the enchanted typewriter-第2部分

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at　the　moment　determine。　For　two　or　three　minutes　I　gazed　in

open…mouthed　wonder。　I　was　not　frightened；　but　I　did　experience

a　sensation　which　comes　from　contact　with　the　uncanny。　As　I

gradually　grasped　the　situation　and　became　used；　somewhat；

to　what　was　going　on；　I　ventured　a　remark。



〃This　beats　the　deuce！〃　I　observed。



The　machine　stopped　for　an　instant。　The　sheet　of　paper　upon

which　the　impressions　of　letters　were　being　made　flew　out

from　under　the　cylinder；　a　pure　white　sheet　was　as　quickly

substituted；　and　the　keys　clicked　off　the　line：



〃What　does？〃



I　presumed　the　line　was　in　response　to　my　assertion；　so

I　replied：



〃You　do。　What　uncanny　freak　has　taken　possession　of　you　to…night

that　you　start　in　to　write　on　your　own　hook；　having　resolutely

declined　to　do　any　writing　for　me　ever　since　I　rescued　you

from　the　dust　and　dirt　and　cobwebs　of　the　attic？〃



〃You　never　rescued　me　from　any　attic；〃　the　machine

replied。　〃You'd　better　go　to　bed；　you've　dined　too　well；

I　imagine。　When　did　you　rescue　me　from　the　dust　and　dirt　and

the　cobwebs　of　any　attic？〃



〃What　an　ungrateful　machine　you　are！〃　I　cried。　〃If　you　have

sense　enough　to　go　into　writing　on　your　own　account；　you　ought

to　have　mind　enough　to　remember　the　years　you　spent　up…stairs

under　the　roof　neglected；　and　covered　with　hammocks；　awnings；

family　portraits；　and　receipted　bills。〃



〃Really；　my　dear　fellow；〃　the　machine　tapped　back；　〃I　must

repeat　it。　Bed　is　the　place　for　you。　You're　not　coherent。　I'm

not　a　machine；　and　upon　my　honor；　I've　never　seen　your　darned

old　attic。〃



〃Not　a　machine！〃　I　cried。　〃Then　what　in　Heaven's　name　are　you？

a　sofa…cushion？〃



〃Don't　be　sarcastic；　my　dear　fellow；〃　replied　the　machine。　〃Of

course　I'm　not　a　machine；　I'm　JimJim　Boswell。〃



〃What？〃　I　roared。　〃You？　A　thing　with　keys　and　type　and　a　bell〃



〃I　haven't　got　any　keys　or　any　type　or　a　bell。　What　on　earth

are　you　talking　about？〃　replied　the　machine。　〃What　have　you

been　eating？〃



〃What's　that？〃　I　asked；　putting　my　hand　on　the　keys。



〃That's　keys；〃　was　the　answer。



〃And　these；　and　that？〃　I　added；　indicating　the　type　and

the　bell。



〃Type　and　bell；〃　replied　the　machine。



〃And　yet　you　say　you　haven't　got　them；〃　I　persisted。



〃No；　I　haven't。　The　machine　has　got　them；　not　I；〃　was　the

response。　　〃I'm　not　the　machine。　I'm　the　man　that's　using

itJimJim　Boswell。　　What　good　would　a　bell　do　me？　I'm　not　a

cow　or　a　bicycle。　I'm　the　editor　of　the　Stygian　Gazette；　and

I've　come　here　to　copy　off　my　notes　of　what　I　see　and　hear；

and　besides　all　this　I　do　type…writing　for　various　people　in

Hades；　and　as　this　machine　of　yours　seemed　to　be　of　no　use　to

you　I　thought　I'd　try　it。　But　if　you　object；　Ill　go。〃



As　I　read　these　lines　upon　the　paper　I　stood　amazed　and

delighted。



〃Go！〃　I　cried；　as　the　full　value　of　his　patronage　of　my　machine

dawned　upon　me；　for　I　could　sell　his　copy　and　he　would　be　none

the　worse　off；　for；　as　I　understand　the　copyright　laws；　they

are　not　designed　to　benefit　authors；　but　for　the　protection

of　type…setters。　　〃Why；　my　dear　fellow；　it　would　break　my

heart　if；　having　found　my　machine　to　your　taste；　you　should

ever　think　of　using　another。　I'll　lend　you　my　bicycle；　too；

if　you'd　like　itin　fact；　anything　I　have　is　at　your　command。〃



〃Thank　you　very　much；〃　returned　Boswell　through　the　medium　of

the　keys；　as　usual。　〃I　shall　not　need　your　bicycle；　but　this

machine　is　of　great　value　to　me。　It　has　several　very　remarkable

qualities　which　I　have　never　found　in　any　other　machine。　For

instance；　singular　to　relate；　Mendelssohn　and　I　were　fooling

about　here　the　other　night；　and　when　he　saw　this　machine　he

thought　it　was　a　spinet　of　some　new　pattern；　so　what　does　he　do

but　sit　down　and　play　me　one　of　his　songs　without　words　on　it；

and；　by　jove！　when　he　got　through；　there　was　the　theme　of　the

whole　thing　printed　on　a　sheet　of　paper　before　him。〃



〃You　don't　really　mean　to　say〃　I　began。



〃I'm　telling　you　precisely　what　happened；〃　said

Boswell。　〃Mendelssohn　was　tickled　to　death　with　it；　and　he

played　every　song　without　words　that　he　ever　wrote；　and　every

one　of　'em　was　fitted　with　words　which　he　said　absolutely

conveyed　the　ideas　he　meant　to　bring　out　with　the　music。　Then

I　tried　the　machine；　and　discovered　another　curious　thing　about

it。　It's　intensely　American。　I　had　a　story　of　Alexander　Dumas'

