liber amoris-第8部分

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d　shall　I　not　follow　its　bidding？　　No；　I　must　wait　till　I　am　free；　and　then　I　will　take　my　Freedom　（a　glad　prize）　and　lay　it　at　her　feet　and　tell　her　my　proud　love　of　her　that　would　not　brook　a　rival　in　her　dishonour；　and　that　would　have　her　all　or　none；　and　gain　her　or　lose　myself　for　ever！

You　see　by　this　letter　the　way　I　am　in；　and　I　hope　you　will　excuse　it　as　the　picture　of　a　half…disordered　mind。　　The　least　respite　from　my　uneasiness　（such　as　I　had　yesterday）　only　brings　the　contrary　reflection　back　upon　me；　like　a　flood；　and　by　letting　me　see　the　happiness　I　have　lost；　makes　me　feel；　by　contrast；　more　acutely　what　I　am　doomed　to　bear。



LETTER　X





Dear　Friend；　Here　I　am　at　St。　Bees　once　more；　amid　the　scenes　which　I　greeted　in　their　barrenness　in　winter；　but　which　have　now　put　on　their　full　green　attire　that　shews　luxuriant　to　the　eye；　but　speaks　a　tale　of　sadness　to　this　heart　widowed　of　its　last；　its　dearest；　its　only　hope！　　Oh！　lovely　Bees…Inn！　here　I　composed　a　volume　of　law…cases；　here　I　wrote　my　enamoured　follies　to　her；　thinking　her　human；　and　that　〃all　below　was　not　the　fiend's〃here　I　got　two　cold；　sullen　answers　from　the　little　witch；　and　here　I　was　…　and　I　was　damned。　　I　thought　the　revisiting　the　old　haunts　would　have　soothed　me　for　a　time；　but　it　only　brings　back　the　sense　of　what　I　have　suffered　for　her　and　of　her　unkindness　the　more　strongly；　till　I　cannot　endure　the　recollection。　　I　eye　the　Heavens　in　dumb　despair；　or　vent　my　sorrows　in　the　desart　air。　　〃To　the　winds；　to　the　waves；　to　the　rocks　I　complain〃you　may　suppose　with　what　effect！　　I　fear　I　shall　be　obliged　to　return。　　I　am　tossed　about　（backwards　and　forwards）　by　my　passion；　so　as　to　become　ridiculous。　　I　can　now　understand　how　it　is　that　mad　people　never　remain　in　the　same　placethey　are　moving　on　for　ever；　FROM　THEMSELVES！

Do　you　know；　you　would　have　been　delighted　with　the　effect　of　the　Northern　twilight　on　this　romantic　country　as　I　rode　along　last　night？　　The　hills　and　groves　and　herds　of　cattle　were　seen　reposing　in　the　grey　dawn　of　midnight；　as　in　a　moonlight　without　shadow。　　The　whole　wide　canopy　of　Heaven　shed　its　reflex　light　upon　them；　like　a　pure　crystal　mirror。　　No　sharp　points；　no　petty　details；　no　hard　contrastsevery　object　was　seen　softened　yet　distinct；　in　its　simple　outline　and　natural　tones；　transparent　with　an　inward　light；　breathing　its　own　mild　lustre。　　The　landscape　altogether　was　like　an　airy　piece　of　mosaic…work；　or　like　one　of　Poussin's　broad　massy　landscapes　or　Titian's　lovely　pastoral　scenes。　　Is　it　not　so；　that　poets　see　nature；　veiled　to　the　sight；　but　revealed　to　the　soul　in　visionary　grace　and　grandeur！　　I　confess　the　sight　touched　me；　and　might　have　removed　all　sadness　except　mine。　　So　（I　thought）　the　light　of　her　celestial　face　once　shone　into　my　soul；　and　wrapt　me　in　a　heavenly　trance。　　The　sense　I　have　of　beauty　raises　me　for　a　moment　above　myself；　but　depresses　me　the　more　afterwards；　when　I　recollect　how　it　is　thrown　away　in　vain　admiration；　and　that　it　only　makes　me　more　susceptible　of　pain　from　the　mortifications　I　meet　with。　　Would　I　had　never　seen　her！　　I　might　then　not　indeed　have　been　happy；　but　at　least　I　might　have　passed　my　life　in　peace；　and　have　sunk　into　forgetfulness　without　a　pang。The　noble　scenery　in　this　country　mixes　with　my　passion；　and　refines；　but　does　not　relieve　it。　　I　was　at　Stirling　Castle　not　long　ago。　　It　gave　me　no　pleasure。　　The　declivity　seemed　to　me　abrupt；　not　sublime；　for　in　truth　I　did　not　shrink　back　from　it　with　terror。　　The　weather…beaten　towers　were　stiff　and　formal：　the　air　was　damp　and　chill：　the　river　winded　its　dull；　slimy　way　like　a　snake　along　the　marshy　grounds：　and　the　dim　misty　tops　of　Ben　Leddi；　and　the　lovely　Highlands　（woven　fantastically　of　thin　air）　mocked　my　embraces　and　tempted　my　longing　eyes　like　her；　the　sole　queen　and　mistress　of　my　thoughts！　　I　never　found　my　contemplations　on　this　subject　so　subtilised　and　at　the　same　time　so　desponding　as　on　that　occasion。　　I　wept　myself　almost　blind；　and　I　gazed　at　the　broad　golden　sunset　through　my　tears　that　fell　in　showers。　　As　I　trod　the　green　mountain　turf；　oh！　how　I　wished　to　be　laid　beneath　itin　one　grave　with　herthat　I　might　sleep　with　her　in　that　cold　bed；　my　hand　in　hers；　and　my　heart　for　ever　stillwhile　worms　should　taste　her　sweet　body；　that　I　had　never　tasted！　　There　was　a　time　when　I　could　bear　solitude；　but　it　is　too　much　for　me　at　present。　　Now　I　am　no　sooner　left　to　myself　than　I　am　lost　in　infinite　space；　and　look　round　me　in　vain　for　suppose　or　comfort。　　She　was　my　stay；　my　hope：　without　her　hand　to　cling　to；　I　stagger　like　an　infant　on　the　edge　of　a　precipice。　　The　universe　without　her　is　one　wide；　hollow　abyss；　in　which　my　harassed　thoughts　can　find　no　resting…place。　　I　must　break　off　here；　for　the　hysterica　passio　comes　upon　me；　and　threatens　to　unhinge　my　reason。



