camille-第18部分

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sed；　and　when　my　servant　came　to　my　room　at　eight　o'clock；　I　gave　it　to　him　and　told　him　to　take　it　at　once。

〃Shall　I　wait　for　an　answer？〃　asked　Joseph　（my　servant；　like　all　servants；　was　called　Joseph）。

〃If　they　ask　whether　there　is　a　reply；　you　will　say　that　you　don't　know；　and　wait。〃

I　buoyed　myself　up　with　the　hope　that　she　would　reply。　Poor；　feeble　creatures　that　we　are！　All　the　time　that　my　servant　was　away　I　was　in　a　state　of　extreme　agitation。　At　one　moment　I　would　recall　how　Marguerite　had　given　herself　to　me；　and　ask　myself　by　what　right　I　wrote　her　an　impertinent　letter；　when　she　could　reply　that　it　was　not　M。　de　G。　who　supplanted　me；　but　I　who　had　supplanted　M。　de　G。：　a　mode　of　reasoning　which　permits　many　women　to　have　many　lovers。　At　another　moment　I　would　recall　her　promises；　and　endeavour　to　convince　myself　that　my　letter　was　only　too　gentle；　and　that　there　were　not　expressions　forcible　enough　to　punish　a　woman　who　laughed　at　a　love　like　mine。　Then　I　said　to　myself　that　I　should　have　done　better　not　to　have　written　to　her；　but　to　have　gone　to　see　her；　and　that　then　I　should　have　had　the　pleasure　of　seeing　the　tears　that　she　would　shed。　Finally；　I　asked　myself　what　she　would　reply　to　me；　already　prepared　to　believe　whatever　excuse　she　made。

Joseph　returned。

〃Well？〃　I　said　to　him。

〃Sir；〃　said　he；　〃madame　was　not　up；　and　still　asleep；　but　as　soon　as　she　rings　the　letter　will　be　taken　to　her；　and　if　there　is　any　reply　it　will　be　sent。〃

She　was　asleep！

Twenty　times　I　was　on　the　point　of　sending　to　get　the　letter　back；　but　every　time　I　said　to　myself：　〃Perhaps　she　will　have　got　it　already；　and　it　would　look　as　if　I　have　repented　of　sending　it。〃

As　the　hour　at　which　it　seemed　likely　that　she　would　reply　came　nearer；　I　regretted　more　and　more　that　I　had　written。　The　clock　struck；　ten；　eleven；　twelve。　At　twelve　I　was　on　the　point　of　keeping　the　appointment　as　if　nothing　had　happened。　In　the　end　I　could　see　no　way　out　of　the　circle　of　fire　which　closed　upon　me。

Then　I　began　to　believe；　with　the　superstition　which　people　have　when　they　are　waiting；　that　if　I　went　out　for　a　little　while；　I　should　find　an　answer　when　I　got　back。　I　went　out　under　the　pretext　of　going　to　lunch。

Instead　of　lunching　at　the　Cafe　Foy；　at　the　corner　of　the　Boulevard；　as　I　usually　did；　I　preferred　to　go　to　the　Palais　Royal　and　so　pass　through　the　Rue　d'Antin。　Every　time　that　I　saw　a　woman　at　a　distance；　I　fancied　it　was　Nanine　bringing　me　an　answer。　I　passed　through　the　Rue　d'Antin　without　even　coming　across　a　commissionaire。　I　went　to　Very's　in　the　Palais　Royal。　The　waiter　gave　me　something　to　eat；　or　rather　served　up　to　me　whatever　he　liked；　for　I　ate　nothing。　In　spite　of　myself；　my　eyes　were　constantly　fixed　on　the　clock。　I　returned　home；　certain　that　I　should　find　a　letter　from　Marguerite。

The　porter　had　received　nothing；　but　I　still　hoped　in　my　servant。　He　had　seen　no　one　since　I　went　out。

If　Marguerite　had　been　going　to　answer　me　she　would　have　answered　long　before。

Then　I　began　to　regret　the　terms　of　my　letter；　I　should　have　said　absolutely　nothing；　and　that　would　undoubtedly　have　aroused　her　suspicions；　for；　finding　that　I　did　not　keep　my　appointment；　she　would　have　inquired　the　reason　of　my　absence；　and　only　then　I　should　have　given　it　to　her。　Thus；　she　would　have　had　to　exculpate　herself；　and　what　I　wanted　was　for　her　to　exculpate　herself。　I　already　realized　that　I　should　have　believed　whatever　reasons　she　had　given　me；　and　anything　was　better　than　not　to　see　her　again。

