a house-boat on the styx-第3部分

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bowed　stiffly　at　Doctor　Johnson；　as　though　he　hardly　approved　of　him；

extended　his　left　hand　to　Shakespeare；　and　stared　coldly　at　Nero。



〃Did　you　send　for　me；　William？〃　he　asked；　languidly。



〃I　did；〃　said　Shakespeare。　　〃I　sent　for　you　because　this　imperial

violinist　here　says　that　you　wrote　Othello。〃



〃What　nonsense；〃　said　Bacon。　　〃The　only　plays　of　yours　I　wrote　were

Ham〃



〃Sh！〃　said　Shakespeare；　shaking　his　head　madly。　　〃Hush。　　Nobody's

said　anything　about　that。　　This　is　purely　a　discussion　of　Othello。〃



〃The　fiddling　ex…Emperor　Nero；〃　said　Bacon；　loudly　enough　to　be　heard

all　about　the　room；　〃is　mistaken　when　he　attributes　Othello　to　me。〃



〃Aha；　Master　Nero！〃　cried　Shakespeare　triumphantly。　　〃What　did　I　tell

you？〃



〃Then　I　erred；　that　is　all；〃　said　Nero。　　〃And　I　apologize。　　But

really；　my　Lord；〃　he　added；　addressing　Bacon；　〃I　fancied　I　detected

your　fine　Italian　hand　in　that。〃



〃No。　　I　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　Othello；〃　said　Bacon。　　〃I　never

really　knew　who　wrote　it。〃



〃Never　mind　about　that；〃　whispered　Shakespeare。　　〃You've　said

enough。〃



〃That's　good　too；〃　said　Nero；　with　a　chuckle。　　〃Shakespeare　here

claims　it　as　his　own。〃



Bacon　smiled　and　nodded　approvingly　at　the　blushing　Avonian。



〃Will　always　was　having　his　little　joke；〃　he　said。　　〃Eh；　Will？　　How

we　fooled　'em　on　Hamlet；　eh；　my　boy？　　Ha…ha…ha！　　It　was　the　greatest

joke　of　the　century。〃



〃Well；　the　laugh　is　on　you；〃　said　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃If　you　wrote