LETTER　XI





My　dear　and　good　Friend；　I　am　afraid　I　trouble　you　with　my　querulous　epistles；　but　this　is　probably　the　last。　　To…morrow　or　the　next　day　decides　my　fate　with　respect　to　the　divorce；　when　I　expect　to　be　a　free　man。　　In　vain！　　Was　it　not　for　her　and　to　lay　my　freedom　at　her　feet；　that　I　consented　to　this　step　which　has　cost　me　infinite　perplexity；　and　now　to　be　discarded　for　the　first　pretender　that　came　in　her　way！　　If　so；　I　hardly　think　I　can　survive　it。　　You　who　have　been　a　favourite　with　women；　do　not　know　what　it　is　to　be　deprived　of　one's　only　hope；　and　to　have　it　turned　to　shame　and　disappointment。　　There　is　nothing　in　the　world　left　that　can　afford　me　one　drop　of　comfortTHIS　I　feel　more　and　more。　　Everything　is　to　me　a　mockery　of　pleasure；　like　her　love。　　The　breeze　does　not　cool　me：　the　blue　sky　does　not　cheer　me。　　I　gaze　only　on　her　face　averted　from　mealas！　the　only　face　that　ever　was　turned　fondly　to　me！　　And　why　am　I　thus　treated？　　Because　I　wanted　her　to　be　mine　for　ever　in　love　or　friendship；　and　did　not　push　my　gross　familiarities　as　far　as　I　might。　　〃Why　can　you　not　go　on　as　we　have　done；　and　say　nothing　about　the　word；　FOREVER？〃　　Was　it　not　plain　from　this　that　she　even　then　meditated　an　escape　from　me　to　some　less　sentimental　lover？　　〃Do　you　allow　anyone　else　to　do　so？〃　I　said　to　her　once；　as　I　was　toying　with　her。　　〃No；　not　now！〃　was　her　answer；　that　is；　because　there　was　nobody　else　in　the　house　to　take　freedoms　with　her。　　I　was　very　well　as　a　stopgap；　but　I　was　to　be　nothing　more。　　While　the　coast　was　clear；　I　had　it　all　my　own　way：　but　the　instant　C　came；　she　flung　herself　at　his　head　in　the　most　barefaced　way；　ran　breathless　up　stairs　before　him；　blushed　when　his　foot　was　heard；　watched　for　him　in　the　passage；　and　was　sure　to　be　in　close　conference　with　him　when　he　went　down　again。　　It　was　then　my　mad　proceedings　commenced。　　No　wonder。　　Had　I　not　reason　to　be　jealous　of　every　appearance　of　familiarity　with　others；　knowing　how　easy　she　had　been　with　me　at　first；　and　that　she　only　grew　shy　when　I　did　not　take　farther　liberties？　　What　has　her　character　to　rest　upon　but　her　attachment　to　me；　which　she　now　denies；　not　modestly；　but　impudently？　　Will　you　yourself　say　that　if　she　had　all　along　no　particular　regard　for　me；　she　will　not　do　as　much　or　more　with　other　more　likely　men？　　〃She　has　had；〃　she　says；　〃enough　of　my　conversation；〃　so　it　could　not　be　that！　　Ah！　my　friend；　it　was　not　to　be　supposed　I　should　ever　meet　even　with　the　outward　demonstrations　of　regard　from　any　woman　but　a　common　trader　in　the　endearments　of　love！　　I　have　tasted　the　sweets　of　the　well　practiced　illusion；　and　now　feel　the　bitterness　of　knowing　what　a　bliss　I　am　deprived　of；　and　must　ever　be　deprived　of。　　