01-the kreutzer sonata-第18部分

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myself：　'Perhaps　this　is　not　true。　　Perhaps　I　am　mistaken。'　　Now

all　doubt　had　disappeared。　　All　was　decided　irrevocably。　

Secretly；　all　alone　with　him；　at　night！　　It　is　a　violation　of　all

duties！　　Or；　worse　yet；　she　may　make　a　show　of　that　audacity；　of

that　insolence　in　crime；　which；　by　its　excess；　tends　to　prove

innocence。　　All　is　clear。　　No　doubt。　　I　feared　but　one

thing；that　they　might　run　in　different　directions；　that　they

might　invent　some　new　lie；　and　thus　deprive　me　of　material　proof；

and　of　the　sorrowful　joy　of　punishing；　yes；　of　executing　them。



〃And　to　surprise　them　more　quickly；　I　started　on　tiptoe　for　the

dining…room；　not　through　the　parlor；　but　through　the　hall　and　the

children's　rooms。　　In　the　first　room　slept　the　little　boy。　　In

the　second；　the　old　nurse　moved　in　her　bed；　and　seemed　on　the

point　of　waking；　and　I　wondered　what　she　would　think　when　she

knew　all。　　And　pity　for　myself　gave　me　such　a　pang　that　I　could

not　keep　the　tears　back。　　Not　to　wake　the　children；　I　ran　lightly

through　the　hall　into　my　　study。　　I　dropped　upon　the　sofa；　and

sobbed。　'I；　an　honest　man；　I；　the　son　of　my　parents；　who　all　my

life　long　have　dreamed　of　family　happiness；　I　who　have　never

betrayed！　。　。　。　And　here　my　five　children；　and　she　embracing　a

musician　because　he　has　red　lips！　　No；　she　is　not　a　woman！　　She

is　a　bitch；　a　dirty　bitch！　　Beside　the　chamber　of　the　children；

whom　she　had　pretended　to　love　all　her　life！　　And　then　to　think

of　what　she　wrote　me！　　And　how　do　I　know？　　Perhaps　it　has　always

been　thus。　　Perhaps　all　these　children；　supposed　to　be　mine；　are

the　children　of　my　servants。　　And　if　I　had　arrived　to…morrow；　she

would　have　come　to　meet　me　with　her　coiffure；　with　her　corsage；

her　indolent　and　graceful　movements　（and　I　see　her　attractive　and

ignoble　features）；　and　this　jealous　animal　would　have　remained

forever　in　my　heart；　tearing　it。　　What　will　the　old　nurse　say？　

And　Gregor？　　And　the　poor　little　Lise？　　She　already　understands

things。　　And　this　impudence；　this　falsehood；　this　bestial

sensuality；　that　I　know　so　well；'　I　said　to　myself。



〃I　tried　to　rise。　　I　could　not。　　My　heart　was　beating　so

violently　that　I　could　not　hold　myself　upon　my　legs。　　'Yes；　I

shall　die　of　a　rush　of　blood。　　She　will　kill　me。　　That　is　what

she　wants。　　What　is　it　to　her　to　kill？　　But　that　would　be　too

agreeable　to　him；　and　I　will　not　allow　him　to　have　this　pleasure。



Yes；　here　I　am；　and　there　they　are。　　They　are　laughing；　they。　。　。

。　　Yes；　in　spite　of　the　fact　that　she　is　no　longer　in　her　early

youth；　he　has　not　disdained　her。　　At　any　rate；　she　is　by　no　means

ugly；　and　above　all；　not　dangerous　to　his　dear　health；　to　him。　

Why　did　I　not　stifle　her　then？'　said　I　to　myself；　as　I　remembered

that　other　scene　of　the　previous　week；　when　I　drove　her　from　my

study；　and　broke　the　furniture。



〃And　I　recalled　the　state　in　which　I　was　then。　　Not　only　did　I

recall　it；　but　I　again　entered　into　the　same　bestial　state。　　And

suddenly　there　came　to　me　a　desire　to　act；　and　all　reasoning；

except　such　as　was　necessary　to　action；　vanished　from　my　brain；

and　I　was　in　the　condition　of　a　beast；　and　of　a　man　under　the

influence　of　physical　excitement　pending　a　danger；　who　acts

imperturbably；　without　haste；　and　yet　without　losing　a　minute；

pursuing　a　definite　object。



〃The　first　thing　that　I　did　was　to　take　off　my　boots；　and　now；

having　only　stockings　on；　I　advanced　toward　the　wall；　over　the

sofa；　where　firearms　and　daggers　were　hanging；　and　I　took　down　a

curved　Damascus　blade；　which　I　had　never　used；　and　which　was　very

sharp。　　I　took　it　from　its　sheath。　　I　remember　that　the　sheath

fell　upon　the　sofa；　and　that　I　said　to　myself：　'I　must　look　for

it　later；　it　must　not　be　lost。'



