the history of john bull-第12部分

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and　then　you　would　see　him　in　the　kitchen；　weighing　the　beef　and　butter；　paying　ready　money；　that　the　maids　might　not　run　a　tick　at　the　market；　and　the　butchers；　by　bribing　of　them；　sell　damaged　and　light　meat。*　　Another　time　he　would　slip　into　the　cellar　and　gauge　the　casks。　　In　his　leisure　minutes　he　was　posting　his　books　and　gathering　in　his　debts。　　Such　frugal　methods　were　necessary　where　money　was　so　scarce　and　duns　so　numerous。　　All　this　while　John　kept　his　credit；　could　show　his　head　both　at　'Change　and　Westminster　Hall；　no　man　protested　his　bill　nor　refused　his　bond；　only　the　sharpers　and　the　scriveners；　the　lawyers　and　other　clerks　pelted　Sir　Roger　as　he　went　along。　　The　squirters　were　at　it　with　their　kennel　water；　for　they　were　mad　for　the　loss　of　their　bubble；　and　that　they　could　not　get　him　to　mortgage　the　manor　of　Bullock's　Hatch。　　Sir　Roger　shook　his　ears　and　nuzzled　along；　well　satisfied　within　himself　that　he　was　doing　a　charitable　work　in　rescuing　an　honest　man　from　the　claws　of　harpies　and　bloodsuckers。　　Mrs。　Bull　did　all　that　an　affectionate　wife；　and　a　good　housewife；　could　do；　yet　the　boundaries　of　virtues　are　indivisible　lines。　　It　is　impossible　to　march　up　close　to　the　frontiers　of　frugality　without　entering　the　territories　of　parsimony。　　Your　good　housewives　are　apt　to　look　into　the　minutest　things；　therefore　some　blamed　Mrs。　Bull　for　new　heel…pieceing　of　her　shoes；　grudging　a　quarter　of　a　pound　of　soap　and　sand　to　scour　the　rooms**；　but；　especially；　that　she　would　not　allow　her　maids　and　apprentices　the　benefit　of　〃John　Bunyan；〃　the　〃London　Apprentices；〃　or　the　〃Seven　Champions；〃　in　the　black　letter。***

*　Some　regulations　as　to　the　purveyance　in　the　Queen's　family。　**　Too　great　savings　in　the　House　of　Commons。　***　Restraining　the　liberty　of　the　Press　by　Act　of　Parliament。



CHAPTER　VIII。　　A　continuation　of　the　conversation　betwixt　John　Bull　and　his　wife。

MRS。　BULL。It　is　a　most　sad　life　we　lead；　my　dear；　to　be　so　teazed；　paying　interest　for　old　debts；　and　still　contracting　new　ones。　However；　I　don't　blame　you　for　vindicating　your　honour　and　chastising　old　Lewis。　　To　curb　the　insolent；　protect　the　oppressed；　recover　one's　own；　and　defend　what　one　has；　are　good　effects　of　the　law。　　The　only　thing　I　want　to　know　is　how　you　came　to　make　an　end　of　your　money　before　you　finished　your　suit。

JOHN　BULL。I　was　told　by　the　learned　in　the　law　that　my　suit　stood　upon　three　firm　pillars：　　more　money　for　more　law；　more　law　for　more　money；　and　no　composition。　　More　money　for　more　law　was　plain　to　a　demonstration；　for　who　can　go　to　law　without　money？　and　it　was　plain　that　any　man　that　has　money　may　have　law　for　it。　　The　third　was　as　evident　as　the　other　two；　for　what　composition　could　be　made　with　a　rogue　that　never　kept　a　word　he　said？

MRS。　BULL。I　think　you　are　most　likely　to　get　out　of　this　labyrinth　by　the　second　door；　by　want　of　ready　money　to　purchase　this　precious　commodity。　　But　you　seem　not　only　to　have　bought　too　much　of　it；　but　have　paid　too　dear　for　what　you　bought；　else　how　was　it　possible　to　run　so　much　in　debt　when　at　this　very　time　the　yearly　income　of　what　is　mortgaged　to　those　usurers　would　discharge　Hocus's　bills；　and　give　you　your　bellyfull　of　law　for　all　your　life；　without　running　one　sixpence　in　debt？　　You　have　been　bred　up　to　business；　I　suppose　you　can　cypher；　I　wonder　you　never　used　your　pen　and　ink。