Intolerable　conviction！　　Yet　I　might；　I　believe；　have　won　her　by　other　methods；　but　some　demon　held　my　hand。　　How　indeed　could　I　offer　her　the　least　insult　when　I　worshipped　her　very　footsteps；　and　even　now　pay　her　divine　honours　from　my　inmost　heart；　whenever　I　think　of　her；　abased　and　brutalised　as　I　have　been　by　that　Circean　cup　of　kisses；　of　enchantments；　of　which　I　have　drunk！　　I　am　choked；　withered；　dried　up　with　chagrin；　remorse；　despair；　from　which　I　have　not　a　moment's　respite；　day　or　night。　　I　have　always　some　horrid　dream　about　her；　and　wake　wondering　what　is　the　matter　that　〃she　is　no　longer　the　same　to　me　as　ever？〃　　I　thought　at　least　we　should　always　remain　dear　friends；　if　nothing　moredid　she　not　talk　of　coming　to　live　with　me　only　the　day　before　I　left　her　in　the　winter？　　But　〃she's　gone；　I　am　abused；　and　my　revenge　must　be　to　LOVE　her！〃Yet　she　knows　that　one　line；　one　word　would　save　me；　the　cruel；　heartless　destroyer！　　I　see　nothing　for　it　but　madness；　unless　Friday　brings　a　change；　or　unless　she　is　willing　to　let　me　go　back。　　You　must　know　I　wrote　to　her　to　that　purpose；　but　it　was　a　very　quiet；　sober　letter；　begging　pardon；　and　professing　reform　for　the　future；　and　all　that。　　What　effect　it　will　have；　I　know　not。　　I　was　forced　to　get　out　of　the　way　of　her　answer；　till　Friday　came。

Ever　yours。



TO　S。　L。





My　dear　Miss　L；　EVIL　TO　THEM　THAT　EVIL　THINK；　is　an　old　saying；　and　I　have　found　it　a　true　one。　　I　have　ruined　myself　by　my　unjust　suspicions　of　you。　　Your　sweet　friendship　was　the　balm　of　my　life；　and　I　have　lost　it；　I　fear　for　ever；　by　one　fault　and　folly　after　another。　　What　would　I　give　to　be　restored　to　the　place　in　your　esteem；　which；　you　assured　me；　I　held　only　a　few　months　ago！　　Yet　I　was　not　contented；　but　did　all　I　could　to　torment　myself　and　harass　you　by　endless　doubts　and　jealousy。　　Can　you　not　forget　and　forgive　the　past；　and　judge　of　me　by　my　conduct　in　future？　　Can　you　not　take　all　my　follies　in　the　lump；　and　say　like　a　good；　generous　girl；　〃Well；　I'll　think　no　more　of　them？〃　　In　a　word；　may　I　come　back；　and　try　to　behave　better？　　A　line　to　say　so　would　be　an　additional　favour　to　so　many　already　received　by

Your　obliged　friend；

And　sincere　well…wisher。



LETTER　XII。　　TO　C。　P





I　have　no　answer　from　her。　　I'm　mad。　　I　wish　you　to　call　on　M　in　confidence；　to　say　I　intend　to　make　her　an　offer　of　my　hand；　and　that　I　will　write　to　her　father　to　that　effect　the　instant　I　am　free；　and　ask　him　whether　he　thinks　it　will　be　to　any　purpose；　and　what　he　would　advise　me　to　do。



UNALTERED　LOVE





〃Love　is　not　love　that　alteration　finds：　Oh