the mysterious stranger-第22部分

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and　evanescent　present　and　the　solemn　great　deeps　of　the　eternities。　　May
I　trouble　you　for　a　match？'

〃I　said：　'Your　sentiments　do　you　honor；　but　if　you　will　allow　me　to　say
it；　metaphor　is　not　your　best　hold。　　Spare　your　thigh；　this　kind　light
only　on　the　box；　and　seldom　there；　in　fact；　if　my　experience　may　be
trusted。　　But　to　return　to　business：　how　did　you　get　in　here？'

〃'Through　a　second…story　window。'

〃It　was　even　so。　　I　redeemed　the　tinware　at　pawnbroker's　rates；　less　cost
of　advertising；　bade　the　burglar　good…night；　closed　the　window　after　him；
and　retired　to　headquarters　to　report。　　Next　morning　we　sent　for　the
burglar…alarm　man；　and　he　came　up　and　explained　that　the　reason　the　alarm
did　not　'go　off'　was　that　no　part　of　the　house　but　the　first　floor　was
attached　to　the　alarm。　　This　was　simply　idiotic；　one　might　as　well　have
no　armor　on　at　all　in　battle　as　to　have　it　only　on　his　legs。　　The　expert
now　put　the　whole　second　story　on　the　alarm；　charged　three　hundred
dollars　for　it；　and　went　his　way。　　By　and　by；　one　night；　I　found　a
burglar　in　the　third　story；　about　to　start　down　a　ladder　with　a　lot　of
miscellaneous　property。　　My　first　impulse　was　to　crack　his　head　with　a
billiard　cue；　but　my　second　was　to　refrain　from　this　attention；　because
he　was　between　me　and　the　cue　rack。　　The　second　impulse　was　plainly　the
soundest；　so　I　refrained；　and　proceeded　to　compromise。　　I　redeemed　the
property　at　former　rates；　after　deducting　ten　per　cent。　for　use　of
ladder；　it　being　my　ladder；　and；　next　day　we　sent　down　for　the　expert
once　more；　and　had　the　third　story　attached　to　the　alarm；　for　three
hundred　dollars。

〃By　this　time　the　'annunciator'　had　grown　to　formidable　dimensions。　　It
had　forty…seven　tags　on　it；　marked　with　the　names　of　the　various　rooms
and　chimneys；　and　it　occupied　the　space　of　an　ordinary　wardrobe。　　The
gong　was　the　size　of　a　wash…bowl；　and　was　placed　above　the　head　of　our
bed。　　There　was　a　wire　from　the　house　to　the　coachman's　quarters　in　the
stable；　and　a　noble　gong　alongside　his　pillow。

〃We　should　have　been　comfortable　now　but　for　one　defect。　　Every　morning
at　five　the　cook　opened　the　kitchen　door；　in　the　way　of　business；　and　rip
went　that　gong！　　The　first　time　this　happened　I　thought　the　last　day　was
come　sure。　　I　didn't　think　it　in　bedno；　but　out　of　itfor　the　first
effect　of　that　frightful　gong　is　to　hurl　you　across　the　house；　and　slam
you　against　the　wall；　and　then　curl　you　up；　and　squirm　you　like　a　spider
on　a　stove　lid；　till　somebody　shuts　the　kitchen　door。　　In　solid　fact；
there　is　no　clamor　that　is　even　remotely　comparable　to　the　dire　clamor
which　that　gong　makes。　　Well；　this　catastrophe　happened　every　morning
regularly　at　five　o'clock；　and　lost　us　three　hours　sleep；　for；　mind　you；
when　that　thing　wakes　you；　it　doesn't　merely　wake　you　in　spots；　it　wakes
you　all　over；　conscience　and　all；　and　you　are　good　for　eighteen　hours　of
wide…awakeness　subsequentlyeighteen　hours　of　the　very　most
inconceivable　wide…awakeness　that　you　ever　experienced　in　your　life。
A　stranger　died　on　our　hands　one　time；　aid　we　vacated　and　left　him　in　our
room　overnight。　　Did　that　stranger　wait　for　the　general　judgment？　　No；
sir；　he　got　up　at　five　the　next　morning　in　the　most　prompt　and
unostentatious　way。　　I　knew　he　would；　I　knew　it　mighty　well。　　He
collected　his　life…insurance；　and　lived　happy　ever　after；　for　there　was
plenty　of　proof　as　to　the　perfect　squareness　of　his　death。

