the history of john bull-第17部分

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house　he　had　hardly　put　up　his　sign　when　he　began　to　debauch　my　best　customers　from　me。　　*Then　it　was　his　constant　practice　to　rob　my　fish…ponds；　not　only　to　feed　his　family；　but　to　trade　with　the　fishmongers。　　I　connived　at　the　fellow　till　he　began　to　tell　me　that　they　were　his　as　much　as　mine。　　In　my　manor　of　*Eastcheap；　because　it　lay　at　some　distance　from　my　constant　inspection；　he　broke　down　my　fences；　robbed　my　orchards；　and　beat　my　servants。

*　Complaints　against　the　Dutch　for　encroachment　in　trade；　fishery；　East　Indies；　etc。　　The　war　with　the　Dutch　on　these　accounts。

〃When　I　used　to　reprimand　him　for　his　tricks　he　would　talk　saucily；　lie；　and　brazen　it　out　as　if　he　had　done　nothing　amiss。　'Will　nothing　cure　thee　of　thy　pranks；　Nic。？'　quoth　I；　'I　shall　be　forced　some　time　or　other　to　chastise　thee。'　　The　rogue　got　up　his　cane　and　threatened　me；　and　was　well　thwacked　for　his　pains。　　But　I　think　his　behaviour　at　this　time　worst　of　all；　after　I　have　almost　drowned　myself　to　keep　his　head　above　water；　he　would　leave　me　sticking　in　the　mud；　trusting　to　his　goodness　to　help　me　out。　　After　I　have　beggared　myself　with　his　troublesome　lawsuit；　with　a　plague　to　him！　he　takes　it　in　mighty　dudgeon　because　I　have　brought　him　here　to　end　matters　amicably；　and　because　I　won't　let　him　make　me　over　by　deed　and　indenture　as　his　lawful　cully；　which　to　my　certain　knowledge　he　has　attempted　several　times。　　But；　after　all；　canst　thou　gather　grapes　from　thorns？　　Nic。　does　not　pretend　to　be　a　gentleman；　he　is　a　tradesman；　a　self…seeking　wretch。　　But　how　camest　thou　to　hear　all　this；　John？　　The　reason　is　plain；　thou　conferrest　the　benefits　and　he　receives　them；　the　first　produces　love；　and　the　last　ingratitude。　Ah　Nic。；　Nic。；　thou　art　a　damned　dog；　that's　certain；　thou　knowest　too　well　that　I　will　take　care　of　thee；　else　thou　wouldst　not　use　me　thus。　　I　won't　give　thee　up；　it　is　true；　but　as　true　as　it　is；　thou　shalt　not　sell　me；　according　to　thy　laudable　custom。〃　　While　John　was　deep　in　this　soliloquy　Nic。　broke　out　into　the　following　protestation：

〃Gentlemen；I　believe　everybody　here　present　will　allow　me　to　be　a　very　just　and　disinterested　person。　　My　friend　John　Bull　here　is　very　angry　with　me；　forsooth；　because　I　won't　agree　to　his　foolish　bargains。　　Now　I　declare　to　all　mankind　I　should　be　ready　to　sacrifice　my　own　concerns　to　his　quiet；　but　the　care　of　his　interest；　and　that　of　the　honest　tradesmen*　that　are　embarked　with　us；　keeps　me　from　entering　into　this　composition。　　What　shall　become　of　those　poor　creatures？　　The　thoughts　of　their　impending　ruin　disturb　my　night's　rest；　therefore　I　desire　they　may　speak　for　themselves。　　If　they　are　willing　to　give　up　this　affair；　I　sha'n't　make　two　words　of　it。〃

*　The　Allies。

John　Bull　begged　him　to　lay　aside　that　immoderate　concern　for　him；　and　withal　put　him　in　mind　that　the　interest　of　those　tradesmen　had　not　sat　quite　so　heavy　upon　him　some　years　ago　on　a　like　occasion。　Nic。　answered　little　to　that；　but　immediately　pulled　out　a　boatswain's　whistle。　　Upon　the　first　whiff　the　tradesmen　came　jumping　into　the　room；　and　began　to　surround　Lewis　like　so　many　yelping　curs　about　a　great　boar；　or；　to　use　a　modester　simile；　like　duns　at　a　great　lord's　levee　the　morning　he　goes　into　the　country。　One　pulled　him　by　his　sleeve；　another　by　the　skirt；　a　third　hallooed　in　the　ear。　　They　began　to　ask　him　for　all　that　had　been　taken　from　their　forefathers　by　stealth；　fraud；　force；　or　lawful　purchase。　Some　asked　for　manors；　others　for　acres　that　lay　convenient　for　them；　that　he　would　pull　down　his　fences；　level　his　ditches。　　All　agreed　in　one　common　demand　that　he　should　be　purged；　sweated；　vomited；　and　starved；　till　he　came　to　a　sizeable　bulk　like　that　of　his　neighbours。　　One　modestly　asked　him　leave　to　call　him　brother。　Nic。　Frog　demanded　two　thingsto　be　his　porter　and　his　fishmonger；　to　keep　the　keys　of　his　gates　and　furnish　the　kitchen。　　John's　sister　Peg　only　desired　that　he　would　let　his　servants　sing　psalms　a…Sundays。　　Some　descended　even　to　the　asking　of　old　clothes；　shoes　and　boots；　broken　bottles；　tobacco…pipes；　and　ends　of　candles。

