a house-boat on the styx-第5部分

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the　venerable　patriarch　Noah　and　the　late　eminent　showman　P。　T。

Barnum。　　The　question　to　be　debated　was　upon　the　resolution　passed　by

the　committee；　that　〃The　Animals　of　the　Antediluvian　Period　were　Far

More　Attractive　for　Show　Purposes　than　those　of　Modern　Make；〃　and；

singular　to　relate；　the　affirmative　was　placed　in　the　hands　of　Mr。

Barnum；　while　to　Noah　had　fallen　the　task　of　upholding　the　virtues　of

the　modern　freak。　　It　is　with　the　party　on　mere　pleasure　bent　that　we

have　to　do　upon　this　occasion。　　The　proceedings　of　the　debating…party

are　as　yet　in　the　hands　of　the　official　stenographer；　but　will　be

made　public　as　soon　as　they　are　ready。



The　pleasure…seeking　group　were　gathered　in　the　smoking…room　of　the

club；　which　was；　indeed；　a　smoking…room　of　a　novel　sort；　the

invention　of　an　unknown　shade；　who　had　sold　all　the　rights　to　the

club　through　a　third　party；　anonymously；　preferring；　it　seemed；　to

remain　in　the　Elysian　world；　as　he　had　been　in　the　mundane　sphere；　a

mute　inglorious　Edison。　　It　was　a　simple　enough　scheme；　and；　for　a

wonder；　no　one　in　the　world　of　substantialities　has　thought　to　take

it　up。　　The　smoke　was　stored　in　reservoirs；　just　as　if　it　were　so

much　gas　or　water；　and　was　supplied　on　the　hot…air　furnace　principle

from　a　huge　furnace　in　the　hold　of　the　house…boat；　into　which　tobacco

was　shovelled　by　the　hired　man　of　the　club　night　and　day。　　The　smoke

from　the　furnace；　carried　through　flues　to　the　smoking…room；　was

there　received　and　stored　in　the　reservoirs；　with　each　of　which　was

connected　one　dozen　rubber　tubes；　having　at　their　ends　amber　mouth…

pieces。　　Upon　each　of　these　mouth…pieces　was　arranged　a　small　meter

registering　the　amount　of　smoke　consumed　through　it；　and　for　this　the

consumer　paid　so　much　a　foot。　　The　value　of　the　plan　was　threefold。

It　did　away　entirely　with　ashes；　it　saved　to　the　consumers　the　value

of　the　unconsumed　tobacco　that　is　represented　by　the　unsmoked　cigar

ends；　and　it　averted　the　possibility　of　cigarettes。



Enjoying　the　benefits　of　this　arrangement　upon　the　evening　in

question　were　Shakespeare；　Cicero；　Henry　VIII。；　Doctor　Johnson；　and

others。　　Of　course　Boswell　was　present　too；　for　a　moment；　with　his

note…book；　and　this　fact　evoked　some　criticism　from　several　of　the

smokers。



〃You　ought　to　be　up…stairs　in　the　lecture…room；　Boswell；〃　said

Shakespeare；　as　the　great　biographer　took　his　seat　behind　his　friend

the　Doctor。　　〃Doesn't　the　Gossip　want　a　report　of　the　debate？〃



〃It　does；〃　said　Boswell；　〃but　the　Gossip　endeavors　always　to　get　the

most　interesting　items　of　the　day；　and　Doctor　Johnson　has　informed　me

that　he　expects　to　be　unusually　witty　this　evening；　so　I　have　come

here。〃



〃Excuse　me　for　saying　it；　Boswell；〃　said　the　Doctor；　getting　red　in

the　face　over　this　unexpected　confession；　〃but；　really；　you　talk　too

much。〃



〃That's　good；〃　said　Cicero。　　〃Stick　that　down；　Boz；　and　print　it。

It's　the　best　thing　Johnson　has　said　this　week。〃



Boswell　smiled　weakly；　and　said：　　〃But；　Doctor；　you　did　say　that；　you

know。　　I　can　prove　it；　too；　for　you　told　me　some　of　the　things　you

were　going　to　say。　　Don't　you　remember；　you　were　going　to　lead

Shakespeare　up　to　making　the　remark　that　he　thought　the　English

language　was　the　greatest　language　in　creation；　whereupon　you　were

going　to　ask　him　why　he　didn't　learn　it？〃



〃Get　out　of　here；　you　idiot！〃　roared　the　Doctor。　　〃You're　enough　to

give　a　man　apoplexy。〃



〃You're　not　going　back　on　the　ladder　by　which　you　have　climbed；　are

