the dark flower-第14部分

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he　was　going　to　look　in　her　direction。　　And　this　roused　in　him　a
sore　feelingeverything　that　night　seemed　to　rouse　that　feeling
of　injustice；　he　was　cast　out；　and　he　could　not　tell　why。　　He　had
not　meant　to　hurt　either　of　them！　　Why　should　they　both　want　to
hurt　him　so？　　And　presently　there　came　to　him　a　feeling　that　he　did
not　care：　Let　them　treat　him　as　they　liked！　　There　were　other
things　besides　love！　　If　they　did　not　want　himhe　did　not　want
them！　　And　he　hugged　this　reckless；　unhappy；　don't…care　feeling　to
him　with　all　the　abandonment　of　youth。

But　even　birthdays　come　to　an　end。　　And　moods　and　feelings　that
seem　so　desperately　real　die　in　the　unreality　of　sleep。


XVI


If　to　the　boy　that　birthday　was　all　bewildered　disillusionment；　to
Anna　it　was　verily　slow　torture；　SHE　found　no　relief　in　thinking
that　there　were　things　in　life　other　than　love。　　But　next　morning
brought　readjustment；　a　sense　of　yesterday's　extravagance；　a
renewal　of　hope。　　Impossible　surely　that　in　one　short　fortnight　she
had　lost　what　she　had　made　so　sure　of！　　She　had　only　to　be
resolute。　　Only　to　grasp　firmly　what　was　hers。　　After　all　these
empty　years　was　she　not　to　have　her　hour？　　To　sit　still　meekly　and
see　it　snatched　from　her　by　a　slip　of　a　soft　girl？　　A　thousand
times；　no！　　And　she　watched　her　chance。　　She　saw　him　about　noon
sally　forth　towards　the　river；　with　his　rod。　　She　had　to　wait　a
little；　for　Gordy　and　his　bailiff　were　down　there　by　the　tennis
lawn；　but　they　soon　moved　on。　　She　ran　out　then　to　the　park　gate。
Once　through　that　she　felt　safe；　her　husband；　she　knew；　was　working
in　his　room；　the　girl　somewhere　invisible；　the　old　governess　still
at　her　housekeeping；　Mrs。　Doone　writing　letters。　　She　felt　full　of
hope　and　courage。　　This　old　wild　tangle　of　a　park；　that　she　had　not
yet　seen；　was　beautifula　true　trysting…place　for　fauns　and
nymphs；　with　its　mossy　trees　and　boulders　and　the　high　bracken。
She　kept　along　under　the　wall　in　the　direction　of　the　river；　but
came　to　no　gate；　and　began　to　be　afraid　that　she　was　going　wrong。
She　could　hear　the　river　on　the　other　side；　and　looked　for　some
place　where　she　could　climb　and　see　exactly　where　she　was。　　An　old
ash…tree　tempted　her。　　Scrambling　up　into　its　fork；　she　could　just
see　over。　　There　was　the　little　river　within　twenty　yards；　its
clear　dark　water　running　between　thick　foliage。　　On　its　bank　lay　a
huge　stone　balanced　on　another　stone　still　more　huge。　　And　with　his
back　to　this　stone　stood　the　boy；　his　rod　leaning　beside　him。　　And
there；　on　the　ground；　her　arms　resting　on　her　knees；　her　chin　on
her　hands；　that　girl　sat　looking　up。　　How　eager　his　eyes　nowhow
different　from　the　brooding　eyes　of　yesterday！

〃So；　you　see；　that　was　all。　　You　might　forgive　me；　Sylvia！〃

And　to　Anna　it　seemed　verily　as　if　those　two　young　faces　formed
suddenly　but　onethe　face　of　youth。