Hamlet　and　didn't　have　the　sense　to　acknowledge　it；　you　present　to　my

mind　a　closer　resemblance　to　Simple　Simon　than　to　Socrates。　　For　my

part；　I　don't　believe　you　did　write　it；　and　I　do　believe　that

Shakespeare　did。　　I　can　tell　that　by　the　spelling　in　the　original

edition。〃



〃Shakespeare　was　my　stenographer；　gentlemen；〃　said　Lord　Bacon。　　〃If

you　want　to　know　the　whole　truth；　he　did　write　Hamlet；　literally。

But　it　was　at　my　dictation。〃



〃I　deny　it；〃　said　Shakespeare。　　〃I　admit　you　gave　me　a　suggestion　now

and　then　so　as　to　keep　it　dull　and　heavy　in　spots；　so　that　it　would

seem　more　like　a　real　tragedy　than　a　comedy　punctuated　with　deaths；

but　beyond　that　you　had　nothing　to　do　with　it。〃



〃I　side　with　Shakespeare；〃　put　in　Emerson。　　〃I've　seen　his

autographs；　and　no　sane　person　would　employ　a　man　who　wrote　such　a

villanously　bad　hand　as　an　amanuensis。　　It's　no　use；　Bacon；　we　know　a

thing　or　two。　　I'm　a　New…Englander；　I　am。〃



〃Well；〃　said　Bacon；　shrugging　his　shoulders　as　though　the　results　of

the　controversy　were　immaterial　to　him；　〃have　it　so　if　you　please。

There　isn't　any　money　in　Shakespeare　these　days；　so　what's　the　use　of

quarrelling？　　I　wrote　Hamlet；　and　Shakespeare　knows　it。　　Others　know

it。　　Ah；　here　comes　Sir　Walter　Raleigh。　　We'll　leave　it　to　him。　　He

was　cognizant　of　the　whole　affair。〃



〃I　leave　it　to　nobody；〃　said　Shakespeare；　sulkily。



〃What's　the　trouble？〃　asked　Raleigh；　sauntering　up　and　taking　a　chair

under　the　cue…rack。　　〃Talking　politics？〃



〃Not　we；〃　said　Bacon。　　〃It's　the　old　question　about　the　authorship　of

Hamlet。　　Will；　as　usual；　claims　it　for　himself。　　He'll　be　saying　he

wrote　Genesis　next。〃



〃Well；　what　if　he　does？〃　laughed　Raleigh。　　〃We　all　know　Will　and　his

droll　ways。〃



〃No　doubt；〃　put　in　Nero。　　〃But　the　question　of　Hamlet　always　excites

him　so　that　we'd　like　to　have　it　settled　once　and　for　all　as　to　who

wrote　it。　　Bacon　says　you　know。〃



〃I　do；〃　said　Raleigh。



〃Then　settle　it　once　and　for　all；〃　said　Bacon。　　〃I'm　rather　tired　of

the　discussion　myself。〃



〃Shall　I　tell　'em；　Shakespeare？〃　asked　Raleigh。



〃It's　immaterial　to　me；〃　said　Shakespeare；　airily。　　〃If　you　wish

only　tell　the　truth。〃



〃Very　well；〃　said　Raleigh；　lighting　a　cigar。　　〃I'm　not　ashamed　of　it。

I　wrote　the　thing　myself。〃



There　was　a　roar　of　laughter　which；　when　it　subsided；　found

Shakespeare　rapidly　disappearing　through　the　door；　while　all　the

others　in　the　room　ordered　various　beverages　at　the　expense　of　Lord

Bacon。







CHAPTER　III：　　WASHINGTON　GIVES　A　DINNER







It　was　Washington's　Birthday；　and　the　gentleman　who　had　the　pleasure

of　being　Father　of　his　Country　decided　to　celebrate　it　at　the

Associated　Shades'　floating　palace　on　the　Styx；　as　the　Elysium　Weekly

Gossip；　〃a　Journal　of　Society；〃　called　it；　by　giving　a　dinner　to　a

select　number　of　friends。　　Among　the　invited　guests　were　Baron

Munchausen；　Doctor　Johnson；　Confucius；　Napoleon　Bonaparte；　Diogenes；

and　Ptolemy。　　Boswell　was　also　present；　but　not　as　a　guest。　　He　had　a

table　off　to　one　side　all　to　himself；　and　upon　it　there　were　no　china

plates；　silver　spoons；　knives；　forks；　and　dishes　of　fruit；　but　pads；

pens；　and　ink　in　great　quantity。　　It　was　evident　that　Boswell's

reportorial　duties　did　not　end　with　his　labors　in　the　mundane　sphere。



The　dinner　was　set　down　to　begin　at　seven　o'clock；　so　that　the

guests；　as　was　proper；　sauntered　slowly　in　between　that　hour　and

eight。　　The　menu　was　particularly　choice；　the　shades　of　countless

canvas…back　ducks；　terrapin；　and　sheep　having　been　called　into

requisition；　and　cooked　by　no　less　a　person　than　Brillat…Savarin；　in

the　hottest　oven　he　could　find　in　the　famous　cooking　establishment

superintended　by　the　government。　　Washington　was　on　hand　early；

sampling　the　olives　and　the　celery　and　the　wines；　and　giving　to

Charon　final　instructions　as　to　the　manner　in　which　he　wished　things

served。



The　first　guest　to　arrive　was　Confucius；　and　after　him　came　Diogenes；

the　latter　in　great　excitement　over　having　discovered　a　comparatively

honest　man；　whose　name；　however；　he　had　not　been　able　to　ascertain；

though　he　was　under　the　impression　that　it　was　something　like　Burpin；

or　Turpin；　he　said。



