father sergius-第2部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！



themselves；　but　in　regard　to　the　women　that　old…fashioned　view

（sharply　differing　from　that　held　by　young　people　to…day　who　see

in　every　girl　merely　a　female　seeking　a　mate）　was；　I　think；　of

value。　　The　girls；　perceiving　such　adoration；　endeavoured　with

more　or　less　success　to　be　goddesses。



Such　was　the　view　Kasatsky　held　of　women；　and　that　was　how　he

regarded　his　fiancee。　　He　was　particularly　in　love　that　day；　but

did　not　experience　any　sensual　desire　for　her。　　On　the　contrary

he　regarded　her　with　tender　adoration　as　something　unattainable。



He　rose　to　his　full　height；　standing　before　her　with　both　hands

on　his　sabre。



'I　have　only　now　realized　what　happiness　a　man　can　experience！　

And　it　is　you；　my　darling；　who　have　given　me　this　happiness；'　he

said　with　a　timid　smile。



Endearments　had　not　yet　become　usual　between　them；　and　feeling

himself　morally　inferior　he　felt　terrified　at　this　stage　to　use

them　to　such　an　angel。



'It　is　thanks　to　you　that　I　have　come　to　know　myself。　I　have

learnt　that　I　am　better　than　I　thought。'



'I　have　known　that　for　a　long　time。　　That　was　why　I　began　to　love

you。'



Nightingales　trilled　near　by　and　the　fresh　leafage　rustled；　moved

by　a　passing　breeze。



He　took　her　hand　and　kissed　it；　and　tears　came　into　his　eyes。



She　understood　that　he　was　thanking　her　for　having　said　she　loved

him。　　He　silently　took　a　few　steps　up　and　down；　and　then

approached　her　again　and　sat　down。



'You　know　。　。　。　I　have　to　tell　you　。　。　。　I　was　not　disinterested

when　I　began　to　make　love　to　you。　　I　wanted　to　get　into　society；

but　later　。　。　。　how　unimportant　that　became　in　comparison　with

youwhen　I　got　to　know　you。　You　are　not　angry　with　me　for　that？'



She　did　not　reply　but　merely　touched　his　hand。　　He　understood

that　this　meant：　'No；　I　am　not　angry。'



'You　said　。　。　。'　　He　hesitated。　　It　seemed　too　bold　to　say。　　'You

said　that　you　began　to　love　me。　　I　believe　itbut　there　is

something　that　troubles　you　and　checks　your　feeling。　　What　is

it？'



'Yesnow　or　never！'　thought　she。　　'He　is　bound　to　know　of　it

anyway。　　But　now　he　will　not　forsake　me。　　Ah；　if　he　should；　it

would　be　terrible！'　　And　she　threw　a　loving　glance　at　his　tall；

noble；　powerful　figure。　　She　loved　him　now　more　than　she　had

loved　the　Tsar；　and　apart　from　the　Imperial　dignity　would　not

have　preferred　the　Emperor　to　him。



'Listen！　　I　cannot　deceive　you。　　I　have　to　tell　you。　　You　ask

what　it　is？　　It　is　that　I　have　loved　before。'



She　again　laid　her　hand　on　his　with　an　imploring　gesture。　　He　was

silent。



'You　want　to　know　who　it　was？　　It　wasthe　Emperor。'



'We　all　love　him。　　I　can　imagine　you；　a　schoolgirl　at　the

Institute　。　。　。'



'No；　it　was　later。　　I　was　infatuated；　but　it　passed　。　。　。　I　must

tell　you　。　。　。'



'Well；　what　of　it？'



'No；　it　was　not　simply'　　She　covered　her　face　with　her　hands。



'What？　　You　gave　yourself　to　him？'



She　was　silent。



'His　mistress？'



She　did　not　answer。



He　sprang　up　and　stood　before　her　with　trembling　jaws；　pale　as

death。　　He　now　remembered　how　the　Emperor；　meeting　him　on　the

Nevsky；　had　amiably　congratulated　him。



'O　God；　what　have　I　done！　　Stiva！'