JOHN　BULL。Now　you　urge　me　too　far；　prithee；　dear　wife；　hold　thy　tongue。　　Suppose　a　young　heir；　heedless；　raw；　and　inexperienced；　full　of　spirit　and　vigour；　with　a　favourite　passion；　in　the　hands　of　money　scriveners。　　Such　fellows　are　like　your　wire…drawing　mills：　if　they　get　hold　of　a　man's　finger　they　will　pull　in　his　whole　body　at　last；　till　they　squeeze　the　heart；　blood；　and　guts　out　of　him。　When　I　wanted　money；　half　a　dozen　of　these　fellows　were　always　waiting　in　my　ante…chamber　with　their　securities　ready　drawn。*　　I　was　tempted　with　the　ready；　some　farm　or　other　went　to　pot。　　I　received　with　one　hand；　and　paid　it　away　with　the　other　to　lawyers　that；　like　so　many　hell　hounds；　were　ready　to　devour　me。　　Then　the　rogues　would　plead　poverty　and　scarcity　of　money；　which　always　ended　in　receiving　ninety　for　the　hundred。　　After　they　had　got　possession　of　my　best　rents　they　were　able　to　supply　me　with　my　own　money。　But；　what　was　worse；　when　I　looked　into　the　securities　there　was　no　clause　of　redemption。

*　Methods　of　preying　upon　the　necessities　of　the　Government。

MRS。　BULL。No　clause　of　redemption；　say　you？　　That's　hard。

JOHN　BULL。No　great　matter。　　For　I　cannot　pay　them。　　They　had　got　a　worse　trick　than　that。　　The　same　man　bought　and　sold　to　himself；　paid　the　money；　and　gave　the　acquittance；　the　same　man　was　butcher　and　grazier；　brewer　and　butler；　cook　and　poulterer。　　There　is　something　still　worse　than　all　this。　　There　came　twenty　bills　upon　me　at　once；　which　I　had　given　money　to　discharge。　　I　was　like　to　be　pulled　to　pieces　by　brewer；　butcher；　and　baker；　even　my　herb…woman　dunned　me　as　I　went　along　the　streets。　　Thanks　to　my　friend　Sir　Roger；　else　I　must　have　gone　to　jail。　　When　I　asked　the　meaning　of　this；　I　was　told　the　money　went　to　the　lawyers。　　〃Counsel　won't　tick；　sir。〃　　Hocus　was　urging；　my　book…keeper　sat　sotting　all　day；　playing　at　Put　and　All…fours。　　In　short；　by　griping　usurers；　devouring　lawyers；　and　negligent　servants　I　am　brought　to　this　pass。

MRS。　BULL。This　was　hard　usage。　　But　methinks　the　least　reflection　might　have　retrieved　you。

JOHN　BULL。'Tis　true；　yet　consider　my　circumstancesmy　honour　was　engaged；　and　I　did　not　know　how　to　get　out。　　Besides；　I　was　for　five　years　often　drunk；　always　muddled；　they　carried　me　from　tavern　to　tavern；　to　ale…houses　and　brandy…shops；　and　brought　me　acquainted　with　such　strange　dogs。　　〃There　goes　the　prettiest　fellow　in　the　world；〃　says　one；　〃for　managing　a　jury：　　make　him　yours。　　There's　another　can　pick　you　up　witnesses。　　Serjeant　such…a…one　has　a　silver　tongue　at　the　bar。〃*　　I　believe；　in　time　I　should　have　retained　every　single　person　within　the　Inns　of　Court。　　The　night　after　a　trial　I　treated　the　lawyers；　their　wives；　and　daughters；　with　fiddles；　hautboys；　drums；　and　trumpets。　　I　was　always　hot…headed。　Then　they　placed　me　in　the　middle；　the　attorneys　and　their　clerks　dancing　about　me；　whooping　and　holloing；　〃Long　live　John　Bull；　the　glory　and　support　of　the　law！〃

