part 2-第12部分

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babies　and　forgot　to　button　up　their　dresses；　dirty　boys



who　added　to　the　general　discomfort　by　taking　off　their



boots。　　The　brakeman；　when　he　came　through　at　midnight；



sniffed　the　heavy　air　disdainfully　and　looked　up　at　the



ventilators。　　As　he　glanced　down　the　double　rows　of　con…



torted　figures；　he　saw　one　pair　of　eyes　that　were　wide　open



and　bright；　a　yellow　head　that　was　not　overcome　by　the



stupefying　heat　and　smell　in　the　car。　　〃There's　a　girl　for



you；〃　he　thought　as　he　stopped　by　Thea's　chair。







　　　　　〃Like　to　have　the　window　up　a　little？〃　he　asked。







　　　　　Thea　smiled　up　at　him；　not　misunderstanding　his　friend…



liness。　　〃The　girl　behind　me　is　sick；　she　can't　stand　a　draft。



What　time　is　it；　please？〃







　　　　　He　took　out　his　open…faced　watch　and　held　it　before　her



eyes　with　a　knowing　look。　　〃In　a　hurry？〃　he　asked。　　〃I'll



leave　the　end　door　open　and　air　you　out。　　Catch　a　wink；



the　time'll　go　faster。〃







　　　　　Thea　nodded　good…night　to　him　and　settled　her　head



back　on　her　pillow；　looking　up　at　the　oil　lamps。　　She　was















going　back　to　Moonstone　for　her　summer　vacation；　and



she　was　sitting　up　all　night　in　a　day…coach　because　that



seemed　such　an　easy　way　to　save　money。　　At　her　age　dis…



comfort　was　a　small　matter；　when　one　made　five　dollars　a



day　by　it。　　She　had　confidently　expected　to　sleep　after　the



car　got　quiet；　but　in　the　two　chairs　behind　her　were　a　sick



girl　and　her　mother；　and　the　girl　had　been　coughing　steadily



since　ten　o'clock。　　They　had　come　from　somewhere　in



Pennsylvania；　and　this　was　their　second　night　on　the　road。



The　mother　said　they　were　going　to　Colorado　〃for　her



daughter's　lungs。〃　　The　daughter　was　a　little　older　than



Thea；　perhaps　nineteen；　with　patient　dark　eyes　and　curly



brown　hair。　　She　was　pretty　in　spite　of　being　so　sooty　and



travel…stained。　　She　had　put　on　an　ugly　figured　satine



kimono　over　her　loosened　clothes。　　Thea；　when　she　boarded



the　train　in　Chicago；　happened　to　stop　and　plant　her



heavy　telescope　on　this　seat。　　She　had　not　intended　to



remain　there；　but　the　sick　girl　had　looked　up　at　her　with



an　eager　smile　and　said；　〃Do　sit　there；　miss。　　I'd　so　much



rather　not　have　a　gentleman　in　front　of　me。〃







　　　　　After　the　girl　began　to　cough　there　were　no　empty　seats



left；　and　if　there　had　been　Thea　could　scarcely　have　changed



without　hurting　her　feelings。　　The　mother　turned　on　her



side　and　went　to　sleep；　she　was　used　to　the　cough。　　But　the



girl　lay　wide　awake；　her　eyes　fixed　on　the　roof　of　the　car；　as



Thea's　were。　　The　two　girls　must　have　seen　very　different



things　there。







　　　　　Thea　fell　to　going　over　her　winter　in　Chicago。　　It　was



only　under　unusual　or　uncomfortable　conditions　like　these



that　she　could　keep　her　mind　fixed　upon　herself　or　her　own



affairs　for　any　length　of　time。　　The　rapid　motion　and　the



vibration　of　the　wheels　under　her　seemed　to　give　her



thoughts　rapidity　and　clearness。　　She　had　taken　twenty



very　expensive　lessons　from　Madison　Bowers；　but　she　did



not　yet　know　what　he　thought　of　her　or　of　her　ability。　　He