about　his　Musketeers　that　he　wanted　translated　from　French　into

American；　which　is　the　language　we　speak　below；　in　preference

to　German；　French；　Volapuk；　or　English。　I　thought　I'd　copy

off　a　few　lines　of　the　French　original；　and　as　true　as　I'm

sitting　here　before　your　eyes；　where　you　can't　see　me；　the

copy　I　got　was　a　good；　though　rather　free；　translation。　Think

of　it！　That's　an　advanced　machine　for　you！〃



I　looked　at　the　machine　wistfully。　〃I　wish　I　could　make　it

work；〃　I　said；　and　I　tried　as　before　to　tap　off　my　name；　and

got　instead　only　a　confused　jumble　of　letters。　It　wouldn't

even　pay　me　the　compliment　of　transforming　my　name　into　that

of　Shakespeare；　as　it　had　previously　done。



It　was　thus　that　the　magic　qualities　of　the　machine　were　made

known　to　me；　and　out　of　it　the　following　papers　have　grown。　I

have　set　them　down　without　much　editing　or　alteration；　and　now

submit　them　to　your　inspection；　hoping　that　in　perusing　them

you　will　derive　as　much　satisfaction　and　delight　as　I　have　in

being　the　possessor　of　so　wonderful　a　machine；　manipulated　by

so　interesting　a　person　as　〃JimJim　Boswell〃as　he　always

calls　himselfand　others；　who；　as　you　will　note；　if　perchance

you　have　the　patience　to　read　further；　have　upon　occasions

honored　my　machine　by　using　it。



I　must　add　in　behalf　of　my　own　reputation　for　honesty　that

Mr。　Boswell　has　given　me　all　right；　title；　and　interest　in

these　papers　in　this　world　as　a　return　for　my　permission　to

him　to　use　my　machine。



〃What　if　they　make　a　hit　and　bring　in　barrels　of　gold　in

royalties；〃　he　said。　〃I　can't　take　it　back　with　me　where　I　live；

so　keep　it　yourself。〃









II



MR。　BOSWELL　IMPARTS　SOME　LATE　NEWS　OF　HADES









Boswell　was　a　little　late　in　arriving　the　next　night。　He　had

agreed　to　be　on　hand　exactly　at　midnight；　but　it　was　after

one　o'clock　before　the　machine　began　to　click　and　the　bell

to　ring。　I　had　fallen　asleep　in　the　soft　upholstered　depths

of　my　armchair；　feeling　pretty　thoroughly　worn　out　by　the

experiences　of　the　night　before；　which；　in　spite　of　their

pleasant　issue；　were　nevertheless　somewhat　disturbing　to　a

nervous　organization　like　mine。　Suddenly　I　waked；　and　with　the

awakening　there　entered　into　my　mind　the　notion　that　the　whole

thing　was　merely　a　dream；　and　that　in　the　end　it　would　be　the

better　for　me　if　I　were　to　give　up　Aldus　and　other　club　dinners

with　nightmare　inducing　menus。　But　I　was　soon　convinced　that　the

real　state　of　affairs　was　quite　otherwise；　and　that　everything

really　had　happened　as　I　have　already　related　it　to　you；　for

I　had　hardly　gotten　my　eyes　free　from　what　my　poetic　son　calls

〃the　seeds　of　sleep〃　when　I　heard　the　type…writer　tap　forth：



〃Hello；　old　man！〃