〃Then　I　took　off　my　overcoat；　which　I　had　kept　on　all　the　time；

and　with　wolf…like　tread　started　for　THE　ROOM。　　I　do　not　remember

how　I　proceeded；　whether　I　ran　or　went　slowly；　through　what

chambers　I　passed；　how　I　approached　the　dining…room；　how　I　opened

the　door；　how　I　entered。　　I　remember　nothing　about　it。



　

CHAPTER　XXVII。



〃I　Remember　only　the　expression　of　their　faces　when　I　opened　the

door。　　I　remember　that；　because　it　awakened　in　me　a　feeling　of

sorrowful　joy。　　It　was　an　expression　of　terror；　such　as　I

desired。　　Never　shall　I　forget　that　desperate　and　sudden　fright

that　appeared　on　their　faces　when　they　saw　me。　　He；　I　believe；

was　at　the　table；　and；　when　he　saw　or　heard　me；　he　started；

jumped　to　his　feet；　and　retreated　to　the　sideboard。　　Fear　was　the

only　sentiment　that　could　be　read　with　certainty　in　his　face。　　In

hers；　too；　fear　was　to　be　read；　but　accompanied　by　other

impressions。　　And　yet；　if　her　face　had　expressed　only　fear；

perhaps　that　which　happened　would　not　have　happened。　　But　in　the

expression　of　her　face　there　was　at　the　first　momentat　least；　I

thought　I　saw　ita　feeling　of　ennui；　of　discontent；　at　this

disturbance　of　her　love　and　happiness。　　One　would　have　said　that

her　sole　desire　was　not　to　be　disturbed　IN　THE　MOMENT　OF　HER

HAPPINESS。　　But　these　expressions　appeared　upon　their　faces　only

for　a　moment。　　Terror　almost　immediately　gave　place　to

interrogation。　　Would　they　lie　or　not？　　If　yes；　they　must　begin。　

If　not；　something　else　was　going　to　happen。　　But　what？



〃He　gave　her　a　questioning　glance。　　On　her　face　the　expression　of

anguish　and　ennui　changed；　it　seemed　to　me；　when　she　looked　at

him；　into　an　expression　of　anxiety　for　HIM。　　For　a　moment　I　stood

in　the　doorway；　holding　the　dagger　hidden　behind　my　back。　

Suddenly　he　smiled；　and　in　a　voice　that　was　indifferent　almost　to

the　point　of　ridicule；　he　said：



〃'We　were　having　some　music。'



〃'I　did　not　expect；'　she　began　at　the　same　time；　chiming　in

with　the　tone　of　the　other。



〃But　neither　he　nor　she　finished　their　remarks。　　The　same　rage

that　I　had　felt　the　previous　week　took　possession　of　me。　　I　felt

the　need　of　giving　free　course　to　my　violence　and　'the　joy　of

wrath。'



〃No；　they　did　not　finish。　　That　other　thing　was　going　to　begin；

of　which　he　was　afraid；　and　was　going　to　annihilate　what　they

wanted　to　say。　　I　threw　myself　upon　her；　still　hiding　the　dagger；

that　he　might　not　prevent　me　from　striking　where　I　desired；　in

her　bosom；　under　the　breast。　　At　that　moment　he　saw　。　。　。　and；

what　I　did　not　expect　on　his　part；　he　quickly　seized　my　hand；　and

cried：



〃'Come　to　your　senses！　　What　are　you　doing？　　Help！　　Help！'