was　different　from　any　man　with　whom　she　had　ever　had















to　do。　　With　her　other　teachers　she　had　felt　a　personal



relation；　but　with　him　she　did　not。　　Bowers　was　a　cold；



bitter；　avaricious　man；　but　he　knew　a　great　deal　about



voices。　　He　worked　with　a　voice　as　if　he　were　in　a　labora…



tory；　conducting　a　series　of　experiments。　　He　was　conscien…



tious　and　industrious；　even　capable　of　a　certain　cold　fury



when　he　was　working　with　an　interesting　voice；　but　Har…



sanyi　declared　that　he　had　the　soul　of　a　shrimp；　and　could



no　more　make　an　artist　than　a　throat　specialist　could。



Thea　realized　that　he　had　taught　her　a　great　deal　in　twenty



lessons。







　　　　　Although　she　cared　so　much　less　for　Bowers　than　for



Harsanyi；　Thea　was；　on　the　whole；　happier　since　she　had



been　studying　with　him　than　she　had　been　before。　　She



had　always　told　herself　that　she　studied　piano　to　fit　her…



self　to　be　a　music　teacher。　　But　she　never　asked　herself



why　she　was　studying　voice。　　Her　voice；　more　than　any



other　part　of　her；　had　to　do　with　that　confidence；　that　sense



of　wholeness　and　inner　well…being　that　she　had　felt　at　mo…



ments　ever　since　she　could　remember。







　　　　　Of　this　feeling　Thea　had　never　spoken　to　any　human



being　until　that　day　when　she　told　Harsanyi　that　〃there



had　always　beensomething。〃　　Hitherto　she　had　felt



but　one　obligation　toward　itsecrecy；　to　protect　it　even



from　herself。　　She　had　always　believed　that　by　doing　all



that　was　required　of　her　by　her　family；　her　teachers；　her



pupils；　she　kept　that　part　of　herself　from　being　caught　up



in　the　meshes　of　common　things。　　She　took　it　for　granted



that　some　day；　when　she　was　older；　she　would　know　a



great　deal　more　about　it。　　It　was　as　if　she　had　an　appoint…



ment　to　meet　the　rest　of　herself　sometime；　somewhere。



It　was　moving　to　meet　her　and　she　was　moving　to　meet



it。　　That　meeting　awaited　her；　just　as　surely　as；　for　the



poor　girl　in　the　seat　behind　her；　there　awaited　a　hole　in



the　earth；　already　dug。







　　　　　For　Thea；　so　much　had　begun　with　a　hole　in　the　earth。















Yes；　she　reflected；　this　new　part　of　her　life　had　all　begun　that



morning　when　she　sat　on　the　clay　bank　beside　Ray　Ken…



nedy；　under　the　flickering　shade　of　the　cottonwood　tree。



She　remembered　the　way　Ray　had　looked　at　her　that



morning。　　Why　had　he　cared　so　much？　　And　Wunsch；　and



Dr。　Archie；　and　Spanish　Johnny；　why　had　they？　　It　was



something　that　had　to　do　with　her　that　made　them　care；



but　it　was　not　she。　　It　was　something　they　believed　in；　but



it　was　not　she。　　Perhaps　each　of　them　concealed　another



person　in　himself；　just　as　she　did。　　Why　was　it　that　they



seemed　to　feel　and　to　hunt　for　a　second　person　in　her　and



not　in　each　other？　　Thea　frowned　up　at　the　dull　lamp　in



the　roof　of　the　car。　　What　if　one's　second　self　could　some…



how　speak　to　all　these　second　selves？　　What　if　one　could



bring　them　out；　as　whiskey　did　Spanish　Johnny's？　　How



deep　they　lay；　these　second　persons；　and　how　little　one



knew　about　them；　except　to　guard　them　fiercely。　　It　was



