：　but　has　it　been　without　cause？　　Has　she　not　refused　me　again　and　again　with　a　mixture　of　scorn　and　resentment；　after　going　the　utmost　lengths　with　a　man　for　whom　she　now　disclaims　all　affection；　and　what　security　can　I　have　for　her　reserve　with　others；　who　will　not　be　restrained　by　feelings　of　delicacy　towards　her；　and　whom　she　has　probably　preferred　to　me　for　their　want　of　it。　　〃SHE　CAN　MAKE　NO　MORE　CONFIDENCES〃these　words　ring　for　ever　in　my　ears；　and　will　be　my　death…watch。　　They　can　have　but　one　meaning；　be　sure　of　itshe　always　expressed　herself　with　the　exactest　propriety。　　That　was　one　of　the　things　for　which　I　loved　hershall　I　live　to　hate　her　for　it？　　My　poor　fond　heart；　that　brooded　over　her　and　the　remains　of　her　affections　as　my　only　hope　of　comfort　upon　earth；　cannot　brook　this　new　degradation。　　Who　is　there　so　low　as　me？　　Who　is　there　besides　（I　ask）　after　the　homage　I　have　paid　her　and　the　caresses　she　has　lavished　on　me；　so　vile；　so　abhorrent　to　love；　to　whom　such　an　indignity　could　have　happened？　　When　I　think　of　this　（and　I　think　of　nothing　else）　it　stifles　me。　　I　am　pent　up　in　burning；　fruitless　desires；　which　can　find　no　vent　or　object。　　Am　I　not　hated；　repulsed；　derided　by　her　whom　alone　I　love　or　ever　did　love？　　I　cannot　stay　in　any　place；　and　seek　in　vain　for　relief　from　the　sense　of　her　contempt　and　her　ingratitude。　　I　can　settle　to　nothing：　what　is　the　use　of　all　I　have　done？　　Is　it　not　that　very　circumstance　（my　thinking　beyond　my　strength；　my　feeling　more　than　I　need　about　so　many　things）　that　has　withered　me　up；　and　made　me　a　thing　for　Love　to　shrink　from　and　wonder　at？　　Who　could　ever　feel　that　peace　from　the　touch　of　her　dear　hand　that　I　have　done；　and　is　it　not　torn　from　me　for　ever？　　My　state　is　this；　that　I　shall　never　lie　down　again　at　night　nor　rise　up　in　the　morning　in　peace；　nor　ever　behold　my　little　boy's　face　with　pleasure　while　I　liveunless　I　am　restored　to　her　f