〃Monsieur　Bull；〃　quoth　Lewis；　〃you　seem　to　be　a　man　of　some　breeding；　for　God's　sake　use　your　interest　with　these　Messieurs；　that　they　would　speak　but　one　at　once；　for　if　one　had　a　hundred　pair　of　hands；　and　as　many　tongues；　he　cannot　satisfy　them　all　at　this　rate。〃　　John　begged　they　might　proceed　with　some　method；　then　they　stopped　all　of　a　sudden　and　would　not　say　a　word。　　〃If　this　be　your　play；〃　quoth　John；　〃that　we　may　not　be　like　a　Quaker's　dumb　meeting；　let　us　begin　some　diversion；　what　d'ye　think　of　rouly…pouly　or　a　country　dance？　　What　if　we　should　have　a　match　at　football？　　I　am　sure　we　shall　never　end　matters　at　this　rate。〃



CHAPTER　XVI。　　How　John　Bull　and　Nic。　Frog　settled　their　Accounts。

JOHN　BULL。During　this　general　cessation　of　talk；　what　if　you　and　I；　Nic。；　should　inquire　how　money　matters　stand　between　us？

NIC。　FROG。With　all　my　heart；　I　love　exact　dealing。　　And　let　Hocus　audit；　he　knows　how　the　money　was　disbursed。

JOHN　BULL。I　am　not　much　for　that　at　present；　we'll　settle　it　between　ourselves。　　Fair　and　square；　Nic。；　keeps　friends　together。　There　have　been　laid　out　in　this　lawsuit；　at　one　time；　36；OOO　pounds　and　4O；OOO　crowns。　　In　some　cases　I；　in　others　you；　bear　the　greatest　proportion。

NIC　FROG。Right；　I　pay　three…fifths　of　the　greatest　number；　and　you　pay　two…thirds　of　the　lesser　number。　　I　think　this　is　fair　and　square；　as　you　call　it。

JOHN　BULL。Well；　go　on。

NIC　FROG。Two…thirds　of　36；OOO　pounds　are　24；OOO　pounds　for　your　share；　and　there　remains　12；OOO　for　mine。　　Again；　of　the　4O；OOO　crowns　I　pay　24；OOO；　which　is　three…fifths；　and　you　pay　only　16；OOO；　which　is　two…fifths；　24；OOO　crowns　make　6；OOO　pounds；　and　16；OOO　crowns　make　4；OOO　pounds；　12；OOO　and　16；OOO　make　18；OOO；　24；OOO　and　4；OOO　make　28；OOO。　　So　there　are　18；OOO　pounds　to　my　share　of　the　expenses；　and　28；OOO　to　yours。

After　Nic。　had　bamboozled　John　awhile　about　the　18；OOO　and　the　28；OOO；　John　called　for　counters；　but　what　with　sleight　of　hand；　and　taking　from　his　own　score　and　adding　to　John's；　Nic。　brought　the　balance　always　on　his　own　side。

JOHN　BULL。Nay；　good　friend　Nic。；　though　I　am　not　quite　so　nimble　in　the　fingers；　I　understand　ciphering　as　well　as　you。　　I　will　produce　you　my　accounts　one　by　one；　fairly　writ　out　of　my　own　books；　and　here　I　begin　with　the　first。　　You　must　excuse　me　if　I　don't　pronounce　the　law　terms　right。

＇John　reads。＇

For　the　expenses　ordinary　of　the　suits；　fees　to　judges；　puisne　judges；　lawyers　innumerable　of　all　sorts：

