a house-boat on the styx-第6部分

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one　of　your　idea　microbes　get　hold　of　me。〃



〃What's　the　scheme？〃　asked　Shakespeare。



〃You　can　write　a　play　for　ME！〃　cried　Hamlet。　　〃Make　it　a　farce…

tragedy。　　Take　the　modern　player　for　your　hero；　and　let　ME　play　HIM。

I'll　bait　him　through　four　acts。　　I'll　imitate　his　walk。　　I'll

cultivate　his　voice。　　We'll　have　the　first　act　a　tank　act；　and　drop

the　hero　into　the　tank。　　The　second　act　can　be　in　a　saw…mill；　and　we

can　cut　his　hair　off　on　a　buzz…saw。　　The　third　act　can　introduce　a

spile…driver　with　which　to　drive　his　hat　over　his　eyes　and　knock　his

brains　down　into　his　lungs。　　The　fourth　act　can　be　at　Niagara　Falls；

and　we'll　send　him　over　the　falls；　and　for　a　grand　climax　we　can　have

him　guillotined　just　after　he　has　swallowed　a　quart　of　prussic　acid

and　a　spoonful　of　powdered　glass。　　Do　that　for　me；　William；　and　you

are　forgiven。　　I'll　play　it　for　six　hundred　nights　in　London；　for　two

years　in　New　York；　and　round　up　with　a　one…night　stand　in　Boston。〃



〃It　sounds　like　a　good　scheme；〃　said　Shakespeare；　meditatively。

〃What　shall　we　call　it？〃



〃Call　it　Irving；〃　said　Eugene　Aram；　who　had　entered。　　〃I　too　have

suffered。〃



〃And　let　me　be　Hamlet's　understudy；〃　said　Charles　the　First；

earnestly。



〃Done！〃　said　Shakespeare；　calling　for　a　pad　and　pencil。



And　as　the　sun　rose　upon　the　Styx　the　next　morning　the　Bard　of　Avon

was　to　be　seen　writing　a　comic　chorus　to　be　sung　over　the　moribund

tragedian　by　the　shades　of　Charles；　Aram；　and　other　eminent　deceased

heroes　of　the　stage；　with　which　his　new　play　of　Irving　was　to　be

brought　to　an　appropriate　close。



This　play　has　not　as　yet　found　its　way　upon　the　boards；　but　any

enterprising　manager　who　desires　to　consider　it　may　address



Hamlet；

The　House…Boat；

Hades…on…the…Styx。



He　is　sure　to　get　a　reply　by　return　mail；　unless　Mephistopheles

interferes；　which　is　not　unlikely；　since　Mephistopheles　is　said　to

have　been　much　pleased　with　the　manner　in　which　the　eminent　tragedian

has　put　him　before　the　British　and　American　public。







CHAPTER　V：　　THE　HOUSE　COMMITTEE　DISCUSS　THE　POETS







〃There's　one　thing　this　house…boat　needs；〃　wrote　Homer　in　the

complaint…book　that　adorned　the　centre…table　in　the　reading…room；

〃and　that　is　a　Poets'　Corner。　　There　are　smoking…rooms　for　those　who

smoke；　billiard…rooms　for　those　who　play　billiards；　and　a　card…room

for　those　who　play　cards。　　I　do　not　smoke；　I　can't　play　billiards；

and　I　do　not　know　a　trey　of　diamonds　from　a　silver　salver。　　All　I　can

do　is　write　poetry。　　Why　discriminate　against　me？　　By　all　means　let

us　have　a　Poets'　Corner；　where　a　man　can　be　inspired　in　peace。〃



For　four　days　this　entry　lay　in　the　book　apparently　unnoticed。　　On

the　fifth　day　the　following　lines；　signed　by　Samson；　appeared：



〃I　approve　of　Homer's　suggestion。　　There　should　be　a　Poets'　Corner

here。　　Then　the　rest　of　us　could　have　some　comfort。　　While　playing

vingt…et…un　with　Diogenes　in　the　card…room　on　Friday　evening　a　poetic

member　of　this　club　was　taken　with　a　most　violent　fancy；　and　it

required　the　combined　efforts　of　Diogenes　and　myself；　assisted　by　the