If　she　had　stayed　there　looking　for　all　time；　she　could　not　have
had　graven　on　her　heart　a　vision　more　indelible。　　Vision　of　Spring；
of　all　that　was　gone　from　her　for　ever！　　She　shrank　back　out　of　the
fork　of　the　old　ash…tree；　and；　like　a　stricken　beast；　went
hurrying；　stumbling　away；　amongst　the　stones　and　bracken。　　She　ran
thus　perhaps　a　quarter　of　a　mile；　then　threw　up　her　arms；　fell　down
amongst　the　fern；　and　lay　there　on　her　face。　　At　first　her　heart
hurt　her　so　that　she　felt　nothing　but　that　physical　pain。　　If　she
could　have　died！　　But　she　knew　it　was　nothing　but　breathlessness。
It　left　her；　and　that　which　took　its　place　she　tried　to　drive　away
by　pressing　her　breast　against　the　ground；　by　clutching　the　stalks
of　the　brackenan　ache；　an　emptiness　too　dreadful！　　Youth　to
youth！　　He　was　gone　from　herand　she　was　alone　again！　　She　did　not
cry。　　What　good　in　crying？　　But　gusts　of　shame　kept　sweeping
through　her；　shame　and　rage。　　So　this　was　all　she　was　worth！　　The
sun　struck　hot　on　her　back　in　that　lair　of　tangled　fern；　where　she
had　fallen；　she　felt　faint　and　sick。　　She　had　not　known　till　now
quite　what　this　passion　for　the　boy　had　meant　to　her；　how　much　of
her　very　belief　in　herself　was　bound　up　with　it；　how　much　clinging
to　her　own　youth。　　What　bitterness！　　One　soft　slip　of　a　white　girl
one　YOUNG　thingand　she　had　become　as　nothing！　　But　was　that
true？　　Could　she　not　even　now　wrench　him　back　to　her　with　the
passion　that　this　child　knew　nothing　of！　　Surely！　　Oh；　surely！　　Let
him　but　once　taste　the　rapture　she　could　give　him！　　And　at　that
thought　she　ceased　clutching　at　the　bracken　stalks；　lying　as　still
as　the　very　stones　around　her。　　Could　she　not？　　Might　she　not；　even
now？　　And　all　feeling；　except　just　a　sort　of　quivering；　deserted
heras　if　she　had　fallen　into　a　trance。　　Why　spare　this　girl？　　Why
falter？　　She　was　first！　　He　had　been　hers　out　there。　　And　she　still
had　the　power　to　draw　him。　　At　dinner　the　first　evening　she　had
dragged　his　gaze　to　her；　away　from　that　girlaway　from　youth；　as　a
magnet　draws　steel。　　She　could　still　bind　him　with　chains　that　for
a　little　while　at　all　events　he　would　not　want　to　break！　　Bind　him？
Hateful　word！　　Take　him；　hankering　after　what　she　could　not　give
himyouth；　white　innocence；　Spring？　　It　would　be　infamous；
infamous！　　She　sprang　up　from　the　fern；　and　ran　along　the　hillside；
not　looking　where　she　went；　stumbling　among　the　tangled　growth；　in
and　out　of　the　boulders；　till　she　once　more　sank　breathless　on　to　a
stone。　　It　was　bare　of　trees　just　here；　and　she　could　see；　across
the　river　valley；　the　high　larch…crowned　tor　on　the　far　side。　　The
sky　was　clearthe　sun　bright。　　A　hawk　was　wheeling　over　that　hill；
far　up；　very　near　the　blue！　　Infamous！　　She　could　not　do　that！
Could　not　drug　him；　drag　him　to　her　by　his　senses；　by　all　that　was
least　high　in　him；　when　she　wished　for　him　all　the　finest　things
that　life　could　give；　as　if　she　had　been　his　mother。　　She　could
not。　　It　would　be　wicked！　　In　that　moment　of　intense　spiritual
agony；　those　two　down　there　in　the　sun；　by　the　grey　stone　and　the
dark　water；　seemed　guarded　from　her；　protected。　　The　girl's　white
flower…face　trembling　up；　the　boy's　gaze　leaping　down！　　Strange
that　a　heart　which　felt　that；　could　hate　at　the　same　moment　that
flower…face；　and　burn　to　kill　with　kisses　that　eagerness　in　the
boy's　eyes。　　The　storm　in　her　slowly　passed。　　And　she　prayed　just
to　feel　nothing。　　It　was　natural　that　she　should　lose　her　hour！
Natural　that　her　thirst　should　go　unslaked；　and　her　passion　never
bloom；　natural　that　youth　should　go　to　youth；　this　boy　to　his　own
kind；　by　the　law　oflove。　　The　breeze　blowing　down　the　valley
fanned　her　cheeks；　and　brought　her　a　faint　sensation　of　relief。
Nobility！　　Was　it　just　a　word？　　Or　did　those　that　gave　up　happiness
feel　noble？