'Don't　touch　me！　　Don't　touch　me！　　Oh；　how　it　pains！'



He　turned　away　and　went　to　the　house。　　There　he　met　her　mother。



'What　is　the　matter；　Prince？　　I　。　。　。'　　She　became　silent　on

seeing　his　face。　　The　blood　had　suddenly　rushed　to　his　head。



'You　knew　it；　and　used　me　to　shield　them！　　If　you　weren't　a　woman

。　。　。　！'　he　cried；　lifting　his　enormous　fist；　and　turning　aside

he　ran　away。



Had　his　fiancee's　lover　been　a　private　person　he　would　have

killed　him；　but　it　was　his　beloved　Tsar。



Next　day　he　applied　both　for　furlough　and　his　discharge；　and

professing　to　be　ill；　so　as　to　see　no　one；　he　went　away　to　the

country。



He　spent　the　summer　at　his　village　arranging　his　affairs。　When

summer　was　over　he　did　not　return　to　Petersburg；　but　entered　a

monastery　and　there　became　a　monk。



His　mother　wrote　to　try　to　dissuade　him　from　this　decisive　step；

but　he　replied　that　he　felt　God's　call　which　transcended　all

other　considerations。　　Only　his　sister；　who　was　as　proud　and

ambitious　as　he；　understood　him。



She　understood　that　he　had　become　a　monk　in　order　to　be　above

those　who　considered　themselves　his　superiors。　And　she　understood

him　correctly。　　By　becoming　a　monk　he　showed　contempt　for　all

that　seemed　most　important　to　others　and　had　seemed　so　to　him

while　he　was　in　the　service；　and　he　now　ascended　a　height　from

which　he　could　look　down　on　those　he　had　formerly　envied。　。　。　。

But　it　was　not　this　alone；　as　his　sister　Varvara　supposed；　that

influenced　him。　　There　was　also　in　him　something　elsea　sincere

religious　feeling　which　Varvara　did　not　know；　which　intertwined

itself　with　the　feeling　of　pride　and　the　desire　for　pre…eminence；

and　guided　him。　　His　disillusionment　with　Mary；　whom　he　had

thought　of　angelic　purity；　and　his　sense　of　injury；　were　so

strong　that　they　brought　him　to　despair；　and　the　despair　led

himto　what？　　To　God；　to　his　childhood's　faith　which　had　never

been　destroyed　in　him。







II



Kasatsky　entered　the　monastery　on　the　feast　of　the　Intercession

of　the　Blessed　Virgin。　　The　Abbot　of　that　monastery　was　a

gentleman　by　birth；　a　learned　writer　and　a　starets；　that　is；　he

belonged　to　that　succession　of　monks　originating　in　Walachia　who

each　choose　a　director　and　teacher　whom　they　implicitly　obey。　

This　Superior　had　been　a　disciple　of　the　starets　Ambrose；　who　was

a　disciple　of　Makarius；　who　was　a　disciple　of　the　starets　Leonid；

who　was　a　disciple　of　Paussy　Velichkovsky。



To　this　Abbot　Kasatsky　submitted　himself　as　to　his　chosen

director。　　Here　in　the　monastery；　besides　the　feeling　of

ascendency　over　others　that　such　a　life　gave　him；　he　felt　much　as

he　had　done　in　the　world：　he　found　satisfaction　in　attaining　the

greatest　possible　perfection　outwardly　as　well　as　inwardly。　　As

in　the　regiment　he　had　been　not　merely　an　irreproachable　officer

but　had　even　exceeded　his　duties　and　widened　the　borders　of

perfection；　so　also　as　a　monk　he　tried　to　be　perfect；　and　was

always　industrious；　abstemious；　submissive；　and　meek；　as　well　as

pure　both　in　deed　and　in　thought；　and　obedient。　　This　last

quality　in　particular　made　life　far　easier　for　him。　　If　many　of

the　demands　of　life　in　the　monastery；　which　was　near　the　capital

and　much　frequented；　did　not　please　him　and　were　temptations　to

him；　they　were　all　nullified　by　obedience：　'It　is　not　for　me　to