you；　Samuel？〃　queried　Boswell；　earnestly。



〃The　wha…a…t？〃　cried　the　Doctor；　angrily。　　〃The　ladderon　which　I

climbed？　　You？　　Great　heavens！　　That　it　should　come　to　this！　。　。　。

Leave　the　roominstantly！　　Ladder！　　By　all　that　is　beautifulthe

ladder　upon　which　I；　Samuel　Johnson；　the　tallest　person　in　letters；

have　climbed！　　Go！　　Do　you　hear？〃



Boswell　rose　meekly；　and；　with　tears　coursing　down　his　cheeks；　left

the　room。



〃That's　one　on　you；　Doctor；〃　said　Cicero；　wrapping　his　toga　about

him。　　〃I　think　you　ought　to　order　up　three　baskets　of　champagne　on

that。〃



〃I'll　order　up　three　baskets　full　of　Boswell's　remains　if　he　ever

dares　speak　like　that　again！〃　retorted　the　Doctor；　shaking　with

anger。　　〃Hemy　ladderwhy；　it's　ridiculous。〃



〃Yes；〃　said　Shakespeare；　dryly。　　〃That's　why　we　laugh。〃



〃You　were　a　little　hard　on　him；　Doctor；〃　said　Henry　VIII。　　〃He　was　a

valuable　man　to　you。　　He　had　a　great　eye　for　your　greatness。〃



〃Yes。　　If　there's　any　feature　of　Boswell　that's　greater　than　his　nose

and　ears；　it's　his　great　I；〃　said　the　Doctor。



〃You'd　rather　have　him　change　his　I　to　a　U；　I　presume；〃　said

Napoleon；　quietly。



The　Doctor　waved　his　hand　impatiently。　　〃Let's　drop　him；〃　he　said。

〃Dropping　one's　biographer　isn't　without　precedent。　　As　soon　as　any

man　ever　got　to　know　Napoleon　well　enough　to　write　him　up　he　sent　him

to　the　front；　where　he　could　get　a　little　lead　in　his　system。〃



〃I　wish　I　had　had　a　Boswell　all　the　same；〃　said　Shakespeare。　　〃Then

the　world　would　have　known　the　truth　about　me。〃



〃It　wouldn't　if　he'd　relied　on　your　word　for　it；〃　retorted　the

Doctor。　　〃Hullo！　here's　Hamlet。〃



As　the　Doctor　spoke；　in　very　truth　the　melancholy　Dane　appeared　in

the　doorway；　more　melancholy　of　aspect　than　ever。



〃What's　the　matter　with　you？〃　asked　Cicero；　addressing　the　new…comer。

〃Haven't　you　got　that　poison　out　of　your　system　yet？〃



〃Not　entirely；〃　said　Hamlet；　with　a　sigh；　〃but　it　isn't　that　that's

bothering　me。　　It's　Fate。〃



〃We'll　get　out　an　injunction　against　Fate　if　you　like；〃　said

Blackstone。　　〃Is　it　persecution；　or　have　you　deserved　it？〃



〃I　think　it's　persecution；〃　said　Hamlet。　　〃I　never　wronged　Fate　in　my

life；　and　why　she　should　pursue　me　like　a　demon　through　all　eternity

is　a　thing　I　can't　understand。〃



〃Maybe　Ophelia　is　back　of　it；〃　suggested　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃These

women　have　a　great　deal　of　sympathy　for　each　other；　and；　candidly；　I

think　you　behaved　pretty　rudely　to　Ophelia。　　It's　a　poor　way　to　show

your　love　for　a　young　woman；　running　a　sword　through　her　father　every

night　for　pay；　and　driving　the　girl　to　suicide　with　equal　frequency；

just　to　show　theatre…goers　what　a　smart　little　Dane　you　can　be　if　you

try。〃



〃'Tisn't　me　does　all　that；〃　returned　Hamlet。　　〃I　only　did　it　once；

and　even　then　it　wasn't　as　bad　as　Shakespeare　made　it　out　to　be。〃



〃I　put　it　down　just　as　it　was；〃　said　Shakespeare；　hotly；　〃and　you

can't　dispute　it。〃



〃Yes；　he　can；〃　said　Yorick。　　〃You　made　him　tell　Horatio　he　knew　me

well；　and　he　never　met　me　in　his　life。〃



〃I　never　told　Horatio　anything　of　the　sort；〃　said　Hamlet。　　〃I　never

entered　the　graveyard　even；　and　I　can　prove　an　alibi。〃



〃And；　what's　more；　he　couldn't　have　made　the　remark　the　way

Shakespeare　has　it；　anyhow；〃　said　Yorick；　〃and　for　a　very　good

reason。　　I　wasn't　buried　in　that　graveyard；　and　Hamlet　and　I　can

prove　an　alibi　for　the　skull；　too。〃



〃It　was　a　good　play；　just　the　same；〃　said　Cicero。



〃Very；〃　put　in　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃It　cured　me　of　insomnia。〃