〃Well；　we　were　gradually　fading　toward　a　better　land；　on　account　of　the
daily　loss　of　sleep；　so　we　finally　had　the　expert　up　again；　and　he　ran　a
wire　to　the　outside　of　the　door；　and　placed　a　switch　there；　whereby
Thomas；　the　butler；　always　made　one　little　mistakehe　switched　the　alarm
off　at　night　when　he　went　to　bed；　and　switched　it　on　again　at　daybreak　in
the　morning；　just　in　time　for　the　cook　to　open　the　kitchen　door；　and
enable　that　gong　to　slam　us　across　the　house；　sometimes　breaking　a　window
with　one　or　the　other　of　us。　　At　the　end　of　a　week　we　recognized　that
this　switch　business　was　a　delusion　and　a　snare。　　We　also　discovered　that
a　band　of　burglars　had　been　lodging　in　the　house　the　whole　timenot
exactly　to　steal；　for　there　wasn't　much　left　now；　but　to　hide　from　the
police；　for　they　were　hot　pressed；　and　they　shrewdly　judged　that　the
detectives　would　never　think　of　a　tribe　of　burglars　taking　sanctuary　in　a
house　notoriously　protected　by　the　most　imposing　and　elaborate　burglar
alarm　in　America。

〃Sent　down　for　the　expert　again；　and　this　time　he　struck　a　most　dazzling
ideahe　fixed　the　thing　so　that　opening　the　kitchen　door　would　take　off
the　alarm。　　It　was　a　noble　idea；　and　he　charged　accordingly。　　But　you
already　foresee　the　result。　　I　switched　on　the　alarm　every　night　at　bed…
time；　no　longer　trusting　on　Thomas's　frail　memory；　and　as　soon　as　the
lights　were　out　the　burglars　walked　in　at　the　kitchen　door；　thus　taking
the　alarm　off　without　waiting　for　the　cook　to　do　it　in　the　morning。　　You
see　how　aggravatingly　we　were　situated。　　For　months　we　couldn't　have　any
company。　　Not　a　spare　bed　in　the　house；　all　occupied　by　burglars。

〃Finally；　I　got　up　a　cure　of　my　own。　　The　expert　answered　the　call；　and
ran　another　ground　wire　to　the　stable；　and　established　a　switch　there；　so
that　the　coachman　could　put　on　and　take　off　the　alarm。　　That　worked　first
rate；　and　a　season　of　peace　ensued；　during　which　we　got　to　inviting
company　once　more　and　enjoying　life。

〃But　by　and　by　the　irrepressible　alarm　invented　a　new　kink。　　One　winter's
night　we　were　flung　out　of　bed　by　the　sudden　music　of　that　awful　gong；
and　when　we　hobbled　to　the　annunciator；　turned　up　the　gas；　and　saw　the
word　'Nursery'　exposed；　Mrs。　McWilliams　fainted　dead　away；　and　I　came
precious　near　doing　the　same　thing　myself。　　I　seized　my　shotgun；　and
stood　timing　the　coachman　whilst　that　appalling　buzzing　went　on。　　I　knew
that　his　gong　had　flung　him　out；　too；　and　that　he　would　be　along　with　his
gun　as　soon　as　he　could　jump　into　his　clothes。　　When　I　judged　that　the
time　was　ripe；　I　crept　to　the　room　next　the　nursery；　glanced　through　the
window；　and　saw　the　dim　outline　of　the　coachman　in　the　yard　below；
standing　at　present…arms　and　waiting　for　a　chance。　　Then　I　hopped　into
the　nursery　and　fired；　and　in　the　same　instant　the　coachman　fired　at　the
red　flash　of　my　gun。　　Both　of　us　were　successful；　I　crippled　a　nurse；　and
he　shot　off　all　my　back　hair。　　We　turned　up　the　gas；　and　telephoned　for　a
surgeon。　　There　was　not　a　sign　of　a　burglar；　and　no　window　had　been
raised。　　One　glass　was　absent；　but　that　was　where　the　coachman's　charge
had　come　through。　　Here　was　a　fine　mysterya　burglar　alarm　'going　off'
at　midnight　of　its　own　accord；　and　not　a　burglar　in　the　neighborhood！