reason；　my　business　is　to　do　the　task　set　me；　whether　it　be

standing　beside　the　relics；　singing　in　the　choir；　or　making　up

accounts　in　the　monastery　guest…house。'　　All　possibility　of　doubt

about　anything　was　silenced　by　obedience　to　the　starets。　　Had　it

not　been　for　this；　he　would　have　been　oppressed　by　the　length　and

monotony　of　the　church　services；　the　bustle　of　the　many　visitors；

and　the　bad　qualities　of　the　other　monks。　　As　it　was；　he　not　only

bore　it　all　joyfully　but　found　in　it　solace　and　support。　　'I

don't　know　why　it　is　necessary　to　hear　the　same　prayers　several

times　a　day；　but　I　know　that　it　is　necessary；　and　knowing　this　I

find　joy　in　them。'　　His　director　told　him　that　as　material　food

is　necessary　for　the　maintenance　of　the　life　of　the　body；　so

spiritual　foodthe　church　prayersis　necessary　for　the

maintenance　of　the　spiritual　life。　　He　believed　this；　and　though

the　church　services；　for　which　he　had　to　get　up　early　in　the

morning；　were　a　difficulty；　they　certainly　calmed　him　and　gave

him　joy。　　This　was　the　result　of　his　consciousness　of　humility；

and　the　certainty　that　whatever　he　had　to　do；　being　fixed　by　the

starets；　was　right。



The　interest　of　his　life　consisted　not　only　in　an　ever　greater

and　greater　subjugation　of　his　will；　but　in　the　attainment　of　all

the　Christian　virtues；　which　at　first　seemed　to　him　easily

attainable。　　He　had　given　his　whole　estate　to　his　sister　and　did

not　regret　it；　he　had　no　personal　claims；　humility　towards　his

inferiors　was　not　merely　easy　for　him　but　afforded　him　pleasure。　

Even　victory　over　the　sins　of　the　flesh；　greed　and　lust；　was

easily　attained。　　His　director　had　specially　warned　him　against

the　latter　sin；　but　Kasatsky　felt　free　from　it　and　was　glad。



One　thing　only　tormented　himthe　remembrance　of　his　fiancee；　and

not　merely　the　remembrance　but　the　vivid　image　of　what　might　have

been。　　Involuntarily　he　recalled　a　lady　he　knew　who　had　been　a

favourite　of　the　Emperor's；　but　had　afterwards　married　and　become

an　admirable　wife　and　mother。　　The　husband　had　a　high　position；

influence　and　honour；　and　a　good　and　penitent　wife。



In　his　better　hours　Kasatsky　was　not　disturbed　by　such　thoughts；

and　when　he　recalled　them　at　such　times　he　was　merely　glad　to

feel　that　the　temptation　was　past。　　But　there　were　moments　when

all　that　made　up　his　present　life　suddenly　grew　dim　before　him；

moments　when；　if　he　did　not　cease　to　believe　in　the　aims　he　had

set　himself；　he　ceased　to　see　them　and　could　evoke　no　confidence

in　them　but　was　seized　by　a　remembrance　of；　andterrible　to

saya　regret　for；　the　change　of　life　he　had　made。



The　only　thing　that　saved　him　in　that　state　of　mind　was　obedience

and　work；　and　the　fact　that　the　whole　day　was　occupied　by　prayer。　

He　went　through　the　usual　forms　of　prayer；　he　bowed　in　prayer；　he

even　prayed　more　than　usual；　but　it　was　lip…service　only　and　his

soul　was　not　in　it。　　This　condition　would　continue　for　a　day；　or

sometimes　for　two　days；　and　would　then　pass　of　itself。　　But　those

days　were　dreadful。　　Kasatsky　felt　that　he　was　neither　in　his　own

hands　nor　in　God's；　but　was　subject　to　something　else。　　All　he

could　do　then　was　to　obey　the　starets；　to　restrain　himself；　to

undertake　nothing；　and　simply　to　wait。　　In　general　all　this　time

he　lived　not　by　his　own　will　but　by　that　of　the　starets；　and　in

this