the moscow census-第16部分

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given　him；　he　is　again　cold　and　hungry；　and　he　has　come　again　to　me；…
…how　can　I　refuse　him？　　＇For　if　the　cause　of　my　action　consisted　in
the　attainment　of　a　definite；　material　end；　on　giving　him　so　many
rubles　or　such　and　such　a　coat　I　might　be　at　ease　after　having
bestowed　them。　　But　the　cause　of　my　action　is　not　this：　　the　cause
is；　that　I　want　to　be　a　good　man；　that　is　to　say；　I　want　to　see
myself　in　every　other　man。　　Every　man　understands　goodness　thus；　and
in　no　other　manner。＇　｛15｝　　And　therefore；　if　he　should　drink　away
every　thing　that　you　had　given　him　twenty　times；　and　if　he　should
again　be　cold　and　hungry；　you　cannot　do　otherwise　than　give　him　more；
if　you　are　a　good　man；　you　can　never　cease　giving　to　him；　if　you　have
more　than　he　has。　　And　if　you　draw　back；　you　will　thereby　show　that
every　thing　that　you　have　done；　you　have　done　not　because　you　are　a
good　man；　but　because　you　wished　to　appear　a　good　man　in　his　sight；
and　in　the　sight　of　men。

And　thus　in　the　case　with　the　men　from　whom　I　chanced　to　recede；　to
whom　I　ceased　to　give；　and；　by　this　action；　denied　good；　I
experienced　a　torturing　sense　of　shame。

What　sort　of　shame　was　this？　　This　shame　I　had　experienced　in　the
Lyapinsky　house；　and　both　before　and　after　that　in　the　country；　when
I　happened　to　give　money　or　any　thing　else　to　the　poor；　and　in　my
expeditions　among　the　city　poor。

A　mortifying　incident　that　occurred　to　me　not　long　ago　vividly
reminded　me　of　that　shame；　and　led　me　to　an　explanation　of　that　shame
which　I　had　felt　when　bestowing　money　on　the　poor。

＇This　happened　in　the　country。　　I　wanted　twenty　kopeks　to　give　to　a
poor　pilgrim；　I　sent　my　son　to　borrow　them　from　some　one；　he　brought
the　pilgrim　a　twenty…kopek　piece；　and　told　me　that　he　had　borrowed　it
from　the　cook。　　A　few　days　afterwards　some　more　pilgrims　arrived；　and
again　I　was　in　want　of　a　twenty…kopek　piece。　　I　had　a　ruble；　I
recollected　that　I　was　in　debt　to　the　cook；　and　I　went　to　the
kitchen；　hoping　to　get　some　more　small　change　from　the　cook。　　I　said：
〃I　borrowed　a　twenty…kopek　piece　from　you；　so　here　is　a　ruble。〃　　I
had　not　finished　speaking；　when　the　cook　called　in　his　wife　from
another　room：　　〃Take　it；　Parasha；〃　said　he。　　I；　supposing　that　she
understood　what　I　wanted；　handed　her　the　ruble。　　I　must　state　that
the　cook　had　only　lived　with　me　a　week；　and；　though　I　had　seen　his
wife；　I　had　never　spoken　to　her。　　I　was　just　on　the　point　of　saying
to　her　that　she　was　to　give　me　some　small　coins；　when　she　bent
swiftly　down　to　my　hand；　and　tried　to　kiss　it；　evidently　imaging　that
I　had　given　her　the　ruble。　　I　muttered　something；　and　quitted　the
kitchen。　　I　was　ashamed；　ashamed　to　the　verge　of　torture；　as　I　had
not　been　for　a　long　time。　　I　shrank　together；　I　was　conscious　that　I
was　making　grimaces；　and　I　groaned　with　shame　as　I　fled　from　the
kitchen。　　This　utterly　unexpected；　and；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　utterly
undeserved　shame；　made　a　special　impression　on　me；　because　it　was　a
long　time　since　I　had　been　mortified；　and　because　I；　as　an　old　man；
had　so　lived；　it　seemed　to　me；　that　I　had　not　merited　this　shame。　　I
was　forcibly　struck　by　this。　　I　told　the　members　of　my　household
about　it；　I　told　my　acquaintances；　and　they　all　agreed　that　they
should　have　felt　the　same。　　And　I　began　to　reflect：　　why　had　this
caused　me　such　shame？　　To　this；　something　which　had　happened　to　me　in
Moscow　furnished　me　with　an　answer。