Of　extraordinaries；　as　follows　per　account　。　。　To　Esquire　South's　account　for　post　terminums　。　。　To　ditto　for　non　est　factums　。　。　To　ditto　for　noli　prosequis；　discontinuance；　and　retraxit　。　。　For　writs　of　error　。　。　Suits　of　conditions　unperformed　。　。　To　Hocus　for　dedimus　protestatem　。　。　To　ditto　for　a　capias　ad　computandum　。　。　To　Frog's　new　tenants　per　account　to　Hocus；　for　audita　querelas　。　。　On　the　said　account　for　writs　of　ejectment　and　distringas　。　。　To　Esquire　South's　quota　for　a　return　of　a　non　est　invent　　　　and　nulla　habet　bona　。　。　To　…　for　a　pardon　in　forma　pauperis　。　。　To　Jack　for　a　melius　inquirendum　upon　a　felo…de…se　。　。　To　coach…hire　。　。　For　treats　to　juries　and　witnesses　。　。

John　having　read　over　his　articles；　with　the　respective　sums；　brought　in　Frog　debtor　to　him　upon　the　balance；　3；382　pounds　12　shillings。

Then　Nic。　Frog　pulled　his　bill　out　of　his　pocket；　and　began　to　read。

Nicholas　Frog's　Account。

Remains　to　be　deducted　out　of　the　former　Account。

Paid　by　Nic。　Frog　for　his　share　of　the　ordinary　expenses　of　the　suit　。　。　To　Hocus　for　entries　of　a　rege　inconsulto　。　。　To　John　Bull's　nephew　for　a　venire　facias；　the　money　not　yet　all　laid　out　。　。　The　coach…hire　for　my　wife　and　family；　and　the　carriage　of　my　goods　during　the　　　　time　of　this　lawsuit　。　。　For　the　extraordinary　expenses　of　feeding　my　family　during　this　lawsuit　。　。　To　Major　Ab。　。　。　To　Major　Will。　。　。

And　summing　all　up；　found　due　upon　the　balance　by　John　Bull　to　Nic。　Frog；　9　pounds　4　shillings　and　6　pence。

JOHN　BULL。As　for　your　venire　facias；　I　have　paid　you　for　one　already；　in　the　other　I　believe　you　will　be　nonsuited。　　I'll　take　care　of　my　nephew　myself。　　Your　coach…hire　and　family　charges　are　most　unreasonable　deductions；　at　that　rate；　I　can　bring　in　any　man　in　the　world　my　debtor。　　But　who　the　devil　are　those　two　majors　that　consume　all　my　money？　　I　find　they　always　run　away　with　the　balance　in　all　accounts。

NIC。　FROG。Two　very　honest　gentlemen；　I　assure　you；　that　have　done　me　some　service。　　To　tell　you　plainly；　Major　Ab。　denotes　thy　greater　ability；　and　Major　Will。　thy　greater　willingness　to　carry　on　this　lawsuit。　　It　was　but　reasonable　thou　shouldst　pay　both　for　thy　power　and　thy　positiveness。

JOHN　BULL。I　believe　I　shall　have　those　two　honest　majors'　discount　on　my　side　in　a　little　time。

NIC。　FROG。Why　all　this　higgling　with　thy　friend　about　such　a　paltry　sum？　　Does　this　become　the　generosity　of　the　noble　and　rich　John　Bull？　　I　wonder　thou　art　not　ashamed。　　Oh；　Hocus！　Hocus！　where　art　thou？　　It　used　to　go　another…guess　manner　in　thy　time。　　When　a　poor　man　has　almost　undone　himself　for　thy　sake；　thou　art　for　fleecing　him；　and　fleecing　him。　　Is　that　thy　conscience；　John？

JOHN　BULL。Very　pleasant；　indeed！　　It　is　well　known　thou　retainest　thy　lawyers　by　the　year；　so　a　fresh　lawsuit　adds　but　little　to　thy　expenses；　they　are　thy　customers；*　I　hardly　ever　sell　them　a　farthing's…worth　of　anything。　　Nay；　thou　hast　set　up　an　eating…house；　where　the　whole　tribe　of　them　spend　all　they　can　rap　or　run。　　If　it　were　well　reckoned；　I　believe　thou　gettest　more　of　my　money　than　thou　spendest　of　thy　own。　　However；　if　thou　wilt　needs　plead　poverty；　own　at　least　that　thy　accounts　are　false。

*　The　money　spent　in　Holland　and　Flanders。

NIC。　FROG。No；　marry　won't　I；　I　refer　myself　to　these　honest　gentlemenlet　them　judge　between　us。　　Let　Esquire　South　speak　his　mind；　whether　my　accounts　are　not　right；　and　whether　we　ought　not　to　go　on　with　our　lawsuit。

JOHN　BULL。Consult　the　butchers　about　keeping　of　Lent。　　Dost　think　that　John　Bull　will　be　tried　by　piepowders？　　I　tell　you；　once　for　all；　John　Bull　knows　where　his　shoe　pinches。　　None