At　last　I　began　to　believe　that　she　would　come　to　see　me　herself；　but　hour　followed　hour；　and　she　did　not　come。

Decidedly　Marguerite　was　not　like　other　women；　for　there　are　few　who　would　have　received　such　a　letter　as　I　had　just　written　without　answering　it　at　all。

At　five；　I　hastened　to　the　Champs…Elysees。　〃If　I　meet　her；〃　I　thought；　〃I　will　put　on　an　indifferent　air；　and　she　will　be　convinced　that　I　no　longer　think　about　her。〃

As　I　turned　the　corner　of　the　Rue　Royale；　I　saw　her　pass　in　her　carriage。　The　meeting　was　so　sudden　that　I　turned　pale。　I　do　not　know　if　she　saw　my　emotion；　as　for　me；　I　was　so　agitated　that　I　saw　nothing　but　the　carriage。

I　did　not　go　any　farther　in　the　direction　of　the　Champs…Elysees。　I　looked　at　the　advertisements　of　the　theatres；　for　I　had　still　a　chance　of　seeing　her。　There　was　a　first　night　at　the　Palais　Royal。　Marguerite　was　sure　to　be　there。　I　was　at　the　theatre　by　seven。　The　boxes　filled　one　after　another；　but　Marguerite　was　not　there。　I　left　the　Palais　Royal　and　went　to　all　the　theatres　where　she　was　most　often　to　be　seen：　to　the　Vaudeville；　the　Varietes；　the　Opera　Comique。　She　was　nowhere。

Either　my　letter　had　troubled　her　too　much　for　her　to　care　to　go　to　the　theatre；　or　she　feared　to　come　across　me；　and　so　wished　to　avoid　an　explanation。　So　my　vanity　was　whispering　to　me　on　the　boulevards；　when　I　met　Gaston；　who　asked　me　where　I　had　been。

〃At　the　Palais　Royal。〃

〃And　I　at　the　Opera；〃　said　he；　〃I　expected　to　see　you　there。〃

〃Why？〃

〃Because　Marguerite　was　there。〃

〃Ah；　she　was　there？〃

〃Yes。

〃Alone？〃

〃No；　with　another　woman。〃

〃That　all？〃

〃The　Comte　de　G。　came　to　her　box　for　an　instant；　but　she　went　off　with　the　duke。　I　expected　to　see　you　every　moment；　for　there　was　a　stall　at　my　side　which　remained　empty　the　whole　evening；　and　I　was　sure　you　had　taken　it。〃

〃But　why　should　I　go　where　Marguerite　goes？〃

〃Because　you　are　her　lover；　surely！〃

〃Who　told　you　that？〃

〃Prudence；　whom　I　met　yesterday。　I　give　you　my　congratulations；　my　dear　fellow；　she　is　a　charming　mistress；　and　it　isn't　everybody　who　has　the　chance。　Stick　to　her；　she　will　do　you　credit。〃

These　simple　reflections　of　Gaston　showed　me　how　absurd　had　been　my　susceptibilities。　If　I　had　only　met　him　the　night　before　and　he　had　spoken　to　me　like　that；　I　should　certainly　not　have　written　the　foolish　letter　which　I　had　written。

I　was　on　the　point　of　calling　on　Prudence；　and　of　sending　her　to　tell　Marguerite　that　I　wanted　to　speak　to　her；　but　I　feared　that　she　would　revenge　herself　on　me　by　saying　that　she　could　not　see　me；　and　I　returned　home；　after　passing　through　the　Rue　d'Antin。　Again　I　asked　my　porter　if　there　was　a　letter　for　me。　Nothing！　She　is　waiting　to　see　if　I　shall　take　some　fresh　step；　and　if　I　retract　my　letter　of　to…day；　I　said　to　myself　as　I　went　to　bed；　but；　seeing　that　I　do　not　write；　she　will　write　to　me　to…morrow。

That　night；　more　than　ever；　I　reproached　myself　for　what　I　had　done。　I　was　alone；　unable　to　sleep；　devoured　by　restlessness　and　jealousy；　when　by　simply　letting　things　take　their　natural　course　I　should　have　been　with　Marguerite；　hearing　the　delicious　words　which　I　had　heard　only　twice；　and　which　made　my　ears　burn　in　my　solitude。