Incidentally　let　me　say　that　this　had　become　another　interesting

feature　of　the　machine。　Since　my　first　interview　with　Boswell

the　taps　seemed　to　speak；　and　if　some　one　were　sitting　before

it　and　writing　a　line　the　mere　differentiation　of　sounds　of　the

various　keys　would　convey　to　the　mind　the　ideas　conveyed　to　it

by　the　printed　words。　So；　as　I　say；　my　ears　were　greeted　with

a　clicking　〃Hello；　old　man！〃　followed　immediately　by　the　bell。



〃You　are　late；〃　said　I；　looking　at　my　watch。



〃I　know　it；〃　was　the　response。　〃But　I　can't　help　it。　During　the

campaign　I　am　kept　so　infernally　busy　I　hardly　know　where　I　am。〃



〃Campaign；　eh？〃　I　put　in。　〃Do　you　have　campaigns　in　Hades？〃



〃Yes；〃　replied　Boswell；　〃and　we　are　having　awell；　to　be

polite；　a　regular　Gehenna　of　a　time。　Things　have　changed

much　in　Hades　latterly。　There　has　been　a　great　growth　in　the

democratic　spirit　below；　and　his　Majesty　is　having　a　deuce

of　a　time　running　his　kingdom。　Washington　and　Cromwell　and

Caesar　have　had　the　nerve　to　demand　a　constitution　from　the

venerable　Nicholas〃



〃From　whom？〃　I　queried；　perplexed　somewhat；　for　I　was　not　yet

fully　awake。



〃Old　Nick；〃　replied　Boswell；　〃and　I　can　tell　you　there's　a

pretty　fight　on　between　the　supporters　of　the　administration

and　the　opposition。　Secure　in　his　power；　the　Grand　Master　of

Hades　has　been　somewhat　arbitrary；　and　he　has　made　the　mistake

of　doing　some　of　his　subjects　a　little　too　brown。　Take　the

case　of　Bonaparte；　for　instance：　the　government　has　ruled

that　he　was　personally　responsible　for　all　the　wars　of　Europe

from　1800　up　to　Waterloo；　and　it　was　proposed　to　hang　him

once　for　every　man　killed　on　either　side　throughout　that

period。　Bonaparte　naturally　resisted。　He　said　he　had　a　good

neck；　which　he　did　not　object　to　have　broken　three　or　four

times；　because　he　admitted　he　deserved　it；　but　when　it　came　to

hanging　him　five　or　six　million　times；　once　a　month；　for；　say；

five　million　months；　or　twelve　times　a　year　for　415；000　years；

he　didn't　like　it；　and　wouldn't　stand　it；　and　wanted　to　submit

the　question　to　arbitration。



〃Nicholas　observed　that　the　word　arbitration　was　not　in　his

especially　expurgated　dictionary；　whereupon　Bonaparte　remarked

that　he　wasn't　responsible　for　that；　that　he　thought　it　a

good　word　and　worthy　of　incorporation　in　any　dictionary　and

in　all　vocabularies。



〃'I　don't　care　what　you　think；'　retorted　his　Majesty。　'It's

what　I　don't　think　that　goes；'　and　he　commanded　his　imps

to　prepare　the　gallows　on　the　third　Thursday　of　each　month

for　Bonaparte's　expiation；　ordered　his　secretary　to　send

Bonaparte　a　type…written　notice　that　his　presence　on　each

occasion　was　expected；　and　gave　orders　to　the　police　to　see

that　he　was　there　willy…nill