from this world to the next-第24部分

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disappointment　at　once　both　of　my　love　and　pride；　and　at　the

finding　a　passion　fixed　in　my　breast　I　knew　not　how　to　conquer；

broke　out　into　that　inconsistent　behavior　which　must　always　be

the　consequence　of　violent　passions。　　One　moment　I　reproached

him；　the　next　I　grew　to　tenderness　and　blamed　myself；　and　thought

I　fancied　what　was　not　true：　　he　saw　my　struggle　and　triumphed　in

it；　but；　as　he　had　not　witnesses　enough　there　of　his　victory　to

give　him　the　full　enjoyment　of　it；　he　grew　weary　of　the　country

and　returned　to　Paris；　and　left　me　in　a　condition　it　is　utterly

impossible　to　describe。　　My　mind　was　like　a　city　up　in　arms；　all

confusion；　and　every　new　thought　was　a　fresh　disturber　of　my

peace。　　Sleep　quite　forsook　me；　and　the　anxiety　I　suffered　threw

me　into　a　fever　which　had　like　to　have　cost　me　my　life。　　With

great　care　I　recovered；　but　the　violence　of　the　distemper　left

such　a　weakness　on　my　body　that　the　disturbance　of　my　mind　was

greatly　assuaged；　and　now　I　began　to　comfort　myself　in　the

reflection　that　this　gentleman's　being　a　finished　coquette　was

very　likely　the　only　thing　could　have　preserved　me；　for　he　was

the　only　man　from　whom　I　was　ever　in　any　danger。　　By　that　time　I

was　got　tolerably　well　we　returned　to　Paris；　and　I　confess　I　both

wished　and　feared　to　see　this　cause　of　all　my　pain：　　however；　I

hoped；　by　the　help　of　my　resentment；　to　be　able　to　meet　him　with

indifference。　　This　employed　my　thoughts　till　our　arrival。　　The

next　day　there　was　a　very　full　court　to　congratulate　the　queen　on

her　recovery；　and　amongst　the　rest　my　love　appeared　dressed　and

adorned　as　if　he　designed　some　new　conquest。　　Instead　of　seeing　a

woman　he　despised　and　slighted；　he　approached　me　with　that

assured　air　which　is　common　to　successful　coxcombs。　　At　the　same

time　I　perceived　I　was　surrounded　by　all　those　ladies　who　were　on

his　account　my　greatest　enemies；　and；　in　revenge；　wished　for

nothing　more　than　to　see　me　make　a　ridiculous　figure。　　This

situation　so　perplexed　my　thoughts；　that　when　he　came　near　enough

to　speak　to　me；　I　fainted　away　in　his　arms。　　Had　I　studied　which

way　I　could　gratify　him　most；　it　was　impossible　to　have　done

anything　to　have　pleased　him　more。　　Some　that　stood　by　brought

smelling…bottles；　and　used　means　for　my　recovery；　and　I　was

welcomed　to　returning　life　by　all　those　repartees　which　women

enraged　by　envy　are　capable　of　venting。　　One　cried　'Well；　I　never

thought　my　lord　had　anything　so　frightful　in　his　person　or　so

fierce　in　his　manner　as　to　strike　a　young　lady　dead　at　the　sight

of　him。'　　'No；　no；'　says　another；　'some　ladies'　senses　are　more

apt　to　be　hurried　by　agreeable　than　disagreeable　objects。'　　With

many　more　such　sort　of　speeches　which　showed　more　malice　than

wit。　　This　not　being　able　to　bear；　trembling；　and　with　but　just

strength　enough　to　move；　I　crawled　to　my　coach　and　hurried　home。　

When　I　was　alone；　and　thought　on　what　had　happened　to　me　in　a

public　court；　I　was　at　first　driven　to　the　utmost　despair；　but

afterwards；　when　I　came　to　reflect；　I　believe　this　accident

contributed　more　to　my　being　cured　of　my　passion　than　any　other

could　have　done。　　I　began　to　think　the　only　method　to　pique　the

man　who　had　used　me　so　barbarously；　and　to　be　revenged　on　my