The　most　frightful　part　of　the　situation　was　that　my　judgment　was　against　me；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　everything　went　to　prove　that　Marguerite　loved　me。　First；　her　proposal　to　spend　the　summer　with　me　in　the　country；　then　the　certainty　that　there　was　no　reason　why　she　should　be　my　mistress；　since　my　income　was　insufficient　for　her　needs　and　even　for　her　caprices。　There　could　not　then　have　been　on　her　part　anything　but　the　hope　of　finding　in　me　a　sincere　affection；　able　to　give　her　rest　from　the　mercenary　loves　in　whose　midst　she　lived；　and　on　the　very　second　day　I　had　destroyed　this　hope；　and　paid　by　impertinent　irony　for　the　love　which　I　had　accepted　during　two　nights。　What　I　had　done　was　therefore　not　merely　ridiculous；　it　was　indelicate。　I　had　not　even　paid　the　woman；　that　I　might　have　some　right　to　find　fault　with　her；　withdrawing　after　two　days；　was　I　not　like　a　parasite　of　love；　afraid　of　having　to　pay　the　bill　of　the　banquet？　What！　I　had　only　known　Marguerite　for　thirty…six　hours；　I　had　been　her　lover　for　only　twenty…four；　and　instead　of　being　too　happy　that　she　should　grant　me　all　that　she　did；　I　wanted　to　have　her　all　to　myself；　and　to　make　her　sever　at　one　stroke　all　her　past　relations　which　were　the　revenue　of　her　future。　What　had　I　to　reproach　in　her？　Nothing。　She　had　written　to　say　she　was　unwell；　when　she　might　have　said　to　me　quite　crudely；　with　the　hideous　frankness　of　certain　women；　that　she　had　to　see　a　lover；　and；　instead　of　believing　her　letter；　instead　of　going　to　any　street　in　Paris　except　the　Rue　d'Antin；　instead　of　spending　the　evening　with　my　friends；　and　presenting　myself　next　day　at　the　appointed　hour；　I　was　acting　the　Othello；　spying　upon　her；　and　thinking　to　punish　her　by　seeing　her　no　more。　But；　on　the　contrary；　she　ought　to　be　enchanted　at　this　separation。　She　ought　to　find　me　supremely　foolish；　and　her　silence　was　not　even　that　of　rancour；　it　was　contempt。

I　might　have　made　Marguerite　a　present　which　would　leave　no　doubt　as　to　my　generosity　and　permit　me　to　feel　properly　quits　of　her；　as　of　a　kept　woman；　but　I　should　have　felt　that　I　was　offending　by　the　least　appearance　of　trafficking；　if　not　the　love　which　she　had　for　me；　at　all　events　the　love　which　I　had　for　her；　and　since　this　love　was　so　pure　that　it　could　admit　no　division；　it　could　not　pay　by　a　present；　however　generous；　the　happiness　that　it　had　received；　however　short　that　happiness　had　been。

That　is　what　I　said　to　myself　all　night　long；　and　what　I　was　every　moment　prepared　to　go　and　say　to　Marguerite。　When　the　day　dawned　I　was　still　sleepless。　I　was　in　a　fever。　I　could　think　of　nothing　but　Marguerite。

As　you　can　imagine；　it　was　time　to　take　a　decided　step；　and　finish　either　with　the　woman　or　with　one's　scruples；　if；　that　is；　she　would　still　be　willing　to　see　me。　But　you　know　well；　one　is　always　slow　in　taking　a　decided　step；　so；　unable　to　remain　within　doors　and　not　daring　to　call　on　Marguerite；　I　made　one　attempt　in　her　direction；　an　attempt　that　I　could　always　look　upon　as　a　mere　chance　if　it　succeeded。

It　was　nine　o'clock；　and　I　went　at　once　to　call　upon　Prudence；　who　asked　to　what　she　owed　this　early　visit。　I　dared　not　tell　her　frankly　what　brought　me。　I　replied　that　I　had　gone　out　early　in　order　to　reserve　a　place　in　the　diligence　for　C。；　where　my　father　lived。

〃You　are　fortunate；〃　she　said；　〃in　being　able　to　get　away　from　Paris　in　this　fine　weather。〃

I　looked　at　Prudence；　asking　myself　whether　she　was　laughing　at　me；　but　her　face