to　music；　more　than　to　anything　else；　that　these　hidden



things　in　people　responded。　　Her　mothereven　her　mo…



ther　had　something　of　that　sort　which　replied　to　music。







　　　　　Thea　found　herself　listening　for　the　coughing　behind



her　and　not　hearing　it。　　She　turned　cautiously　and　looked



back　over　the　head…rest　of　her　chair。　　The　poor　girl　had



fallen　asleep。　　Thea　looked　at　her　intently。　　Why　was　she　so



afraid　of　men？　　Why　did　she　shrink　into　herself　and　avert



her　face　whenever　a　man　passed　her　chair？　　Thea　thought



she　knew；　of　course；　she　knew。　　How　horrible　to　waste



away　like　that；　in　the　time　when　one　ought　to　be　growing



fuller　and　stronger　and　rounder　every　day。　　Suppose　there



were　such　a　dark　hole　open　for　her；　between　to…night　and



that　place　where　she　was　to　meet　herself？　　Her　eyes　nar…



rowed。　　She　put　her　hand　on　her　breast　and　felt　how



warm　it　was；　and　within　it　there　was　a　full；　powerful



pulsation。　　She　smiledthough　she　was　ashamed　of　it



with　the　natural　contempt　of　strength　for　weakness；



with　the　sense　of　physical　security　which　makes　the　savage















merciless。　　Nobody　could　die　while　they　felt　like　that　in…



side。　　The　springs　there　were　wound　so　tight　that　it　would



be　a　long　while　before　there　was　any　slack　in　them。　　The



life　in　there　was　rooted　deep。　　She　was　going　to　have　a　few



things　before　she　died。　　She　realized　that　there　were　a　great



many　trains　dashing　east　and　west　on　the　face　of　the　con…



tinent　that　night；　and　that　they　all　carried　young　people



who　meant　to　have　things。　　But　the　difference　was　that



SHE　WAS　GOING　TO　GET　THEM！　　That　was　all。　　Let　people　try　to



stop　her！　　She　glowered　at　the　rows　of　feckless　bodies　that



lay　sprawled　in　the　chairs。　　Let　them　try　it　once！　　Along



with　the　yearning　that　came　from　some　deep　part　of　her；



that　was　selfless　and　exalted；　Thea　had　a　hard　kind　of



cockiness；　a　determination　to　get　ahead。　　Well；　there　are



passages　in　life　when　that　fierce；　stubborn　self…assertion



will　stand　its　ground　after　the　nobler　feeling　is　over…



whelmed　and　beaten　under。







　　　　　Having　told　herself　once　more　that　she　meant　to　grab　a



few　things；　Thea　went　to　sleep。







　　　　　She　was　wakened　in　the　morning　by　the　sunlight；　which



beat　fiercely　through　the　glass　of　the　car　window　upon　her



face。　　She　made　herself　as　clean　as　she　could；　and　while　the



people　all　about　her　were　getting　cold　food　out　of　their



lunch…baskets　she　escaped　into　the　dining…car。　　Her　thrift



did　not　go　to　the　point　of　enabling　her　to　carry　a　lunch…



basket。　　At　that　early　hour　there　were　few　people　in　the



dining…car。　　The　linen　was　white　and　fresh；　the　darkies　were



trim　and　smiling；　and　the　sunlight　gleamed　pleasantly　upon



the　silver　and　the　glass　water…bottles。　　On　each　table　there



was　a　slender　vase　with　a　single　pink　rose　in　it。　　When　Thea



sat　down　she　looked　into　her　rose　and　thought　it　the　most



beautiful　thing　in　the　world；　it　was　wide　open；　recklessly



offering　its　yellow　heart；　and　there　were　drops　of　water　on



the　petals。　　All　the　future　was　in　that　rose；　all　that　one



would　like　to　be。　　The　flower　put　her　in　an　absolute