*　Hiring　still　more　troops。

MRS。　BULL。Really；　husband；　you　went　through　a　very　notable　course。

JOHN　BULL。One　of　the　things　that　first　alarmed　me　was　that　they　showed　a　spite　against　my　poor　old　mother。*　　〃Lord；〃　quoth　I；　〃what　makes　you　so　jealous　of　a　poor；　old；　innocent　gentlewoman；　that　minds　only　her　prayers　and　her　Practice　of　Piety？　　She　never　meddles　in　any　of　your　concerns。〃　　〃Fob；〃　say　they；　〃to　see　a　handsome；　brisk；　genteel　young　fellow　so　much　governed　by　a　doting　old　woman！　Do　you　consider　she　keeps　you　out　of　a　good　jointure？　　She　has　the　best　of　your　estate　settled　upon　her　for　a　rent…charge。　　Hang　her；　old　thief！　turn　her　out　of　doors；　seize　her　lands；　and　let　her　go　to　law　if　she　dares。〃　　〃Soft　and　fair；　gentlemen；〃　quoth　I；　〃my　mother's　my　mother；　our　family　are　not　of　an　unnatural　temper。　Though　I　don't　take　all　her　advice；　I　won't　seize　her　jointure；　long　may　she　enjoy　it；　good　woman；　I　don't　grudge　it　her。　　She　allows　me　now　and　then　a　brace　of　hundreds　for　my　lawsuit；　that's　pretty　fair。〃　　About　this　time　the　old　gentlewoman　fell　ill　of　an　odd　sort　of　a　distemper。**

*　Railing　against　the　Church。　**　Carelessness　in　forms　and　discipline。

It　began　with　a　coldness　and　numbness　in　her　limbs；　which　by　degrees　affected　the　nerves　（I　think　the　physicians　call　them）；　seized　the　brain；　and　at　last　ended　in　a　lethargy。　　It　betrayed　itself　at　first　in　a　sort　of　indifference　and　carelessness　in　all　her　actions；　coldness　to　her　best　friends；　and　an　aversion　to　stir　or　go　about　the　common　offices　of　life。　　She；　that　was　the　cleanliest　creature　in　the　world；　never　shrank　now　if　you　set　a　close…stool　under　her　nose。　　She　that　would　sometimes　rattle　off　her　servants　pretty　sharply；　now　if　she　saw　them　drink；　or　heard　them　talk　profanely；　never　took　any　notice　of　it。　　Instead　of　her　usual　charities　to　deserving　persons；　she　threw　away　her　money　upon　roaring；　swearing　bullies　and　beggars；　that　went　about　the　streets。*　　〃What　is　the　matter　with　the　old　gentlewoman？〃　said　everybody；　〃she　never　used　to　do　in　this　manner。〃　　At　last　the　distemper　grew　more　violent；　and　threw　her　downright　into　raving　fits；　in　which　she　shrieked　out　so　loud　that　she　disturbed　the　whole　neighbourhood。**　　In　her　fits　she　called　upon　one　Sir　William。***　　〃Oh！　Sir　William；　thou　hast　betrayed　me；　killed　me；　stabbed　me！　　See；　see！　Clum　with　his　bloody　knife！　　Seize　him！　seize　him！　stop　him！　　Behold　the　fury　with　her　hissing　snakes！　　Where's　my　son　John？　　Is　he　well；　is　he　well？　　Poor　man！　I　pity　him！〃　　And　abundance　more　of　such　strange　stuff；　that　nobody　could　make　anything　of。

*　Disposing　of　some　preferments　to　libertine　and　unprincipled　persons。　**　The　too　violent　clamour　about　the　danger　of　the　Church。　***　Sir　William；　a　cant　name　of　Sir　Humphry's　for　Lord　Treasurer　Godolphin。

I　knew　little　of　the　matter；　for　when　I　inquired　about　her　health；　the　answer　was　that　she　was　in　a　good　moderate　way。　　Physicians　were　sent　for　in　haste。　　Sir　Roger；　with　great　difficulty；　brought　Ratcliff；　Garth　came　upon　the　first　message。　　There　were　several　others　called　in；　but；　as　usual　upon　such　occasions；　they　differed　strangely　at　the　consultation。　　At　last　they　divided　into　two　parties；　one　sided　with　Garth；　the　other　with　Ratcliff。*　　Dr。　Garth　said；　〃This　case　seems　to　me　to　be　plainly　hysterical；　the　old　woman　is　whimsical；　it　is　a　common　thing　for　your　old　women　to　be　so；　I'll　pawn　my　life；　blisters；　with　the　steel　diet；　will　recover　her。〃　Others　suggested　strong　purging　and　letting　of　blood；　because　she　was　plethoric。　　Some　went　so　far　as　to　say　the　old　woman　was　mad；　and　nothing　would　be　better　than　a　little　corporal　correction。　Ratcliff　said；　〃Gentlemen；　you　are　mistaken　in　this　case；　it　is　plainly　an　acute　distemper；　and　she　cannot　hold　out　three　days　unless　she　is　supported　with　strong　cordials。〃　　I　came　into　the　room　with　a　good　deal　of　concern；　and　asked　them　what　they　thought　of　m