spiteful　rivals；　was　to　recover　that　beauty　which　was　then

languid　and　had　lost　its　luster；　to　let　them　see　I　had　still

charms　enough　to　engage　as　many　lovers　as　I　could　desire；　and

that　I　could　yet　rival　them　who　had　thus　cruelly　insulted　me。　

These　pleasing　hopes　revived　my　sinking　spirits。　　and　worked　a

more　effectual　cure　on　me　than　all　the　philosophy　and　advice　of

the　wisest　men　could　have　done。　　I　now　employed　all　my　time　and

care　in　adorning　my　person；　and　studying　the　surest　means　of

engaging　the　affections　of　others；　while　I　myself　continued　quite

indifferent；　for　I　resolved　for　the　future；　if　ever　one　soft

thought　made　its　way　to　my　heart；　to　fly　the　object　of　it；　and　by

new　lovers　to　drive　the　image　from　my　breast。　　I　consulted　my

glass　every　morning；　and　got　such　a　command　of　my　countenance

that　I　could　suit　it　to　the　different　tastes　of　variety　of

lovers；　and　though　I　was　young；　for　I　was　not　yet　above

seventeen；　yet　my　public　way　of　life　gave　me　such　continual

opportunities　of　conversing　with　men；　and　the　strong　desire　I　now

had　of　pleasing　them　led　me　to　make　such　constant　observations　on

everything　they　said　or　did；　that　I　soon　found　out　the　different

methods　of　dealing　with　them。　　I　observed　that　most　men　generally

liked　in　women　what　was　most　opposite　to　their　own　characters；

therefore　to　the　grave　solid　man　of　sense　I　endeavored　to　appear

sprightly　and　full　of　spirit；　to　the　witty　and　gay；　soft　and

languishing；　to　the　amorous　（for　they　want　no　increase　of　their

passions）；　cold　and　reserved；　to　the　fearful　and　backward；　warm

and　full　of　fire；　and　so　of　all　the　rest。　　As　to　beaux；　and　all

of　those　sort　of　men；　whose　desires　are　centered　in　the

satisfaction　of　their　vanity；　I　had　learned　by　sad　experience　the

only　way　to　deal　with　them　was　to　laugh　at　them　and　let　their　own

good　opinion　of　themselves　be　the　only　support　of　their　hopes。　　I

knew；　while　I　could　get　other　followers；　I　was　sure　of　them；　for

the　only　sign　of　modesty　they　ever　give　is　that　of　not　depending

on　their　own　judgments；　but　following　the　opinions　of　the

greatest　number。　　Thus　furnished　with　maxims；　and　grown　wise　by

past　errors；　I　in　a　manner　began　the　world　again：　　I　appeared　in

all　public　places　handsomer　and　more　lively　than　ever；　to　the

amazement　of　every　one　who　saw　me　and　had　heard　of　the　affair

between　me　and　my　lord。　　He　himself　was　much　surprised　and　vexed

at　this　sudden　change；　nor　could　he　account　how　it　was　possible

for　me　so　soon　to　shake　off　those　chains　he　thought　he　had　fixed

on　me　for　life；　nor　was　he　willing　to　lose　his　conquest　in　this

manner。　　He　endeavored　by　all　means　possible　to　talk　to　me　again

of　love；　but　I　stood　fixed　to　my　resolution　（in　which　I　was

greatly　assisted　by　the　crowd　of　admirers　that　daily　surrounded

me）　never　to　let　him　explain　himself：　　for；　notwithstanding　all

my　pride；　I　found　the　first　impression　the　heart　receives　of　love

is　　so　strong　that　it　requires　the　most　vigilant　care　to　prevent

a　relapse。　　Now　I　lived　three　years　in　a　constant　round　of

diversions；　and　was　made　the　perfect　idol　of　all　the　men　that

came　to　court　of　all　ages　and　all　characters。　　I　had　several　good

matches　offered　me；　but　I　thought　none　of　them　equal　to　my　merit；

and　one　of　my　greatest　pleasures　was　to　see　those　women　who　had

pretended　to　rival　me　often　glad　to　marry　those　whom　I　had