〃The　expert　answered　the　usual　call；　and　explained　that　it　was　a　'False
alarm。'　Said　it　was　easily　fixed。　　So　he　overhauled　the　nursery　window；
charged　a　remunerative　figure　for　it；　and　departed。

〃What　we　suffered　from　false　alarms　for　the　next　three　years　no
stylographic　pen　can　describe。　　During　the　next　three　months　I　always
flew　with　my　gun　to　the　room　indicated；　and　the　coachman　always　sallied
forth　with　his　battery　to　support　me。　　But　there　was　never　anything　to
shoot　atwindows　all　tight　and　secure。　　We　always　sent　down　for　the
expert　next　day；　and　he　fixed　those　particular　windows　so　they　would　keep
quiet　a　week　or　so；　and　always　remembered　to　send　us　a　bill　about　like
this：

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　　　　　　　　　　Railroad　fares。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。　7。25


〃At　length　a　perfectly　natural　thing　came　aboutafter　we　had　answered
three　or　four　hundred　false　alarmsto　wit；　we　stopped　answering　them。
Yes；　I　simply　rose　up　calmly；　when　slammed　across　the　house　by　the　alarm；
calmly　inspected　the　annunciator；　took　note　of　the　room　indicated；　and
then　calmly　disconnected　that　room　from　the　alarm；　and　went　back　to　bed
as　if　nothing　had　happened。　　Moreover；　I　left　that　room　off　permanently；
and　did　not　send　for　the　expert。　　Well；　it　goes　without　saying　that　in
the　course　of　time　all　the　rooms　were　taken　off；　and　the　entire　machine
was　out　of　service。

〃It　was　at　this　unprotected　time　that　the　heaviest　calamity　of　all
happened。　　The　burglars　walked　in　one　night　and　carried　off　the　burglar
alarm！　yes；　sir；　every　hide　and　hair　of　it：　ripped　it　out；　tooth　and
nail；　springs；　bells；　gongs；　battery；　and　all；　they　took　a　hundred　and
fifty　miles　of　copper　wire；　they　just　cleaned　her　out；　bag　and　baggage；
and　never　left　us　a　vestige　of　her　to　swear　atswear　by；　I　mean。

〃We　had　a　time　of　it　to　get　her　back；　but　we　accomplished　it　finally；　for
money。　　The　alarm　firm　said　that　what　we　needed　now　was　to　have　her　put
in　rightwith　their　new　patent　springs　in　the　windows　to　make　false
alarms　impossible；　and　their　new　patent　clock　attached　to　take　off　and
put　on　the　alarm　morning　and　night　without　human　assistance。　　That　seemed
a　good　scheme。　　They　promised　to　have　the　whole　thing　finished　in　ten
days。　　They　began　work；　and　we　left　for　the　summer。　　They　worked　a　couple
of　days；　then　they　left　for　the　summer。　　After　which　the　burglars　moved
in；　and　began　their　summer　vacation。　　When　we　returned　in　the　fall；　the
house　was　as　empty　as　a　beer　closet　in　premises　where　painters　have　been
at　work。　　We　refurnished；　and　then　sent　down　to　hurry　up　the　expert。　　He
came　up　and　finished　the　job；　and　said：　'Now　this　clock　is　set　to　put　on
the　alarm　every　night　at　10；　and　take　it　off　every　morning　at　5：45。　　All
you've　got　to　do　is　to　wind　her　up　every　week；　and　then　leave　her　alone
she　will　take　care　of　the　alarm　herself。'

〃After　that　we　had　a　most　tranquil　season　during　three　months。　　The　bill
w