〃I　tore　my　hands　from　his　grasp；　and　leaped　upon　him。　　I　must

have　been　very　terrible；　for　he　turned　as　white　as　a　sheet；　to

his　lips。　　His　eyes　scintillated　singularly；　andagain　what　I

did　not　expect　of　himhe　scrambled　under　the　piano；　toward　the

other　room。　　I　tried　to　follow　him；　but　a　very　heavy　weight　fell

upon　my　left　arm。　　It　was　she。



〃I　made　an　effort　to　clear　myself。　　She　clung　more　heavily　than

ever；　refusing　to　let　go。　　This　unexpected　obstacle；　this　burden；

and　this　repugnant　touch　only　irritated　me　the　more。　　I　perceived

that　I　was　completely　mad；　that　I　must　be　frightful；　and　I　was

glad　of　it。　　With　a　sudden　impulse；　and　with　all　my　strength；　I

dealt　her；　with　my　left　elbow；　a　blow　squarely　in　the　face。



〃She　uttered　a　cry　and　let　go　my　arm。　　I　wanted　to　follow　the

other；　but　I　felt　that　it　would　be　ridiculous　to　pursue　in　my

stockings　the　lover　of　my　wife；　and　I　did　not　wish　to　be

grotesque；　I　wished　to　be　terrible。　　In　spite　of　my　extreme　rage；

I　was　all　the　time　conscious　of　the　impression　that　I　was　making

upon　others；　and　even　this　impression　partially　guided　me。



〃I　turned　toward　her。　　She　had　fallen　on　the　long　easy　chair；

and；　covering　her　face　at　the　spot　where　I　had　struck　her；　she

looked　at　me。　Her　features　exhibited　fear　and　hatred　toward　me；

her　enemy；　such　as　the　rat　exhibits　when　one　lifts　the　rat…trap。　

At　least；　I　saw　nothing　in　her　but　that　fear　and　hatred；　the　fear

and　hatred　which　love　for　another　had　provoked。　　Perhaps　I　still

should　have　restrained　myself；　and　should　not　have　gone　to　the

last　extremity；　if　she　had　maintained　silence。　　But　suddenly　she

began　to　speak；　she　grasped　my　hand　that　held　the　dagger。



〃'Come　to　your　senses！　　What　are　you　doing？　　What　is　the　matter

with　you？　　Nothing　has　happened；　nothing；　nothing！　　I　swear　it　to

you！'



〃I　might　have　delayed　longer；　but　these　last　words；　from　which　I

inferred　the　contrary　of　what　they　affirmed；that　is；　that

EVERYTHING　had　happened；these　words　called　for　a　reply。　And　the

reply　must　correspond　to　the　condition　into　which　I　had　lashed

myself；　and　which　was　increasing　and　must　continue　to　increase。　

Rage　has　its　laws。



〃'Do　not　lie；　wretch。　　Do　not　lie！'　I　roared。



〃With　my　left　hand　I　seized　her　hands。　　She　disengaged　herself。　

Then；　without　dropping　my　dagger；　I　seized　her　by　the　throat；

forced　her　to　the　floor；　and　began　to　strangle　her。　　With　her　two

hands　she　clutched　mine；　tearing　them　from　her　throat；　stifling。　

Then　I　struck　her　a　blow　with　the　dagger；　in　the　left　side；

between　the　lower　ribs。



〃When　people　say　that　they　do　not　remember　what　they　do　in　a　fit

of　fury；　they　talk　nonsense。　It　is　false。　　I　remember　everything。



I　did　not　lose　my　consciousness　for　a　single　moment。　　The　more　I

lashed　myself　to　fury；　the　clearer　my　mind　became；　and　I　could

not　help　seeing　what　I　did。　　I　cannot　say　that　I　knew　in　advance

what　I　would　do；　but　at　the　moment　when　I　acted；　and　it　seems　to

me　even　a　little　before；　I　knew　what　I　was　doing；　as　if　to　make

it　possible　to　repent；　and　to　be　able　to　say　later　that　I　could

have　stopped。



〃I　knew　that　I　struck　the　blow　between　the　ribs；　and　that　the

dagger　entered。



〃At　the　second　when　I　did　it；　I　knew　that　I　was　performing　a

horrible　act；　such　as　I　had　never　performed；an　act　that　would

have　frightful　consequences。　　My　thought　was　as　quick　as

lightning；　and　the　deed　followed　immediately。　　The　act；　to　my

inner　sense；　had　an　extraordinary　clearness