janitor；　to　remove　the　frenzied　and　objectionable　member　from　the

room。　　The　habit　some　of　our　poets　have　acquired　of　giving　way　to

their　inspirations　all　over　the　club…house　should　be　stopped；　and　I

know　of　no　better　way　to　accomplish　this　desirable　end　than　by　the

adoption　of　Homer's　suggestion。　　Therefore　I　second　the　motion。〃



Of　course　the　suggestion　of　two　members　so　prominent　as　Homer　and

Samson　could　not　well　he　ignored　by　the　house　committee；　and　it

reluctantly　took　the　subject　in　hand　at　an　early　meeting。



〃I　find　here；〃　said　Demosthenes　to　the　chairman；　as　the　committee

gathered；　〃a　suggestion　from　Homer　and　Samson　that　this　house…boat　be

provided　with　a　Poets'　Corner。　　I　do　not　know　that　I　approve　of　the

suggestion　myself；　but　in　order　to　bring　it　before　the　committee　for

debate　I　am　willing　to　make　a　motion　that　the　request　be　granted。〃



〃Excuse　me；〃　put　in　Doctor　Johnson；　〃but　where　do　you　find　that

suggestion？　　'Here'　is　not　very　definite。　　Where　IS　'here'？〃



〃In　the　complaint…book；　which　I　hold　in　my　hand；〃　returned

Demosthenes；　putting　a　pebble　in　his　mouth　so　that　he　might　enunciate

more　clearly。



A　frown　ruffled　the　serenity　of　Doctor　Johnson's　brow。



〃In　the　complaint…book；　eh？〃　he　said；　slowly。　　〃I　thought　house

committees　were　not　expected　to　pay　any　attention　to　complaints　in

complaint…books。　　I　never　heard　of　its　being　done　before。〃



〃Well；　I　can't　say　that　I　have　either；〃　replied　Demosthenes；　chewing

thoughtfully　on　the　pebble；　〃but　I　suppose　complaint…books　are　the

places　for　complaints。　　You　don't　expect　people　to　write　serial

stories　or　dialect　poems　in　them；　do　you？〃



〃That　isn't　the　point；　as　the　man　said　to　the　assassin　who　tried　to

stab　him　with　the　hilt　of　his　dagger；〃　retorted　Doctor　Johnson；　with

some　asperity。　　〃Of　course；　complaint…books　are　for　the　reception　of

complaintsnobody　disputes　that。　　What　I　want　to　have　determined　is

whether　it　is　necessary　or　proper　for　the　complaints　to　go　further。〃



〃I　fancy　we　have　a　legal　right　to　take　the　matter　up；〃　said

Blackstone；　wearily；　〃though　I　don't　know　of　any　precedent　for　such

action。　　In　all　the　clubs　I　have　known　the　house　committees　have

invariably　taken　the　ground　that　the　complaint…book　was　established

to　guard　them　against　the　annoyance　of　hearing　complaints。　　This　one；

however；　has　been　forced　upon　us　by　our　secretary；　and　in　view　of　the

age　of　the　complainants　I　think　we　cannot　well　decline　to　give　them　a

specific　answer。　　Respect　for　age　is　de　rigueur　at　all　times；　like

clean　hands。　　I'll　second　the　motion。〃



〃I　think　the　Poets'　Corner　entirely　unnecessary；〃　said　Confucius。

〃This　isn't　a　class　organization；　and　we　should　resist　any　effort　to

make　it　or　any　portion　of　it　so。　　In　fact；　I　will　go　further　and

state　that　it　is　my　opinion　that　if　we　do　any　legislating　in　the

matter　at　all；　we　ought　to　discourage　rather　than　encourage　these

poets。　　They　are　always　littering　the　club　up　with　themselves。　　Only

last　Wednesday　I　came　here　with　a　guestno　less　a　person　than　a

recently　deceased　Emperor　of　Chinaand　what　was　the　first　sight　that

greeted　our　eyes？〃



〃I　give　it　up；〃　said　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃It　must　have　been　a