refused。　　Yet；　notwithstanding　this　great　success　of　my　schemes；

I　cannot　say　I　was　perfectly　happy；　for　every　woman　that　was

taken　the　least　notice　of；　and　every　man　that　was　insensible　to

my　arts；　gave　me　as　much　pain　as　all　the　rest　gave　me　pleasure；

and　sometimes　little　underhand　plots　which　were　laid　against　my

designs　would　succeed　in　spite　of　my　care：　　so　that　I　really

began　to　grow　weary　of　this　manner　of　life；　when　my　father；

returning　from　his　embassy　in　France；　took　me　home　with　him；　and

carried　me　to　a　little　pleasant　country…house；　where　there　was

nothing　grand　or　superfluous；　but　everything　neat　and　agreeable。　

There　I　led　a　life　perfectly　solitary。　　At　first　the　time　hung

very　heavy　on　my　hands；　and　I　wanted　all　kind　of　employment；　and

I　had　very　like　to　have　fallen　into　the　height　of　the　vapors；

from　no　other　reason　but　from　want　of　knowing　what　to　do　with

myself。　　But　when　I　had　lived　here　a　little　time　I　found　such　a

calmness　in　my　mind；　and　such　a　difference　between　this　and　the

restless　anxieties　I　had　experienced　in　a　court；　that　I　began　to

share　the　tranquillity　that　visibly　appeared　in　everything　round

me。　　I　set　myself　to　do　works　of　fancy；　and　to　raise　little

flower…gardens；　with　many　such　innocent　　rural　amusements；　which；

although　they　are　not　capable　of　affording　any　great　pleasure；

yet　they　give　that　serene　turn　to　the　mind　which　I　think　much

preferable　to　anything　else　human　nature　is　made　susceptible　of。　

I　now　resolved　to　spend　the　rest　of　my　days　here；　and　that

nothing　should　allure　me　from　that　sweet　retirement；　to　be　again

tossed　about　with　tempestuous　passions　of　any　kind。　　Whilst　I　was

in　this　situation；　my　lord　Percy；　the　earl　of　Northumberland's

eldest　son；　by　an　accident　of　losing　his　way　after　a　fox…chase；

was　met　by　my　father；　about　a　mile　from　our　house；　he　came　home

with　him；　only　with　a　design　of　dining　with　us；　but　was　so　taken

with　me　that　he　stayed　three　days。　　I　had　too　much　experience　in

all　affairs　of　this　kind　not　to　see　presently　the　influence　I　had

on　him；　but　I　was　at　that　time　so　entirely　free　from　all

ambition；　that　even　the　prospect　of　being　a　countess　had　no

effect　on　me；　and　I　then　thought　nothing　in　the　world　could　have

bribed　me　to　have　changed　my　way　of　life。　　This　young　lord；　who

was　just　in　his　bloom；　found　his　passion　so　strong；　he　could　not

endure　a　long　absence；　but　returned　again　in　a　week；　and

endeavored；　by　all　the　means　he　could　think　of；　to　engage　me　to

return　his　affection。　　He　addressed　me　with　that　tenderness　and

respect　which　women　on　earth　think　can　flow　from　nothing　but　real

love；　and　very　often　told　me　that；　unless　he　could　be　so　happy　as

by　his　assiduity　and　care　to　make　himself　agreeable　to　me；

although　he　knew　my　father　would　eagerly　embrace　any　proposal

from　him；　yet　he　would　suffer　that　last　of　miseries　of　never

seeing　me　more　rather　than　owe　his　own　happiness　to　anything　that

might　be　the　least　contradiction　to　my　inclinations。　　This　manner

of　proceeding　had　something　in　it　so　noble　and　generous；　that　by

degrees　it　raised　a　sensation　in　me　which　I　know　not　how　to

describe；　nor　by　what　name　to　call　it：　　it　was　nothing　like　my

former　passion：　　for　there　was　no　turbulence；　no　uneasy　waking

nights　attending　it；　but　all　I　could　with　honor　grant　to　oblige