She　wandered　for　a　long　time　in　the　park。　　Not　till　late　afternoon
did　she　again　pass　out　by　the　gate；　through　which　she　had　entered；
full　of　hope。　　She　met　no　one　before　she　reached　her　room；　and
there；　to　be　safe；　took　refuge　in　her　bed。　　She　dreaded　only　lest
the　feeling　of　utter　weariness　should　leave　her。　　She　wanted　no
vigour　of　mind　or　body　till　she　was　away　from　here。　　She　meant
neither　to　eat　nor　drink；　only　to　sleep；　if　she　could。　　To…morrow；
if　there　were　any　early　train；　she　could　be　gone　before　she　need
see　anyone；　her　husband　must　arrange。　　As　to　what　he　would　think；
and　she　could　saytime　enough　to　decide　that。　　And　what　did　it
matter？　　The　one　vital　thing　now　was　not　to　see　the　boy；　for　she
could　not　again　go　through　hours　of　struggle　like　those。　　She　rang
the　bell；　and　sent　the　startled　maid　with　a　message　to　her　husband。
And　while　she　waited　for　him　to　come；　her　pride　began　revolting。
She　must　not　let　him　see。　　That　would　be　horrible。　　And　slipping
out　of　bed　she　got　a　handkerchief　and　the　eau…de…Cologne　flask；　and
bandaged　her　forehead。　　He　came　almost　instantly；　entering　in　his
quick；　noiseless　way；　and　stood　looking　at　her。　　He　did　not　ask
what　was　the　matter；　but　simply　waited。　　And　never　before　had　she
realized　so　completely　how　he　began；　as　it　were；　where　she　left
off；　began　on　a　plane　from　which　instinct　and　feeling　were　as
carefully　ruled　out　as　though　they　had　been　blasphemous。　　She
summoned　all　her　courage；　and　said：　〃I　went　into　the　park；　the　sun
must　have　been　too　hot。　　I　should　like　to　go　home　to…morrow；　if　you
don't　mind。　　I　can't　bear　not　feeling　well　in　other　people's
houses。〃

She　was　conscious　of　a　smile　flickering　over　his　face；　then　it　grew
grave。

〃Ah！〃　he　said；　〃yes。　　The　sun；　a　touch　of　that　will　last　some　days。
Will　you　be　fit　to　travel；　though？〃

She　had　a　sudden　conviction　that　he　knew　all　about　it；　but　that
since　to　know　all　about　it　was　to　feel　himself　ridiculoushe　had
the　power　of　making　himself　believe　that　he　knew　nothing。　　Was　this
fine　of　him；　or　was　it　hateful？

She　closed　her　eyes　and　said：

〃My　head　is　bad；　but　I　SHALL　be　able。　　Only　I　don't　want　a　fuss
made。　　Could　we　go　by　a　train　before　they　are　down？〃

She　heard　him　say：

〃Yes。　　That　will　have　its　advantages。〃

There　was　not　the　faintest　sound　now；　but　of　course　he　was　still
there。　　In　that　dumb；　motionless　presence　was　all　her　future。　　Yes；
that　would　be　her　futurea　thing　without　feeling；　and　without
motion。　　A　fearful　curiosity　came　on　her　to　look　at　it。　　She　opened
her　gaze。　　He　was　still　standing　just　as　he　had　been；　his　eyes
fixed　on　her。　　But　one　hand；　on　the　edge　of　his　coat　pocketout　of
the　picture；　as　it　werewas　nervously　closing　and　unclosing。　　And
suddenly　she　felt　pity。　　Not　for　her　futurewhich　must　be　like
that；　but　for　him。　　How　dreadful　to　have　grown　so　that　all　emotion
was　exiledhow　dreadful！　　And　she　said　gently：

〃I　am　sorry；　Harold。〃

As　if　he　had　heard　something　strange　and　startling；　his　eyes
dilated　in　a　curious　way；　he　buried　that　nervous　hand　in　his
pocket；　turned；　and　went　out。


XVII


When　young　Mark　came　on　Sylvia　by　the　logan…stone；　it　was　less
surprising　to　him　than　if　he　had　not　known　she　was　therehaving
watched　her　go。　　She　was　sitting；　all　humped　together；　brooding
over　the　water；　her　sunbonnet　thrown　back；　and　that　hair；　in　which
his　star　had　caught；　shining　faint…gold　under　the　sun。　　He　came　on
her　softly　through　the　grass；　and；　when　he　was　a　little　way　off；
thought　it　best　to　halt。　　If　he　startl