〃Well；　if　you　don't　talk　in　your　sleep；　the　play　did　a　Christian

service　to　the　world；〃　retorted　Shakespeare。　　〃But；　really；　Hamlet；　I

thought　I　did　the　square　thing　by　you　in　that　play。　　I　meant　to；

anyhow；　and　if　it　has　made　you　unhappy；　I'm　honestly　sorry。〃



〃Spoken　like　a　man；〃　said　Yorick。



〃I　don't　mind　the　play　so　much；〃　said　Hamlet；　〃but　the　way　I'm

represented　by　these　fellows　who　play　it　is　the　thing　that　rubs　me

the　wrong　way。　　Why；　I　even　hear　that　there's　a　troupe　out　in　the

western　part　of　the　United　States　that　puts　the　thing　on　with　three

Hamlets；　two　ghosts；　and　a　pair　of　blood…hounds。　　It's　called　the

Uncle…Tom…Hamlet　Combination；　and　instead　of　my　falling　in　love　with

one　crazy　Ophelia；　I　am　made　to　woo　three　dusky　maniacs　named　Topsy

on　a　canvas　ice…floe；　while　the　blood…hounds　bark　behind　the　scenes。

What　sort　of　treatment　is　that　for　a　man　of　royal　lineage？〃



〃It's　pretty　rough；〃　said　Napoleon。　　〃As　the　poet　ought　to　have　said；

'Oh；　Hamlet；　Hamlet；　what　crimes　are　committed　in　thy　name！'〃



〃I　feel　as　badly　about　the　play　as　Hamlet　does；〃　said　Shakespeare；

after　a　moment　of　silent　thought。　　〃I　don't　bother　much　about　this

wild　Western　business；　though；　because　I　think　the　introduction　of

the　bloodhounds　and　the　Topsies　makes　us　both　more　popular　in　that

region　than　we　should　be　otherwise。　　What　I　object　to　is　the　way　we

are　treated　by　these　so…called　first…class　intellectual　actors　in

London　and　other　great　cities。　　I've　seen　Hamlet　done　before　a　highly

cultivated　audience；　and；　by　Jove；　it　made　me　blush。〃



〃Me　too；〃　sighed　Hamlet。　　〃I　have　seen　a　man　who　had　a　walk　on　him

that　suggested　spring…halt　and　locomotor　ataxia　combined

impersonating　my　graceful　self　in　a　manner　that　drove　me　almost

crazy。　　I've　heard　my　'To　be　or　not　to　be'　soliloquy　uttered　by　a

famous　tragedian　in　tones　that　would　make　a　graveyard　yawn　at　mid…

day；　and　if　there　was　any　way　in　which　I　could　get　even　with　that　man

I'd　do　it。〃



〃It　seems　to　me；〃　said　Blackstone；　assuming　for　the　moment　a　highly

judicial　manner〃it　seems　to　me　that　Shakespeare；　having　got　you

into　this　trouble；　ought　to　get　you　out　of　it。〃



〃But　how？〃　said　Shakespeare；　earnestly。　　〃That's　the　point。　　Heaven

knows　I'm　willing　enough。〃



Hamlet's　face　suddenly　brightened　as　though　illuminated　with　an　idea。

Then　he　began　to　dance　about　the　room　with　an　expression　of　glee　that

annoyed　Doctor　Johnson　exceedingly。



〃I　wish　Darwin　could　see　you　now；〃　the　Doctor　growled。　　〃A　kodak

picture　of　you　would　prove　his　arguments　conclusively。〃



〃Rail　on；　O　philosopher！〃　retorted　Hamlet。　　〃Rail　on！　　I　mind　your

railings　not；　for　I　the　germ　of　an　idea　have　got。〃



〃Well；　go　quarantine　yourself；〃　said　the　Doctor。　　〃I'd　hate　to　have

one　of　your　idea　microbes　get　hold　of　me。〃



〃What's　the　scheme？〃　asked　Shakespear