I　meditated　on　that　incident；　and　the　shame　which　I　had　experienced
in　the　presence　of　the　cook's　wife　was　explained　to　me；　and　all　those
sensations　of　mortification　which　I　had　undergone　during　the　course
of　my　Moscow　benevolence；　and　which　I　now　feel　incessantly　when　I
have　occasion　to　give　any　one　any　thing　except　that　petty　alms　to　the
poor　and　to　pilgrims；　which　I　have　become　accustomed　to　bestow；　and
which　I　consider　a　deed　not　of　charity　but　of　courtesy。　　If　a　man
asks　you　for　a　light；　you　must　strike　a　match　for　him；　if　you　have
one。　　If　a　man　asks　for　three　or　for　twenty　kopeks；　or　even　for
several　rubles；　you　must　give　them　if　you　have　them。　　This　is　an　act
of　courtesy　and　not　of　charity。＇　｛16｝

This　was　the　case　in　question：　　I　have　already　mentioned　the　two
peasants　with　whom　I　was　in　the　habit　of　sawing　wood　three　yeans　ago。
One　Saturday　evening　at　dusk；　I　was　returning　to　the　city　in　their
company。　　They　were　going　to　their　employer　to　receive　their　wages。
As　we　were　crossing　the　Dragomilovsky　bridge；　we　met　an　old　man。　　He
asked　alms；　and　I　gave　him　twenty　kopeks。　　I　gave；　and　reflected　on
the　good　effect　which　my　charity　would　have　on　Semyon；　with　whom　I
had　been　conversing　on　religious　topics。　　Semyon；　the　Vladimir
peasant；　who　had　a　wife　and　two　children　in　Moscow；　halted　also；
pulled　round　the　skirt　of　his　kaftan；　and　got　out　his　purse；　and　from
this　slender　purse　he　extracted；　after　some　fumbling；　three　kopeks；
handed　it　to　the　old　man；　and　asked　for　two　kopeks　in　change。　　The
old　man　exhibited　in　his　hand　two　three…kopek　pieces　and　one　kopek。
Semyon　looked　at　them；　was　about　to　take　the　kopek；　but　thought
better　of　it；　pulled　off　his　hat；　crossed　himself；　and　walked　on；
leaving　the　old　man　the　three…kopek　piece。

I　was　fully　acquainted　with　Semyon's　financial　condition。　　He　had　no
property　at　home　at　all。　　The　money　which　he　had　laid　by　on　the　day
when　he　gave　three　kopeks　amounted　to　six　rubles　and　fifty　kopeks。
Accordingly；　six　rubles　and　twenty　kopeks　was　the　sum　of　his　savings。
My　reserve　fund　was　in　the　neighborhood　of　six　hundred　thousand。　　I
had　a　wife　and　children；　Semyon　had　a　wife　and　children。　　He　was
younger　than　I；　and　his　children　were　fewer　in　number　than　mine；　but
his　children　were　small；　and　two　of　mine　were　of　an　age　to　work；　so
that　our　position；　with　the　exception　of　the　savings；　was　on　an
equality；　mine　was　somewhat　the　more　favorable；　if　any　thing。　　He
gave　three　kopeks；　I　gave　twenty。　　What　did　he　really　give；　and　what
did　I　really　give？　　What　ought　I　to　have　given；　in　order　to　do　what
Semyon　had　done？　he　had　six　hundred　kopeks；　out　of　this　he　gave　one；
and　afterwards　two。　　I　had　six　hundred　thousand　rubles。　　In　order　to
give　what　Semyon　had　given；　I　should　have　been　obliged　to　give　three
thousand　rubles；　and　ask　for　two　thousand　in　change；　and　then　leave
the　two　thousand　with　the　old　man；　cross　myself；　and　go　my　way；
calmly　conversing　about　life　in　the　factories；　and　the　cost　of　liver
in　the　Smolensk　market。

I　thought　of　this　at　the　time；　but　it　was　only　long　afterwards　that　I
was　in　a　condition　to　draw　from　this　incident　that　deduction　which
inevitably　results　from　it。　　This　deduction　is　so　uncommon　and　so
singular；　apparently；　that；　in　spite　of　its　mathematical
infallibility；　one　requires　time　to　grow　used　to　it。　　It　does　seem　as
though　there　must　be　some　mistake；　but　mistake　there　is　none。　　There
is　merely　the　fearful　mist　of　error　in　which　we　live。