catacornered　sight；　whatever　it　was；　if　the　Emperor's　eyes　slanted

like　yours。〃



〃No　personalities；　please；　Doctor；〃　said　Sir　Walter　Raleigh；　the

chairman；　rapping　the　table　vigorously　with　the　shade　of　a　handsome

gavel　that　had　once　adorned　the　Roman　Senate…chamber。



〃He's　only　a　Chinaman！〃　muttered　Johnson。



〃What　was　the　sight　that　greeted　your　eyes；　Confucius？〃　asked

Cassius。



〃Omar　Khayyam　stretched　over　five　of　the　most　comfortable　chairs　in

the　library；〃　returned　Confucius；　〃and　when　I　ventured　to　remonstrate

with　him　he　lost　his　temper；　and　said　I'd　spoiled　the　whole　second

volume　of　the　Rubaiyat。　　I　told　him　he　ought　to　do　his　rubaiyatting

at　home；　and　he　made　a　scene；　to　avoid　which　I　hastened　with　my　guest

over　to　the　billiard…room；　and　there；　stretched　at　full　length　on　the

pool…table；　was　Robert　Burns　trying　to　write　a　sonnet　on　the　cloth

with　chalk　in　less　time　than　Villon　could　turn　out　another；　with　two

lines　start；　on　the　billiard…table　with　the　same　writing　materials。

Now　I　ask　you；　gentlemen；　if　these　things　are　to　be　tolerated？　　Are

they　not　rather　to　be　reprehended；　whether　I　am　a　Chinaman　or　not？〃



〃What　would　you　have　us　do；　then？〃　asked　Sir　Walter　Raleigh；　a　little

nettled。　　〃Exclude　poets　altogether？　　I　was　one；　remember。〃



〃Oh；　but　not　much　of　one；　Sir　Walter；〃　put　in　Doctor　Johnson；

deprecatingly。



〃No；〃　said　Confucius。　　〃I　don't　want　them　excluded；　but　they　should

be　controlled。　　You　don't　let　a　shoemaker　who　has　become　a　member　of

this　club　turn　the　library　sofas　into　benches　and　go　pegging　away　at

boot…making；　so　why　should　you　let　the　poets　turn　the　place　into　a

verse　factory？　　That's　what　I'd　like　to　know。〃



〃I　don't　know　but　what　your　point　is　well　taken；〃　said　Blackstone；

〃though　I　can't　say　I　think　your　parallels　are　very　parallel。　　A

shoemaker；　my　dear　Confucius；　is　somewhat　different　from　a　poet。〃



〃Certainly；〃　said　Doctor　Johnson。　　〃Very　differentin　fact；

different　enough　to　make　a　conundrum　of　the　questionwhat　is　the

difference　between　a　shoemaker　and　a　poet？　　One　makes　the　shoes　and

the　other　shakes　the　museall　the　difference　in　the　world。　　Still；　I

don't　see　how　we　can　exclude　the　poets。　　It　is　the　very　democracy　of

this　club　that　gives　it　life。　　We　take　in　everybodypeer；　poet；　or

what　not。　　To　say　that　this　man　shall　not　enter　because　he　is　this　or

that　or　the　other　thing　would　result　in　our　ultimately　becoming　a

class　organization；　which；　as　Confucius　himself　says；　we　are　not　and

must　not　be。　　If　we　put　out　the　poet　to　please　the　sage；　we'll　soon

have　to　put　out　the　sage　to　please　the　fool；　and　so　on。　　We'll　keep

it　up；　once　the　precedent　is　established；　until　finally　it　will

become　a　class　club　entirelya　Plumbers'　Club；　for　instanceand　how

absurd　that　would　be　in　Hades！　　No；　gentlemen；　it　can't　be　done。　　The

poets　must　and　shall　be　preserved。〃



〃What's　the　objection　to　class　clubs；　anyhow？〃　asked　Cassius。　　〃I

don't　object　to　them。　　If　we　could　have　had　political　organizations

in　my　day　I　might　not　have　had　to　fall　on　my　sword　to　get　out　of

keeping　an　engagement　I　had　no　fancy　for。　　Class　clubs　have　their

uses。〃



〃No　doubt；〃　said　Demosthenes。　　〃Have　all　the　class　clubs　you　want；

but　do　not　make　one　of　this。　　An　Authors'　Club；　where　none　but

authors　are　admitted；　is　a　good　thing。　　The　members　learn　there　that

there　are　other　authors　than　themselves。　　Poets'　Clubs　are　a　good

thing；　they　bring　poets　into　contact　with　each　other；　and　they　learn

what　a　bore　it　is　to　have　to　listen　to　a　poet　reading　his　own　poem。

Pugilists'　Clubs　are　g