At　eight　the　brilliant　company　was　arranged　comfortably　about　the

board。　　An　orchestra　of　five；　under　the　leadership　of　Mozart；

discoursed　sweet　music　behind　a　screen；　and　the　feast　of　reason　and

flow　of　soul　began。



〃This　is　a　great　day；〃　said　Doctor　Johnson；　assisting　himself

copiously　to　the　olives。



〃Yes；〃　said　Columbus；　who　was　also　a　guest〃yes；　it　is　a　great　day；

but　it　isn't　a　marker　to　a　little　day　in　October　I　wot　of。〃



〃Still　sore　on　that　point？〃　queried　Confucius；　trying　the　edge　of　his

knife　on　the　shade　of　a　salted　almond。



〃Oh　no；〃　said　Columbus；　calmly。　　〃I　don't　feel　jealous　of　Washington。

He　is　the　Father　of　his　Country　and　I　am　not。　　I　only　discovered　the

orphan。　　I　knew　the　country　before　it　had　a　father　or　a　mother。

There　wasn't　anybody　who　was　willing　to　be　even　a　sister　to　it　when　I

knew　it。　　But　G。　W。　here　took　it　in　hand；　groomed　it　down；　spanked　it

when　it　needed　it；　and　started　it　off　on　the　career　which　has　made　it

worth　while　for　me　to　let　my　name　be　known　in　connection　with　it。

Why　should　I　be　jealous　of　him？〃



〃I　am　sure　I　don't　know　why　anybody　anywhere　should　be　jealous　of

anybody　else　anyhow；〃　said　Diogenes。　　〃I　never　was　and　I　never　expect

to　be。　　Jealousy　is　a　quality　that　is　utterly　foreign　to　the　nature

of　an　honest　man。　　Take　my　own　case；　for　instance。　　When　I　was　what

they　call　alive；　how　did　I　live？〃



〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Doctor　Johnson；　turning　his　head　as　he　spoke　so

that　Boswell　could　not　fail　to　hear。　　〃I　wasn't　there。〃



Boswell　nodded　approvingly；　chuckled　slightly；　and　put　the　Doctor's

remark　down　for　publication　in　The　Gossip。



〃You're　doubtless　right；　there；〃　retorted　Diogenes。　　〃What　you　don't

know　would　fill　a　circulating　library。　　WellI　lived　in　a　tub。　　Now；

if　I　believed　in　envy；　I　suppose　you　think　I'd　be　envious　of　people

who　live　in　brownstone　fronts　with　back　yards　and　mortgages；　eh？〃



〃I'd　rather　live　under　a　mortgage　than　in　a　tub；〃　said　Bonaparte；

contemptuously。



〃I　know　you　would；〃　said　Diogenes。　　〃Mortgages　never　bothered　you

but　I　wouldn't。　　In　the　first　place；　my　tub　was　warm。　　I　never　saw　a

house　with　a　brownstone　front　that　was；　except　in　summer；　and　then

the　owner　cursed　it　because　it　was　so。　　My　tub　had　no　plumbing　in　it

to　get　out　of　order。　　It　hadn't　any　flights　of　stairs　in　it　that　had

to　be　climbed　after　dinner；　or　late　at　night　when　I　came　home　from

the　club。　　It　had　no　front　door　with　a　wandering　key…hole　calculated

to　elude　the　key　ninety…nine　times　out　of　every　hundred　efforts　to

bring　the　two　together　and　reconcile　their　differences；　in　order　that

their　owner　may　get　into　his　own　house　late　at　night。　　It　wasn't

chained　down　to　any　particular　neighborhood；　as　are　most　brownstone

fronts。　　If　the　neighborhood　ran　down；　I　could　move　my　tub　off　into　a

better　neighborhood；　and　it　never　lost　value　through　the

deterioration　of　its　location。　　I　never　had　to　pay　taxes　on　it；　and

no　burglar　was　ever　so　hard　up　that　he　thought　of　breaking　into　my

habitation　to　rob　me。　　So　why　should　I　be　jealous　of　the　brownstone…

house　dwellers？　　I　am　a　philosopher；　gentlemen。　　I　tell　you；

philosophy　is　the　thief　of　jealousy；　and　I　had　the　good…luck　to　find

it　out　early　in　life。〃



〃There　is　much　in　what　you　say；〃　said　Confucius。　　〃But　there's

another　side　to　the　matter。　　If　a　man　is　an　aristocrat　by　nature；　as

I　was；　his　neighborhood　never　could　run　down。　　Wherever　he　lived

would　be　the　swell　section；　so　that　really　your　last　argument　isn't

worth　a　stewed　icicle。〃



〃Stewed　icicles　are　pretty　good；　though；〃　said　Baron　Munchausen；　with

an　ecstatic　smack　of　his　lips。　　〃I've　eaten　them　many　a　time　in　the

polar　regions。〃



〃I　have　no　doubt　of　it；〃　put　in　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃You've　eaten　fried

pyramids　in　Africa；　too；　haven't　you？〃



〃Only　once；〃　said　the　Baron；　calmly。　　〃And　I　can't　say　I　enjoyed

them。　　They　are　rather　heavy　for　the　digestion。〃



〃That's　so；〃　said　Ptolemy。　　〃I've　had　experience　with　pyramids

myself。〃



〃You　never　ate　one；　did　you；　Ptolemy？〃　queried　Bonaparte。



〃Not　raw；〃　said　Ptolemy；　with　a　chuckle。　　〃Though　I've　been　tempted

many　a　time　to　call　for　a　second　joint　of　the　Sp