＇This　deduction；　when　I　arrived　at　it；　and　when　I　recognized　its
undoubted　truth；　furnished　me　with　an　explanation　of　my　shame　in　the
presence　of　the　cook's　wife；　and　of　all　the　poor　people　to　whom　I　had
given　and　to　whom　I　still　give　money。

What；　in　point　of　fact；　is　that　money　which　I　give　to　the　poor；　and
which　the　cook's　wife　thought　I　was　giving　to　her？　　In　the　majority
of　cases；　it　is　that　portion　of　my　substance　which　it　is　impossible
even　to　express　in　figures　to　Semyon　and　the　cook's　wife；it　is
generally　one　millionth　part　or　about　that。　　I　give　so　little　that
the　bestowal　of　any　money　is　not　and　cannot　be　a　deprivation　to　me；
it　is　only　a　pleasure　in　which　I　amuse　myself　when　the　whim　seizes
me。　　And　it　was　thus　that　the　cook's　wife　understood　it。　　If　I　give
to　a　man　who　steps　in　from　the　street　one　ruble　or　twenty　kopeks；　why
should　not　I　give　her　a　ruble　also？　　In　the　opinion　of　the　cook's
wife；　such　a　bestowal　of　money　is　precisely　the　same　as　the　flinging
of　honey…cakes　to　the　people　by　gentlemen；　it　furnishes　the　people
who　have　a　great　deal　of　superfluous　cash　with　amusement。　　I　was
mortified　because　the　mistake　made　by　the　cook's　wife　demonstrated　to
me　distinctly　the　view　which　she；　and　all　people　who　are　not　rich；
must　take　of　me：　　〃He　is　flinging　away　his　folly；　i。e。；　his　unearned
money。〃

As　a　matter　of　fact；　what　is　my　money；　and　whence　did　it　come　into　my
possession？　　A　portion　of　it　I　accumulated　from　the　land　which　I
received　from　my　father。　　A　peasant　sold　his　last　sheep　or　cow　in
order　to　give　the　money　to　me。　　Another　portion　of　my　money　is　the
money　which　I　have　received　for　my　writings；　for　my　books。　　If　my
books　are　hurtful；　I　only　lead　astray　those　who　purchase　them；　and
the　money　which　I　receive　for　them　is　ill…earned　money；　but　if　my
books　are　useful　to　people；　then　the　issue　is　still　more　disastrous。
I　do　not　give　them　to　people：　　I　say；　〃Give　me　seventeen　rubles；　and
I　will　give　them　to　you。〃　　And　as　the　peasant　sells　his　last　sheep；
in　this　case　the　poor　student　or　teacher；　or　any　other　poor　man；
deprives　himself　of　necessaries　in　order　to　give　me　this　money。　　And
so　I　have　accumulated　a　great　deal　of　money　in　that　way；　and　what　do
I　do　with　it？　　I　take　that　money　to　the　city；　and　bestow　it　on　the
poor；　only　when　they　fulfil　my　caprices；　and　come　hither　to　the　city
to　clean　my　sidewalk；　lamps；　and　shoes；　to　work　for　me　in　factories。
And　in　return　for　this　money；　I　force　from　them　every　thing　that　I
can；　that　is　to　say；　I　try　to　give　them　as　little　as　possible；　and　to
receive　as　much　as　possible　from　them。　　And　all　at　once　I　begin；
quite　unexpectedly；　to　bestow　this　money　as　a　simple　gift；　on　these
same　poor　persons；　not　on　all；　but　on　those　to　whom　I　take　a　fancy。
Why　should　not　every　poor　person　expect　that　it　is　quite　possible
that　the　luck　may　fall　to　him　of　being　one　of　those　with　whom　I　shall
amuse　myself　by　distributing　my　superfluous　money？　　And　so　all　look
upon　me　as　the　cook's　wife　did。

And　I　had　gone　so　far　astray　that　this　taking　of　thousands　from　the
poor　with　one　hand；　and　this　flinging　of　kopeks　with　the　other；　to
those　to　whom　the　whim　moved　me　to　give；　I　called　good。　　No　wonder
that　I　felt　ashamed。＇　｛17｝

Yes；　before　doing　good　it　was　needful　for　me　to　stand　outside　of
evil；　in　such　condi